I'm thinking about Mshenko again but it's just Shepard's voice. ME2 Kaidan thinking Shepard's gone and that the last conversation they ever had was hurried and rushed with their ship crumbling around them, Shepard sending him away, then going two years either not hearing Shepard's voice at all or only in recordings. Then Horizon happens, and Kaidan comes out of the Collector's paralysis and heads towards the commotion, and it's Shepard, and Shepard's voice, the one he's been playing on repeat in his mind for 2 years, and he sounds the same (or close enough, maybe a little different, reconstructing vocal cords probably isn't perfect.) But it's also Cerberus' Shepard, so Kaidan chooses integrity and what he thinks is the right thing, while Shepard does the same on the opposite side, and then Shepard's gone again, his voice still ringing in Kaidan's ears even though this time, Kaidan was the one who chose to go.
And then Vancouver, where Kaidan stands there for a second, watching Shepard before calling him, and Shepard turns around so quickly like maybe he's missed Kaidan's voice too, and they're talking, but it's strained, even though he smiles and Shepard smiles back, and Kaidan doesn't really know that man anymore, but he used to. And then it's Mars, where it's not just Shepard's voice, but the Commander's, and Kaidan feels like he's where he belongs again for the first time in years and it's confusing because he's still hurt and wary but it's Commander Shepard, so he can't help but be glad to hear him giving orders like it's 2183 again. And this time, when they find their target, he puts himself between it and Shepard and the others instead of arriving too late to help, and the last thing he hears before his head gets bashed in is Shepard shouting for him.
And then the hospital, where we don't know how much Kaidan heard subconsciously. Maybe he dreamed about Shepard, hearing his voice the first time Shepard checked on him. Maybe he didn't hear a thing and woke up to a quiet hospital room on the peaceful Citadel and had to convince himself it'd all really happened. Then he sends an email, Shepard shows up, and it's real, and they talk, and maybe it goes well or maybe it doesn't, but at least it's a conversation without them standing on opposite sides of an invisible line. Sure, Shepard leaves after, but Kaidan doesn't feel like all the air in the room went with him, so that's something. And he comes back, and they talk, and Kaidan's a Spectre, and he's being discharged, and everything's fine until it isn't, until something's wrong, the Citadel is in a panic, Cerberus is there, the Council is in danger, Kaidan has to do whatever he can, so he goes. Then, just when he thinks he's about to fight for his life and the lives of the Council with everything he has, it's Shepard again, standing between him and the elevator, but is it really?
Except it is, because that's Shepard's voice. And it's not just his voice in a way someone could replicate, like the actual sound of it, but in how it softens in a way nobody would know to mimic when he trusts Kaidan to trust him. So he turns on Udina, Udina draws a gun, someone shoots, it's over, but it's not, because Cerberus got away and the Council was nearly killed and the divide between Kaidan and Shepard is still there, a yawning chasm that makes Kaidan really, really wants to make a leap. So he does, and he goes to the Normandy, but he doesn't go aboard because it's not his ship or his home anymore, and this one technically never was anyway. Instead, he waits outside, standing there watching ships go by and bracing himself for a talk he doesn't know if he thinks he deserves to be given the chance to have.
It feels like an eternity, but then Shepard's there, telling him to let him have it, and Kaidan values honesty and communication and Shepard's orders so he does, and they talk about how it felt to point guns at each other and not know if the other was going to pull the trigger. They talk about Udina and what matters, and Kaidan thinks about how this matters too, him and Shepard, the Normandy, helping to stop the Reapers. He admits he'd come home in a second if he could, and he's not sure if there's a better thing in the galaxy than Shepard's voice saying, "welcome aboard, Major," except maybe how easily their hands fit together and the warm proof of Shepard being alive.
And suddenly, for the first time in three years, Shepard's voice is all around him again. He walks through the ship, maybe dodging some frosty looks here and there, maybe looking at everything with a bittersweet feeling in his chest because it's the same but it's so different, and he hears Shepard distantly chatting with this or that crewmate. He sits in the mess and Shepard comes out of the med-bay from meeting with Chakwas and it could be the SR-1 again with how familiar it is. They prep for a new mission and Shepard tells Kaidan to grab his gear and Kaidan grins in a way he never did when he got the same order from anyone else he worked with in the time Shepard was gone.
Not everything's perfect, though, and Kaidan can't get it all out of his mind, but this time, when he's sitting in the crew's cabin staring at the walls, Shepard shows up. He sits down and they banter like they did before the Collectors shredded their words apart, but this time the word "flirting" is said and it feels different, too, except that when Kaidan admits he's been thinking, Shepard listens, just like he always did. They talk, have a real conversation about the Illusive Man and Cerberus and everything that Kaidan hasn't been able to stop turning around and around in his head. It doesn't fix it, but it helps, and Shepard helps, and Kaidan knew he would, but knowing it hypothetically and actually feeling his chest begin to untangle as he listens to Shepard speak are two very different things.
Maybe that's what tips Kaidan over the edge to end up sitting in the Apollo cafe, jiggling his leg under the table and watching artificial clouds to distract himself from his nerves while he waits for Shepard, or maybe it isn't. Either way, he hears Shepard's footsteps and immediately knows them from anyone else's even with his back turned, and he knows Shepard's voice the second he inhales before going to speak, and it's easy to start chatting, making jokes about the menu and a sanity check. It's less easy to get himself to open up about the rest of it, about being restless or about what he really wants to talk about, but it's Shepard asking, all quiet and Shepard about it like the entire galaxy has shrunk down to just their table, so he does. Watching Shepard look away is like the moment the Mako would drive out of the ship in midair and gravity would catch her, pitching them down towards a planet, his stomach in his throat, but having Shepard smile and hearing him say the word love, it's like after a fight when the adrenaline's still pumping but all the emotions have been replaced with relief to still be alive.
And at some point throughout the next few weeks, Kaidan winds up laying in Shepard's arms, one of their heads on the other's chest, feeling Shepard's half-asleep murmurs reverberate through him, and there's a war on, people are dying, the Reapers have turned their home into hell, but for a second, tucked away from it all with Shepard right there, Kaidan can close his eyes and listen, and it feels like peace.
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I saw a post Once about Kaidan struggling with Banshees in ME3 because of how shrill their screeches can be + his migraines from his implant, and now every single time I go to the Ardat-Yakshi Monastery I spend half my time thinking about Kaidan. Not just because I spend the entire game thinking about Kaidan anyway, but also because in my head it would be so miserable for him considering what he says about hating loud noises and bright lights
I genuinely believe that if I spend too much time without playing Mass Effect there's an alarm that will go off. It's kinda invisible but I know it exists and after a while I need to pay attention to it. Some things you can't postpone, it becomes too dangerous. Aside from that I'm perfectly normal
I'm rewatching clips of my Mshenko Shepard, and something I don't think I think about enough when it comes to Kaidan is the trauma he has from Vyrnnus, his biotic teacher, and how he then grew up to be a biotic teacher himself in ME3. Sure, I don't personally get the impression he's training inexperienced kids (even if they are the "youth" as he says in London,) so it's not the same, but he's still an instructor. He grows from being worried about letting himself use his biotics too much and losing control in ME1 to eventually trusting himself enough to become a teacher like Vyrnnus, and it feels like there's such a thread to pull there about what that means to him. Like, when asked about it, he says he turned it down at first because he prefers to get his hands dirty, but I have to believe there's a part of him that was scared of putting himself in Vyrnnus' place, too. Kaidan was there once, when he defended Rahna from Vyrnnus and "became" a monster like his classmates all thought Vyrnnus was, and I can't see him ever wanting to go through that again.
But at the same time, could he really let someone else do it? Did part of his decision to eventually agree come from the fact that, if he was the teacher, he could make sure no one like Vyrnnus took the job instead? When Kaidan says in the hospital that Anderson insisted it "had to be" him who took the job, Shepard says that, with his history, he was the perfect choice, then Kaidan tells them that most people in the galaxy still see biotics as freaks and says that accepting and embracing their biotics can be what allows someone to find success. The idea of Kaidan wanting to make sure that other biotics had a teacher who encouraged them like that instead of treating them like freaks or like Vyrnnus did is something so important to me.
And also, the fact that he has several comments he makes about his students throughout ME3, about worrying about them and wanting to be sure they're safe, then that they're with him at the end of the game in London…I love it so much. He cares so deeply for them, even just in the way he says they're eager for the fight with that fond laugh he does, and him growing up to be someone who not only teaches younger biotics, but genuinely seems to care about them too? None of Kaidan's students would ever have to look at him with fear or defend themselves against him or protect each other the way he had to protect Rahna. If anything, I think he'd be the sort of teacher they'd go to when they're worried about something else. I don't know, I just love the full circle element of him not only being able to eventually start to really properly heal from Vyrnnus and what happened by allowing himself to loosen up a bit, but also to become for his students what he needed for himself when he was younger.
It also makes me think it'd be nice if it was possible (because it isn't as far as I know considering the mission expires early) to take Kaidan to Grissom Academy to help Jack and her students. It could be a really interesting thing to see him meet someone else who was painted as a monster for defending themself/others with their biotics, then grew up to own that part of themselves anyway. They're so different, but at the same time, it could be an interesting dynamic considering some of the parallels they have.
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I just want to be there after Kasumi's loyalty mission when everyone is asking her how it went and she's like....
"Shepard touched everything before we even had a sample. I constantly had to remind them that they were about to set off every alarm in the building. They thought a plant would get us Hock's DNA sample. A plant. Are they always like this????"
Come to think of it, a lot of post mission briefings can have a "The Office"-like quality to it. Staring at the camera, wondering if Shepard is for real.
Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate… who to trust. It's just like the more I know, the more confused I get. I believe that's called growing up. I'd like to stop, then. Okay? I know the feeling.
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Mmmm Bad Ending where Lucanis chooses Caterina and being First Talon and his former partner gets revenge by dismantling the Crows
Yes this is about Octavian my vengeful king, look he learns to love again after so many decades of being too scared to fail the people close to him and you betray him by giving that up?? Deserved lbr. And I think Lucanis would agree with that too; Bad Ending is also the Lucanis Rock Bottom Ending.
The true end for him in my setup is that he leaves the Crows: he has a blowup fight with Caterina after months of diplomatically going along with First Talon training even though he has little intention of actually doing the job once she's dead and not acting as First. And it's all because his friendships from VG make him want for more than what Caterina made him to be. And it's the close intimacy and trust and support of Rook/Octavian that gives Lucanis the courage and motivation to seek it out.
Anyway I want him to leave the Crows and for it to be a painstaking and miserable process he regrets for years but ultimately accepts. And in Bad Ending? He never gets away and he ruins the one relationship he had with someone who knew him as more than his profession. He is truly alone.
Thinking abt this again this morning and how dismantling the Crows is both killing the thing that Lucanis loved more (like killing a rival lover) but also an act of devotion that sets Lucanis free. The betrayal isn't that Lucanis chooses his family/job over his partner, it's that he betrays himself by knowing he wants something more than to be First Talon but he goes along with it anyway, still stuck with having his life being determined by Caterina (he's used to it; the Venatori were not the first ones to take away his autonomy).
But when that's taken away from him then suddenly he can rule is own life again, free from that fugue of misguided familial devotion and guilt and self-sabotage. He takes the job of First Talon despite knowing he doesn't want it, Caterina just wants him to want it. He knows how to make Caterina happy then, and he knows her expectations, which he doesn't know for his partner as innately. Intimacy and trust and closeness are all so unfamiliar, and he's so scared of screwing it up that he self-sabotages right into the trap. He goes back to Caterina because that's what he's always done; she is not a comforting person, but she brings a comforting normalcy to his life that he is desperate for. He thinks he will spend his life alone because he devoted himself to a House that keeps getting smaller and smaller, and then makes that true by denying himself the chance to be known by someone else when the opportunity presents itself.
btw it is sexy and cool to uplift and admire people who have skills you wish you had without using their ability as a stick to beat yourself with. even and especially if you are jealous of them.
my most toxic trait is i fucking love work gossip. i play neutral not to be the bigger person or take the high road but to hear slander and hearsay from every side. two coworkers complained about each other to me in the same afternoon and i nearly blacked out from the rush
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My absolute favourite thing about Fenris romance in DA2 is that he walks away from it.
It’s so unusual and unexpected. You don’t think an NPC would have this kind of agency, especially after you did all the right things and pressed all the right buttons and got into their pants. This is where romance storylines tend to end: they boned, and lived happily ever after.
But… no. Hawke does nothing wrong, as far as we know. The sex was, at the very least, ‘fine’. But Fenris doesn’t want to risk another flashback, or just too upset by the first one, or simply feels this is all too much and too soon, as he says. And he leaves. There’s no discussion. He apologises, he knows this will hurt Hawke, but he’s not letting Hawke talk him into anything. He doesn’t even explain all that much, and frankly he doesn’t need to. Of course he’s free to walk away from a relationship he doesn’t want, or isn’t ready to have.
And that’s Hawke! Fenris’ first and, at the time, still only friend. The only person Fenris can count on to have his back if the hunters come for him again. (And this scene happens after A Bitter Pill, so hey they just did) By then Fenris is getting closer to Aveline, Varric and Isabela at least, but he probably knows that if they’re forced to pick a side they’ll choose Hawke. So Fenris risks severing all the connections he’s made in Kirkwall, if Hawke is hurt and offended enough to throw away their friendship.
Fenris really thinks that’s a possibility. He’s relieved and happy when Hawke takes him on a mission again, there’s a banter about that. But he still leaves, even if it’s the hardest thing he’s ever done, because that’s what’s right for him at the time.
That had been one of the parts that impressed me the most in DA2. That NPCs had their own agenda. Fenris leaving Hawke after their night together, Aveline refusing them even if she is not able to be close to Donnic. Isabela leaving with the Tome, even if she comes back later eventually. That was such a rich and impressive thing to me as a gamer.
I still can’t believe the things I read about da2 before playing - the people who were angry at Fenris for leaving, who moved on to other LIs and even chose to sell Fenris to Danarius as some kind of punishment for breaking their precious Hawkes’ hearts.
Fenris taking the time he needs is one of the things that makes this relationship so important to me. I feel like it makes their bond so much stronger for the fact that they can remain friends, that they still care about each other, that Fenris *isn’t* punished for seeing to his own needs before the wants of the player character. It’s such a rare dynamic and it means so much to me I can’t even begin to explain it.
one of the biggest things I can advocate for (in academia, but also just in life) is to build credibility with yourself. It’s easy to fall into the habit of thinking of yourself as someone who does things last minute or who struggles to start tasks. people will tell you that you just need to build different habits, but I know for me at least the idea of ‘habit’ is sort of abstract and dehumanizing. Credibility is more like ‘I’ve done this before, so I know I can do it, and more importantly I trust myself to do it’. you set an assignment goal for the day and you meet it, and then you feel stronger setting one the next day. You establish a relationship with yourself that’s built on confidence and trust. That in turn starts to erode the barrier of insecurity and perfectionism and makes it easier to start and finish tasks. reframing the narrative as a process of building credibility makes it easier to celebrate each step and recognize how strong your relationship with yourself can become
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