$LAYYYTER
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@quarrygraffiti

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when you go to a doctors office their favorite thing to do is tell you "okay check out at the front desk" when you're done. and the front desk tells you ummm you can just go! and you're like don't I have a copay? and they're like we don't know, we have to ask your insurance company first. and you're like well my insurance card says the copay is $30, can I just pay it right now while I'm standing in front of you? there's a card reader right there on the desk. and they're like nooo we have to send a representative on horseback during the next waning moon to meet with their claims adjusting associate director of benefits management and client services in the secret glade to negotiate. and you're like oh okay and go home. and you get twelve emails asking you to take a survey about your experience
AND THEN in eight months you start getting phone calls from unknown numbers and when you finally check your voicemail they're like Your Balance Is Past Due We're Going To Kill You (even though by this point you have forgotten that you ever went to the doctor). and so you go to your MyChart account and log in with your username and password and you have to reset your password for security reasons. and you get two emails that say Your Password Has Been Reset. Was This You? and you have to go find your phone and enter your two factor authentication code and then you have to select which location you visited and then you have to click through all the Reminder: Complete Your Health History Profile where they ask if you've had any new surgeries even though you definitely told the nurse about this at your visit and then you have to find the Pay Bills tab and your balance is $179.23 and you're like why is it so expensive I thought the copay was $30? and you download a PDF of the charges and find out that they charged a late fee of $15 a month even though that doesn't add up to $179.23 and you don't even remember being told you had any balance at any point and you could call a representative and ask about it but that would probably take at least half an hour and there's no way it would actually get rid of the charges. so you go pay it anyway and you have to go find a paper check to look up your bank account routing number because they'll charge you an extra 3% if you pay with a credit card and there's a fee of $2.75 for convenience also. and then you get three emails that say We've Received Your Payment! Thank You For Your Payment!
picklesbaseball
I heard this metaphor growing up, and in my case, it backfired supremely, because I went out into my neighbor's backyard where a rose bush was growing, and the one I tested had like 30 petals (it was yellow, but definitely a rose of some kind), and as a very logical lass, I came to the conclusion that you could have premarital sex AT LEAST ten times before your future husband would even notice something was up. Moral of the story? Test your metaphors on the weirdest and most neurodivergent child you know before writing your weird religious propaganda.
IHust wiOke upmy whol hOUSSe
I’m telling this story again b/c fuck it but anyways I was playing D&D and one of my friends went “brown bear brown bear what do you see” and on cue three of us turn to him and like, death metal screech “ALLLL”.
The dude goes completely pale faced. I saw true horror in his eyes.
He didn’t know the joke.
So apparently dude just had three of his best friends demonically screech at him for no goddamn reason.
I do not think I will ever cause that level of sheer terror and confusion ever again in my life.

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i bet it feels good as fuck to intend to do something and then actually do it
you can tell a lot by a womans hands, for instance, she has hooves? horse.

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*turns my attention inwards* mmmmm. no *turns my attention back outwards* oh god
I don't know who needs to hear this but... start living. The days are flying by and all you do is work, pay bills, and stress. Enjoy what you can like walks, sunsets, music, laughter. Joy doesn't have to be expensive. You deserve it.
here we go again outro
if i met a genie and fixed the world and all its ills with my first two wishes, my third wish would be that sabrina carpenter would get gradually taller. she'd be in on it and think it was hilarious. we'd have a strong cap at 7 feet here, maybe an inch a week so people have time to theorize--let's not be ridiculous. but she'd still keep up the "ooh! im so little and small!" schtick. but shed be gradually getting taller. she'd be like 6'1" and still jumping for the microphone. and she'd never say anything about it. and if anyone asked shed act like she had no idea what they were talking about. and shed cheekily play into it a little bit but mostly still keep up the "ooh im so little and small" schtick. do you see my vision. do you get it
ok and so if i met a genie and fixed the world and all its ills in one wish i would do the sabrina carpenter thing second and third i would wish for all evidence of one random taylor swift song to disappear from the world once every month or so. taylor would have no memory of it. her fans would remember it and there would be an outcry over where it went (it's not even in concert videos anymore!) but taylor would have no memory of it
instead, all her brainspace spent on that song would be replaced with the vivid memories of roman gladiator, taylaurius velox. she's able to hide this at first, but her music begins to take on a gradually romaner and romaner tint. at first, people are like "damn, she's getting REALLY conservative, huh" and other people are like "wow, she's so deep, she knows what a rubicon is" but eventually travis kelce leaves her out of nowhere (he wasn't sure if dating someone possessed by a roman gladiator made him gay or not and anyway he was getting sick of being like "we're going to play the lions" and taylor being like "LIONS? WHERE?") and taylor publishes an entire brutus themed album about this betrayal and it's beginning to weird people out
and so eventually travis kelce is getting like, bomb threats sent to his family for leaving taylor and eventually he's like "okay, okay, i left her because she kept having all these vivid nightmares of gladatorial combat and she kept saying that football was giving her the ick because we never actually killed anybody for the glory of rome" and then he just gets more bomb threats because he left a struggling woman during a mental health crisis
and eventually taylor is writing music about her forbidden roman senator lover and her fanbase is either whittled WAY down or WAY up because people want to watch this trainwreck happen (or maybe she influences culture so hard that we're just all really into rome now) but she's being super cagey about the name of this roman senator. until. and now here's the twist:
weird al has been getting all of the same vivid memories of taylaurius velox. and he still has all his memories of her old songs. so he's writing all these detailed song parodies of taylor swift songs that don't exist anymore including specific details about their shared gladiatorial reality that taylor has never shared with anybody else. including that her lover's name was publius, and she's been calling him Poob for short
at this point a lot of original swifties are leaving. they could do the brutus stuff, but they really can't survive poob. taylor makes a clapping back at the haters song including the lyric "these bitches don't know publius" and it ends up all over all sorts of merch. there's a renewed archaeological interest in roman gladatorial combat
most importantly, the internet discourse is the best it's ever been. does this make taylor swift transmasc? is travis kelce problematic for leaving his fiancee while she gradually morphs into a roman gladiator? is this good queer representation? if taylaurius velox was a gay man, does that mean the gaylors were technically correct? is weird al morally wrong for capitalizing off of her music if she cant remember it anymore? was weird al sent by god to torment taylor swift?
anyway thats what id do if i met a genie

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