Challenge Assumptions, Push Limits and Grow

Toys strewn about the house. Two loads of dishes stacked on the counter. Left over cereal spill marinating on the table. The sinkhole of despair. I couldn't hack it as a SAHM. The ordinary and mundane tasks were mountains to climb. The simplest task took an internal pep talk to get through. My internal dialog constantly mocking me and putting me down. After a year of soul searching, I went back to work. My evenings are full of the mundane tasks, but now they are something to conquer. Instead of being the measure of what I am worth, they are the extra things that just come with raising kids and living life. I needed the structure and time constraints built in to push me to get through the mundane. When I know I only have x amount of time, I kick into overdrive. As a hot or cold person, I need the change of pace that a separate work environment provides. Right now I work 20 hours a week - so I have Thursday and Friday off. I am excited about those two days till about noon on Thursday. Then I would rather be at work. There is so much and yet so little to be accomplished at home when little children are about. I would revel in these two days if it really was free. I would work on my music, write my book, get back into painting and generally do anything on the creative spectrum. But nothing creative comes out of me while watching children. I can't even shop with children present. It totally ruins the flow of my decision making process. It paralyzes me. I am constantly having to overcome this, but it doesn't come easy, so it looks labored and slow.3 I absorb energy. Does that make sense to anyone? Some would call me a chameleon, but I don't change my skin color to match the environment, I change my energy to match the energy of the environment. Little kid energy is chaos. It is exciting, depressing, self centered, easily angered, flighty with no focus, or laser focus. I couldn't keep absorbing that energy. It was destroying me. I needed some calm energy. Some get shit done energy. And I got it. And that made all the difference. So if you are finding yourself in a rut, or are struggling with productivity, can you think of environmental things holding you back? Maybe your work environment is bad and is dragging you down. Maybe it isn't that you are a horrible, lazy person but that your talents and gifts are not being channeled properly. And just as important as your gifts are coming to a true and respectful place in regards to your weaknesses. Don't avoid them. Embrace them and use them to help you understand the situations you DON'T want to put yourself in. And slowly work to mitigate your weaknesses, without beating yourself up. We all have them. My plan going forward is to really appreciate people for the things they can teach me - the ways their strengths can cover my weaknesses and the way my strengths can give others a boost. Cause we are at our best when we are helping and growing each other.

Our narrative of humanity defines what we view our role to be within it. Is the story one of slow steady progress toward greater and greater enlightenment? Is innovation inevitable? And to go deeper, does innovation necessarily equate to a generally higher level of human consciousness? My answer to these questions is: no. My reasoning? Human history is littered with examples of how the ideologies of a few prevent progress. So many technologies have become lost to history, still not understood. What causes innovation to be lost? I believe the dark ages are always a threat. When ideologies prevent collaboration and the ties binding innovation to general progress are severed, humanity reverts back to it's protectionist tribal mindset. It is during these times the arc of society and of history becomes permanently altered. This threat which comes from the inside and seeps into a society like an odorless gas is ever present. It lies in the hearts of people, waiting for a catalyst. Ideology, like a parasite, travels from person to person, depositing, not seeds but eggs. Those eggs, given the right conditions, will hatch into larvae. They begin to feed off of the host, twisting their ideas and altering the person at a core level. (Watch a BBC video on parasites - creepy and fascinating how they can even control their hosts' mind). Soon those infected with the parasite of ideology - good and bad and neutral ones - look for others who are similarly infected. Depending upon how obvious their infection is, they can usually blend in for a while, until enough people have been infected to allow for the public expression of these ideologies. At any moment a new slogan, a new cult of personality, a new horrific crime will allow for dormant ideologies to be given full view. Whether it is "Make America Great Again" or "Black Lives Matter" the control these ideologies exert over their followers is complete. These ideological parasites push and pull at the hearts and minds of people, controlling their reactions to unrelated events. Preventing compassion and a shared sense of justice and humanity for all because the narrative does not fit nicely with the ideology. So, should we reject ideology? Is that even possible? No. But we need to understand the power these dormant, lying-in-wait ideologies have. How they cloud our judgement in individual situations. How they prevent relating to those with different parasitical ideologies. I worry about the progress of women. I could just sit back and say, we live in a time where women can be who they want to in our country so stop pushing for women's rights. However, too many ideological parasites are waiting to pounce on those rights. So, I continue to be vigilant that my rights are not stepped on. But I have to be careful to not let my worry about women's rights cloud my judgement when talking to men. If I do that, it means I have allowed the parasite of women's rights ideology to control me. It means I will actively look for slights in order to excoriate them, but in the process I will alienate myself and most likely falsely accuse too many people and it will eventually destroy me. Likewise, if someone sees me as a confident woman who has no problem speaking or taking a seat at the table, I hope the ideologies which cast negative traits on women like me will be actively suppressed by those who hold them. To hold open their mind to seeing me as an individual who is a friend, co worker, mother, wife. I constantly strive to do the same. The polarization of our society has hit my family hard. I have BLM and MAGA both in my immediate family. It has prevented meaningful dialog about current events and ideology for the last year and a half. It is slowly destroying my family. Instead of talking, we avoid the trigger subjects. By avoiding it we are hardening ourselves to one another. We are ascribing negative traits to those we love any time we encounter someone with same ideology as our loved ones who rubs us the wrong way. It is leading both sides down opposite and equally extreme paths. How do we slowly build a bridge over the parasites of ideology to prevent the decline of society? How do we re-humanize everyone? Can we want law and order while at the same time seeking justice and inclusion for the marginalized? I want to begin these conversations with my family, but where do I start? How do I reach, past my own parasites and theirs, to have compassionate conversations in order to prevent the complete fracture of our society? Because do not be fooled, ideologies allowed to fester and grow untamed will not only destroy the host, but the society as a whole. It is on all of us to find a path to dialog instead of hatred within our circles of influence. I don't need to look back very far in history to find examples of what hateful ideology does to a society and how many lives it impacts.

To mold him, help him. Don’t expect. Only hope. Finding the balance. It’s a tight rope walk, and I’m not ready for the performance.

Preface: I love my kids. But I have this belief that social media is a personal experience. One I wouldn't want to be included in without consent. But it is sooooo hard not to include the kids. Man, those posts get ALL the likes. I just don't want my kids to look at what I posted about them 15 years from now and be embarrassed. We have a whole new ballgame here. What we say is there for perpetuity. So at the point where there could be embarrassment...I stop. Cause I would have HATED being outed by my parents for stuff I did at 6 or 7. (Full disclosure...the rest of this has a rap quality to it I can't deny 😂) This is the transitional group...the ones who have been on social media from birth, maybe they won't know the difference, but what if they do? Will they laugh it off, or will it hurt their truth? Can I be me without them? Can they be them without me? The roles change, the feelings shift. What started out benign has gone to shit. I want to respect them. I care that they grow to be their own. So when to I stop pushing send, saying yes, to those cute pics with the likes and the endless hearts: How do you cure yourself of the drug? I would rather they come from my original content, but they haven't...do I need to be better? Can I do more to be a better friend so I don't need to put those cute pictures up. That's the problem. They're cute pictures. This is the dilemma of a parent. Stay true to self or lose yourself. How to stay true but raise the children to be themselves too...it can feel like a lonely game. Though it is collectively played. I refuse to lose me, I refuse to lose them, so I straddle the fence and I don't know how to balance the love for myself with the love I have for them...I won't sacrifice either, which throws all the boxes out the door. The boxes need to go. They don't belong here anymore.

Well...that is maybe a little dramatic. Not yet, but I can already see the writing on the wall. I will turn into him. Age is just a number and I am always 21. So if it wasn't for the fact that I know my 30-40's peeps look down their noses at all the selfies, I would be whipping out the selfies left and right. Why? Cause it's fun! So how do I live as a perpetual 21 year old in an aging body? Sometimes gracefully and other times not so much. Oh, I know when I have crossed the invisible line of what a mother of three is expected to be. But if I actually post about it, then maybe I just don't care at that moment to censure myself. Why those invisible lines to box people into roles were ever created is beyond me. Those boxes prevent creativity and freedom. They need to be smashed. Whether it is in regards to the number of selfies you want to take or the next job promotion you are going for. Don't put yourself in a box!! Any time you say: "I am just not good at this." That is a box you have made for yourself. Sometimes those boxes are true, but other times they are lies you believe from one or two bad experiences. I never thought I was very funny. Sure, around the right people I could get everyone cracking up, but it wasn't a steady enough thing I could hang my hat on. Many more times I can get "serious serious". "Serious serious" is that state where everyone wants to take a step back from you and say, "damn that is serious". I don't always bring the fun. So it wasn't until very recently that I have had a few different friends tell me I am funny. I know I have actually put myself down in the past, thinking I have a bad personality because I am not funny. All it took was a couple people telling me I was funny and now I actually look to make people laugh and consider that another tool to being a good friend to those I care about. I had put myself in the not-funny box. I am so happy to be out of that one...it really is a downer place to be. That is the really cool part of being in my mid thirties. I am discovering so many things about myself and I have the experience to synergize them with the rest of me to make this really interesting person. I am definitely not everyone's cup of tea (ahem...coffee) but that is also finally alright with me.

Mie Hama

E.B. White

 My blog here is about growth and trying to push ourselves to be better. One of the topics I have already discussed is intrinsic motivation. One of the ways we are intrinsically motivated is when what we do has value. On a daily basis, what are the things you provide the most value to? Why? Where in your life do you either not provide much value - or you don’t feel you are valued for what you do? Why? This is such a good thought exercise. It wouldn’t surprise me if those times where you feel valued are when you are doing things which help others and/or are being recognized for that. We need each other in order to add that value. To be that friend who just knows when they are needed and steps in. Or to see someone at the store struggling to pay the bills and stepping in to pay it for them. Be the person who recognizes the efforts of others instead of looking for the criticisms. It means generally taking our eyes off of ourselves. To look for ways to serve and just be there - while staying true to the person you are. By taking the attention off of yourself, you will find your purpose on a daily basis. If you do not find much value in anything you do, consider why, and then consider how you can add value either in your current surroundings, or by finding new surroundings. 

Do we blame Donald Trump for being Donald Trump? Or do we look deeper, to the dark regions of our collective psyche to find out what disenfranchised us all to such a degree we feel genuine resentment toward people with different political views? Donald Trump’s rhetoric would have fallen on deaf ears if people were not already feeling a deep sense of resentment toward progressive ideals, eroding job prospects in the heart of traditional communities, and a sense that the political establishment had not been listening for far too long. People wanted change. They are getting it. But the price, I fear, is going to be much steeper than they imagined. 

So my challenge? Instead of beating an issue to death with semantics, get to know people’s values. Ask them how they came to those values. See if you can figure out your values, how you came to them and why they are important. I am just as guilty of this...but so many times we use arguments, not because we actually are passionate about it, but because we think it would be something that would matter to the person we disagree with. If it doesn’t matter to you, don’t use it as an argument. I was guilty of this just yesterday...using the Talmud interpretations to show how Christians have twisted the Old Testament to support their strict life begins at conception argument. Do I actually, personally care about the Talmud interpretations? I mean, it’s cool that the Jewish people are not against abortion on religious reasons. But it was never a deciding factor in what has led me to be pro choice. But I thought it would be a winning argument with people who tend to latch on to religious dogma. I need to stop doing that. It won’t win friends, but more importantly, it won’t help our country learn how to listen to each other’s perspectives in a respectful way. We have lost respect for each other. Respect is a hard thing to win back. It will take all of us to put down the rhetoric, open up to one another, and express our hopes and fears for our country. It’s important. 

Even as I finish this…my tags for this post? #feminism #BLM are both included…why? Because it’s what we do to get the readership - but does it doom us to only get the readers who already agree with us? Sometimes I think these hashtags invite the shock without a way to facilitate consensus building. There was an audible sigh after I finished that last line.

I don't get it. I see it here and there and it is such an overused saying, so it usually gets the obligatory eye roll and scroll on treatment. But not today. Today it made me mad. The full saying which brought this anger on was: "Sometimes the strongest women are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles no one knows about." Ummmm....that sounds like you are saying a strong women is one who takes pride in enduring abuse and won't tell anyone about it. Or a less sinister interpretation is a woman who knows her place and won't complain. We all fight battles. "Life IS pain highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." But to isolate yourself and not express your pain, that goes against all that humans as relational and social beings were created to do. Why praise isolation? Why in only women? My theory is that in patriarchal relationships there is a strong disincentive for the controlling nature of these relationships to be shown for what they could devolve into lest they indict the whole system. Women, especially in traditional communities, are raised to be codependent. They are told to wait for a man. To wait on God. To allow their husband to lead them to God. It is sickening the lack of agency given to women in my local area. These sayings only put women on a pedestal of isolation, so the system can continue to be propagated. Now, am I saying all traditional relationships are like this? No. In fact I love many people who truly love their arrangement and how they are there for each other in a clearly delineated role which each does with love and respect toward the other. But you cannot deny this attitude to be an easy cover for abuse. Especially as women have a lower sense of agency, are praised for being silent and are shamed for coming forward with abuse...which option would you chose when community is the highest good, and to say anything makes you a pariah? I wish people understood how much this feeds into negative gender stereotypes.

Sometimes you just need someone who tells it like it is. 

I went to 16personalities.com this week to find out my personality type. It only takes 12 minutes, it's free, and comes with pages of information on your strengths and weaknesses. So do it! Then go to Pinterest, type in your personality followed by humor in the search bar and be amazed. I am ENFP and my husband is ENTJ. So I am a campaigner/promoter/idealist/free spirit - I am the person who wants to be in front of people inspiring them. My hubby is the no nonsense get shit done type. In fact his personality has off the charts better median income than any of the other 15 types (same personality as Steve Jobs). His is known as the Commander. We work well balancing each other, till we don't. But just reading through all of this is giving me a better perspective on him, and conversely is giving him a better perspective on me. He was shocked that I will say something just because and then overthink it and regret it. Or that I am constantly having to war with myself to do mundane boring tasks. He executes, his words are chosen for a purpose...unless you have got enough vodka or scotch in him...that can be a wild ride of random talkativeness! He doesn't get the tangential nature of my conversations. What is the actionable point! He keeps me on task, I keep him fun. But just knowing this about myself is opening me up to addressing my weaknesses. My biggest? I HATE being told what to do. Outside of my extreme extrovert score, my biggest outlier is my arbitrary resistance to being managed. This doesn't translate well to the workforce. I need to calm the voices in my head which tell me: "They just told me what to do! They don't think I can handle it without their guidance!" Which in actuality I might not...since I am great at starting projects but get bored easily enough for my follow-through to be sorely lacking. So...I need to either drastically improve my follow through, drastically improve my handling of reminders and criticisms, or find a middle ground of improving both...One positive about my personality? I am ambitious. So I plan to be up for the task. Let's get shit done and not worry what people think of it in the process...tell myself that and it will be true, right?! What is your personality type?

After drowning out sorrows with wine and scrolling through my Facebook feed more times than I care to admit (when does that ever actually help?)...I am going to go on a purge fest. I hate clutter, and three little boys naturally add clutter. It needs to go. I am done with the junk. I needed something superficial to focus on. This is it. Get me out of my funk and focused on something I can control.