i'm soft for my qpp: the blog!

SO

now i have a carrd

i have this friend i met a while ago. about 9 months ago, maybe, something like that. we clicked really fast (our brands of autism mesh well), and it’s just been really, really great. in that time i’ve met her family, been quasi-adopted into her friend group, and now we live together along with a couple of our other friends. it’s just been so, so wonderful and as someone who’s spent most of his life lonely and out of place she’s just been… a fundamentally life altering addition to my life, honestly?

we were hanging out really, really late at night with one of our friends that also lives with us, and we created that wild manic late-at-night hangout energy that makes anything and everything so indescribably hilarious. during this, she looked at me and asked “aren’t you glad we’re friends?” in that way where it’s sarcastic, but in the sense of ‘the vibes we have created are so infinitely WACK that we are all simultaneously having a great time while being dealt massive amounts of psychic damage,’ if that makes any sense at all.

and so, so many responses went through my head, and all of them were serious. because, like, yes. yes i am. i am so, so glad we’re friends and i don’t know if i’ll ever tell you or convey to you how much you have fundamentally altered my life over the last nine-ish months but YES. i cannot convey the emotions you and everything you’ve given me make me feel but jesus h. christ it’s a lot. and all i did was laugh in response instead, because obviously speaking those words out loud would’ve been a whiplash-inducing tonal shift in the moment. also, that’s a level of emotional vulnerability that i am rarely capable of, because unfortunately what doesn’t kill you makes you weird at intimacy.

so, with this in mind, i immediately identified those emotions i was feeling as similar to the way i feel about a QPR that i’ve been in for over a year now (we had our 1 year anniversary in august hehe). i love my QPP with everything that i have and with an intensity that i didn’t know i had in me until i met them, so the fact that i am feeling vague wisps of something similar for my friend scares me a bit. not because my current QPP would be upset or anything (i actually think they would encourage it, if anything), but because i just… don’t know what to think? i know my friend is aspec, and has great opinions on most everything and we’ve had in depth discussions about QPRs and aromanticism and all of that fun jazz. so it’s not like i’m just harboring these very new feelings out of fear that she would somehow not understand it. i just think i don’t know what to do with it, because when i think about being in a QPR with her i like it. but i think asking her or even talking about it just feels way, way too early, and i don’t know if she’d feel anything remotely similar or what she’d think about it.

sorry this was so long! i really don’t know what the point of this was, other than to just cast my feelings somewhere and be able to mark it anonymously. so if you read this and made it this far, thank you!

aaah it's been so long since this got sent and i keep forgetting it's in my inbox!! i'm sorry anon, i hope y'all are still doing okay ;w;

tbh, i think a qpr is like any other relationship - if you don't want to ask her quite yet, it's okay to just sit and think about those feelings and have a platonic crush :) i think waiting is a good idea if you're not sure, plus it gives you time to think about how you'd like to talk to her abt it!