QUARTZLING

💛🧡💚

I love this so much

emily was catholic and found it really, really important that you knew that

she was discrete for the most part (sign of the cross before meals and blushing when the lord’s name was said in vain sorts of things) but she had a habit of berating people for politely declining her invitations to her church services and was sort of a pain in the ass about it at times but that’s beside the point 

we were friends for about two and a half years

and then she borrowed a pair of my jeans.

now these jeans 

were not just any pair of jeans 

they were lucky brand jeans and the nicest jeans I owned at the time, but I was always cool with letting people borrow things when they really needed them 

so this fateful day rolls around and emily is freaking out because she tore her skirt (as in straight up the back, mortifyingly torn) while we were out for coffee waiting for her other friend to pick her up because she was going on a weekend trip with this other friend’s (even more religious) family and her only other option was a pair of starchy pants that would absolutely suck to sit comfortably in for a five hour drive

so I do what any good friend would do and give her the extra pair of jeans I have in my car

which are my luckys

now I didn’t think anything of it and just assumed I’d done a great service here right 

but flash forward three days 

and she comes back 

and doesn’t say 

anything 

just hands me the jeans 

pivots 

and walks away 

so naturally I’m like??????????

so she proceeds to send me a text the next day saying that I made her look horrible to her friend’s mom because she nicely offered to wash the jeans before returning them and that’s right around the time I remember that Lucky brand jeans  have a lovely little note on the fly

they look like this

and then you unzip them and

Achilles *putting those little round band-aids on two parts of his ankle before battle*

Thetis *knitting fingertip oven mitts for her thumb and forefinger*

DO YOU LIKE FAKE MARRIAGE STORIES?

DO YOU LIKE SPIES??

DO YOU LIKE SMOL CHILDREN WITH PSYCHIC POWERS???

THEN SIT THE FUCK DOWN CAUSE I HAVE A NEW MANGA FOR YOU

MEET SPY X FAMILY

THE MAN IS AGENT TWILIGHT, A SPY WHO HAS DISCARDED EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS PAST IN OrDER TO WORK FOR THE COUNTRY OF WESTALIS IN OPPOSITION TO THE COUNTRY OF OSTANIA

KINDA COLD WAR-ISH

HE KICKS ASS, HAS ALL THE GADGETS AND CAN CREATE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE-LIKE FACE-CHANGING MASKS

HE’S THE KINDA GUY YOU REALLY DON’T WANNA FUCK AROUND WITH

FOR HIS NEXT JOB HE’S GOTTA TAKE OUT A POLITICIAN WHO ONLY COMES OUT IN PUBLIC FOR HIS SON’S ELITE SCHOOL REUNIONS

AND TO INFILTRATE THAT AGENT TWILIGHT IS GONNA NEED

*DRUM THE FUCKING ROLLS*

TO ADOPT A KID!

THIS IS ANYA

SHE SMOL

SHE CUTE

SHE A RUNAWAY CHILD FROM AN UNDERGROUND EXPERIMENT THAT GAVE HER THE POWER TO READ PEOPLE’S THOUGHTS

SHE MAY HAVE HORNS, ANTENNAE OR JUST A BOW, I’M NOT SURE

SHE LEARNS TWILIGHT IS A SPY AND TRICKS HIM INTO ADOPTING HER AND THUS BEGINS THE FAKE!PARENT AND CHILD SHENANIGANS WITH A HEALTHY DOSE OF CUTE BONDING

CAN YOU FEEL THE DIABETES YET

BUT THE SCHOOL ALSO REQUIRES MEETINGS TO BE WITH BOTH PARENTS, SO TWILIGHT NEEDS TO FIND A WIFE

THUS ENTERS YORU BRIAR

SHE’S A 27-YEAR-OLD OFFICE WALLFLOWER

SHE’S AN ORPHAN WHO RAISED HER YOUNGER BROTHER ON HER OWN

SHE STICKS HER LEGGY UP REAL FAR

SHE’S ALSO A HITWOMAN UNDER THE CODENAME “THORN PRINCESS” WHO ESPECIALIZES IN KILLING LOADS OF PEOPLE WITH HUGE NEEDLES AND CAN PUNCH YOU SO HARD YOU’LL THANK HER

(SHE’S STRONGER THAN TWILIGHT TOO)

WHEN SHE LIES TO HER BROTHER ABOUT HAVING A BOYFRIEND TO GET HIM OFF HER BACK, HER BROTHER INSISTS IN MEETING THE MAN PERSONALLY AND WILL EVEN REJECT A JOB PROMOTION UNTIL THEY MEET

AND SO THESE TWO CASUALLY MEET AND WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM ANYA, WHO FINDS OUT YORU IS A HITWOMAN AND REALIZES HAVING A SPY AND A HITWOMAN FOR PARENTS WOULD BE ENTERTAINING AS ALL HELL, THEY DECIDE TO FAKE A RELATIONSHIP TO HELP EACH OTHER’S GOALS

TWILIGHT WILL PRETEND TO BE YORU’S BOYFRIEND TO GET HER BROTHER OFF HER BACK

YORU WILL PRETEND TO BE TWILIGHT’S WIFE SO ANYA CAN GET IN THE ELITE SCHOOL

BUT BECAUSE THE POLITICAL CLIMATE IS SO HEAVY WITH SUSPICION AND PEOPLE ARE BEING FALSELY ACCUSED TO BEING SPIES ALL THE TIME, THEY DECIDE TO FAKE-MARRY FOR REAL, JUST TO APPEAR LIKE A NORMAL COUPLE AND THROW SUSPICION OFF THEM AND THEIR RESPECTIVE SECRET JOBS

BUT JUST UNTIL THEY MEET THEIR GOALS RIGHT GUYS

THERE’S DEFINITELY NOT GONNA BE ANY REAL FEELINGS DEVELOPING OR ANYTHING RIGHT GUYS

YES THAT IS A GRENADE PIN TWILIGHT USED AS A WEDDING RING GUYS

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE ACTUAL, GREATEST THING IS? NOBODY KNOWS THE OTHER PARTY’S SECRET

TWILIGHT DOESN’T KNOW YORU IS A HITWOMAN

YORU DOESN’T KNOW TWILIGHT IS A SPY

NOBODY KNOWS ANYA IS PSYCHIC

ANYA KNOWS EVERYTHING BUT PRETENDS NOT TO SO SHE CAN HAVE A FAMILY

IT’S SUCH A STUPID, HILARIOUS CLUSTERFUCK THAT WILL BLOW UP IN GOD KNOWS WHICH WAY AND I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT FOR IT

THUS FAR THERE’S TWO CHAPTERS OUT, 50 PAGES EACH. IT RELEASES ON THE MANGAPLUS APP BI-MONTHLY WHICH IS A LONG WAIT BUT OH GOD SO FUCKING WORTH IT

First pick a fake name, I use Jessica, then download the Google Voice app, hook it up to your email, pick a number, and set up a fake greeting with your fake name. You can set it to ring your actual phone like a normal call or text but they don’t have real info on you.