reblogs & random introspections

Like my grandma's mental and physical health is failing, she's probably not gonna live that much longer. It's kinda one of those things where she might continue declining for another couple years, but she also might die in her sleep any day. I'm starting to mourn her early because she really isn't there mentally the way she used to be.

My mom's health is worse, and it's not like she's in danger of dying any time soon, but it's just reaaaally getting to me, and I'm just not fucking ready. Like if she were to die tomorrow I don't think I could cope, I think I would lose it.

Hubby and I are both disabled, he's showing signs he may be developing a schizoeffective disorder or perhaps he already had one and it's getting worse. My only full-blown support system is my husband, and my husband's system if you can count that.

We are completely surrounded by nothing but homophobic people who don't really accept non-Christian beliefs. Many of them are MAGAts but we don't have the resources to move unless we become unhoused entirely (in a way we're homeless right now in the sense that we are living with relatives with no other options). We're fortunate to have that, don't get me wrong, but it is so soul-sucking to be grown-ass adults but entirely dependent on these people.

I feel worthless. And then my car broke down this week, so we're dipping into savings again. Savings that we depend on if we ever want to get the fuck out of here.

I can't contribute monetarily. I can't contribute much physically around the home. I can't speak my mind except around my husband. I feel judged for my appearance and existence and lack of work even if those we live with have been kind in that regard. My insides feel all twisted up.

I tried going to the low-cost clinic for therapy and the assigned therapist was nice but it kept feeling like she was religious and we weren't clicking since I have religious trauma and issues with Christians, despite that she never once identified as Christian, I could just feel the hesitation and restraint every time it came up. Then it didn't feel like I could trust talking with her about gender and sexuality issues because of that.

And so I feel like I'm squandering time and energy at home doing fucking nothing and being a worthless pile of cells. And I kinda hate myself, like a lot.

It's getting harder to enjoy things anymore. Recently I had some acute suicidal symptoms but that was PMDD. But this general depression and low mood has been clinging and worsening gradually over time. And I don't think it's my meds no longer working, I think it's just the environment and atmosphere.

I mean look at the fucking state of the world, especially the US where I live, the elites are in control and the common person has no say in anything. War is being waged to boost the stock market, which on the one hand seems like it may be giving some other countries a wake-up call for not relying on fossil fuels anymore but holy shit, my country fucking sucks and everyone is right to hate it.

I'm tired. I don't wanna live here anymore, haven't in so long, and I don't have a choice, and it's slowly again becoming that I just don't want to live in general.

My husband has been my anchor for a long time but... I don't know. I feel this crushing weight in my soul and heart.