Y'all probably taking it steamed and spiceless you freaks. Make something with it, you canât just mildly heat it and expect it to be good, itâs not weed, you gotta do something with it. And itâs also gonna be shit if you use it as an inferior meat replacement. You gotta value the cauliflower for itself, for its own potential, not for its ability to mimick something entirely different to it. So since y'all clearly donât know how to use a vegetable correctly hereâs one of the best recipes to make the cauliflower shine.
First, prepare a tomato sauce. My usual is tomatoes, a bit of onion and some garlic blended together with enough water to make it soupy but thickish, like mushroom cream. If you substitute the water for chicken stock itâs even better (no boxed bullshit, buy a chicken breast, cook it in water and then save that water for when you need stock). Obviously you have to spice it, I add salt, a ton of pepper, oregano, basil, basically anything thatâs gold on pasta and if Iâm feeling spicy, Iâll blend a chipotle pepper or two in it. Let it boil a couple minutes and take off the fire to set some frying oil, we gonna be frying today. Also, if youâre fine with carbs prepare some rice for the side.
Chop your cauliflowers and scald them.if you donât know what that means, you need to boil salt water and then drop the cauliflower in for one or two minutes, then fish it out with a colander and let it drain, we need it dry for this recipe. It should be soft but firm, if itâs tough then repeat until you get the time right.
Here comes the fun part: youâre gonna need a big towel. Place your cauliflowers in over the sink, wrap it all up and then squeeze it with a twisting motion. You need to absolutely dry them up, if you do it right youâll end up with a mushy paste. You can use the water to cook pasta for later if you donât want to waste it.
Whip some egg whites with an electric mixer until they get the consistency of soap foam. You can do it by hand as well if you got anger issues, otherwise itâll take too long. A cheap hand mixer we got cost like $15 and it works fine, theyâre not fancy tools, itâs just a motor you plug whisks to, you donât need some fancy ass Kitchen Aid youtuber crap if itâs too expensive. Once the whites are foamy youâre gonna introduce the yolks one by one, slowly and without stopping the mixer, so they can incorporate without losing volume. You canât correct this part so if you fuck it up make an omelet and try again with new eggs.
When your egg is ready and your oil is close to smoke point, make little cauliflower balls. You can fill them with a bit of cheese for extra taste. Flour your balls lightly, dunk one in the egg mixture, make sure itâs entirely covered (use a plastic tool, metal will break the egg foam) and then immediately drop it in the oil. If itâs hot enough the egg will cook in seconds,flip it to cook the top side, and then set it to drain on a rack or over paper or ideally one and then the other.
(side note: I donât know if you can bake or air fry this but youâre welcome to try, I will soon and reblog with the results)
Serve your cauliflowers on a plate, the rice on the side and then absolutely drench everything in tomato sauce. It should look something like this:
(I was still working on my plating skills in 2018 shut up)
Bite into it and enjoy cauliflower at its best. Itâs a good recipe, itâs healthy, itâs cheap, you can make it vegan really easily, and itâs not pretending to be meat or pizza so youâre not set up for a disappointment. Itâs just a glowup for a discriminated vegetable by people who actually know how to cook: Mexicans.
This isnât a private recipe, you can share it with anyone you want, make a YouTube video about it, sell it for profit even, just with two conditions:
Make sure to mention that it is a Mexican recipe. Our cuisine has bad rep for being unhealthy because when white people come they only have fast food and donât get to see the less trendy stuff. I want a better name for my culture, and
For the love of Chris do not fucking dare to call them âcauliflower meatballsâ or Iâll chase you down and beat you with a stick. A big one, the ones republicans enjoy hitting their children with. Do. Not. Call. Them. Meatballs. DO NOT CALL THEM MEATBALLS. I canât emphasize that enough. These are called coliflores lampreadas, make up a bs English name if you canât pronounce that, I donât care, as long as you donât use the word âmeatâ to devalue an excellent vegetable because you have a small pee pee. Let them shine for what they are, donât give them impossible expectations because thatâs the exact reason so many of you crybabies have never enjoyed a real vegetable.
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