Writing Aromantic Characters Starting Guide/Resource List
I hope to cover basics on aromantic identities, as well as how to ship/write aros in relationships in this post.
There’s no cookie-cutter way to write aromantics, because everyone is different, and there are a lot of identities on the aromantic spectrum. I’ll do my best to cover all of them, but that means this will probably be pretty long. I’ll cover tips and definitions for as many identities as I know, as well as advice on writing aromantic people in relationships, whether they’re romantic or tertiary.
As for me, I’m aroflux, so I’ve been a lot of the identities on this list at one point or another, but not all. There will be links to other blogs to do your own research with, and if you’re aro and have things to add/correct, please comment, and also if you have more questions, feel free to ask! This will also include references to blogs that are based around these identities, and preferably ones that rely on community submissions, so you get a feel for multiple ways people in the community think about their aromanticism. If you have recommendations for media representation or posts to link, that would be great as well!
The way this is structured is that the first sentence or more is the definition, and after that is advice. Depending on the identity you choose, you may want to read multiple sections, especially if you’re including tertiary attraction. However, I wouldn’t advise reading all the way through because it gets pretty redundant, because the idea is that you’ll have an identity or two in mind already, or that you read the definitions, decide on the ones you want to use, and then read the whole section. Also if I have the energy, hopefully I’ll update soon on arophobia to avoid in your work. Also, any aromantics who are willing to contribute by giving me permission to add links to their own posts, personal experiences, blogs you recommend, etc to the original post to everyone can see them, thank you! I also have pinned this post to my blog, so if you’re looking at a reblog, you can just go to my blog and look at the fully updated version.
Romance-repulsed aromantics: an aromantic who is disgusted by romantic connections. A romance-repulsed character might only feel disgusted when thinking about themselves in a relationship; others might be grossed out by seeing other people engage in romantic activities as well. Romance-repulsed aromantics won’t be in a relationship, because they find it disgusting. They may be in a tertiary relationship, however. If they are, they might stay away from traditionally romantic things, or explain that they’re not a romantic couple to everyone they meet because they don’t want people to place romantic contexts on them. Im romance-repulsed a fair amount of the time—not as much as demiro or cupio, but enough to feel like I know what I’m doing writing this, although my experience won’t be the same as every repulsed aro, so if you have input, please feel free to share! A blog to check out is @romo-repulsed-aro-culture-is.
Romance-neutral aromantics: an aromantic who doesn’t like romance, but doesn’t dislike it either. They don’t have any strong feelings on it. Romance-neutral is actually the identity I’m the least familiar with, so I’ll give my best advice but it might be advantageous to check out @romance-neutral-aro-culture's blog, as well as others like it, to do some of your own research. Whether or not the person is willing to partake in a romantic relationships depends on how you write their aromanticism. Some aromantics will engage in a romantic relationship if the opportunity is presented to them, but don’t think its important so don’t actively seek one. Others aren’t repulsed by romance, but still aren’t willing to have a relationship. Even if you aren’t going to write them in a relationship, it may be important to figure out their feelings to make them feel more developed, or if they might explain this to their friends at some point. I’m romance-neutral occasionally, but I did a lot of researching on the blog I’ve linked here, but if anything is incorrect/should be added, PLEASE let me know!
Romance-favorable aromantics: an aromantic who might enter a romantic relationship, but wouldn’t initiate one and doesn’t experience romantic attraction. Romance-favorable aromantics might only enjoy some romantic activities, and may have different feelings about pursuing a romantic relationship themselves rather than being pursued by someone else. Romance-favorable aromantics may also need to have a conversation with their partner about how they don’t feel romantic love, but still enjoy their relationship and care deeply for them. @romo-aro-culture-is covers a lot of romantic aro identities, which includes romance-favorable. I’m romance favorable a fair amount of the time, and also have paraphrased things from romance-favourable posts.
Demiromantic: someone who only experiences romantic attraction after a bond has been formed. The level of bonding required varies from individual to individual. Sometimes demiromantics just need to really hit it off in conversation, and sometimes they need to be best friends. You need to decide this before you form your plot, especially if you’re putting them in a relationship. Demiromantic people who need a deep emotional connection who don’t have a lot of close friends might also be surprised when they experience romantic attraction, because they thought they would never feel it. Demiromantic people usually, in my experience, don’t understand how people can go on dates without knowing people first, and don’t get typical tropes like “popular girl and the jock” because why would they be friends? And if they aren’t friends, why are they dating? Depending on their sexual orientation, something might happen where they’re out with friends and see someone cute, and maybe they say so. Their friends might think that they should ask them out, but the character won’t understand why, because they don’t know them, so why should they date? @demiromantic-culture-is answers questions on writing demiromantics.
Grayromantics: someone who experiences romantic attraction so infrequently that their experiences are similar to aromantics. I would suggest checking out the blog grayromantic-culture-is to do some research. Grayromantics can describe crushes as something they only experience a few times, or maybe they feel gross about having crushes. They also might worry that they don’t feel romantic love as strongly, or even that they don’t experience attraction very often, but skip right past the crush stage. It's important to figure out how grayromantic characters feel attraction before you write them. Grayromantic characters might also be confused when they feel romantic attraction, because it’s possible that they will only feel romantic attraction once or twice in their life. @greyromantic-culture-is is a blog centering on grayromantics. My identity usually falls under the grayromantic umbrella, but with other terms I can use, so I usually use those.
Cupioromantic: someone who doesn’t feel romantic attraction, but wants a romantic relationship. Cupioromantic people might ask people out or enjoy romantic activities, but they don’t feel attraction. They may want to have a talk with their partner about how they feel, and how they still enjoy being with them even though they don’t feel romantic attraction. @romo-aro-culture-is and @aro-culture-is are blogs that don’t deal exclusively with cupioromanticism, but they fall under the umbrella and so get asks about it. I’m cupioromantic a fair amount of the time, and am open to asks, and so is @alumort!
Recipromantic: someone who only experiences romantic attraction after someone expresses interest in them. They might initiate things with another person, but only if they are fairly positive the other person has a crush on them. Otherwise, they’ll probably need to be asked out before they feel anything. @recipromantic-culture-is is a good place to start. I’m sometimes recipromantic, but not enough that I feel confident that I can just write this without researching the community first, so this is paraphrased from recipromantic posts.
Aroace/aromantic asexual: an aromantic person who is also asexual. For aroace characters, you need to decide where they are on the aro- and ace- spectrums (repulsed, indifferent, favorable), and then decide how they feel about their own relationships versus how they feel about the relationships of others. A romance-repulsed aroace might be repulsed only by the thought of themselves in a romantic relationship, but be fine with other people’s romantic endeavors. You’ll also need to decide where they are on the asexual spectrum. You might want to consider tertiary attraction they feel as well, or if they’re non-partnering. It can be easy to inaccurately depict an aromantic in a romantic relationship. If your character is romance-repulsed, they probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone at all. A romance-indifferent aromantic doesn’t really feel anything in regards to whether or not they’re involved in romance. So maybe they’re friends with a person, who wants to date, and so they say yes but explain their situation. They might act more like friends are expected to act with their partner. A romance-favorable aromantic doesn’t feel romantic attraction, and thus doesn’t usually desire a romantic relationship, but they do enjoy being in one, so maybe they’ll enjoy participating in romantic acts and showing traditionally romantic affection to their partner, but would have never thought to start a romantic relationship with someone if their partner hadn’t asked them out. @aroacecultureis covers aroaces. I consider myself aroace, although I’m aroflux and aceflux, so my feelings of sexual/romantic attraction change over time. I haven’t read it, but I’ve heard Loveless by Alice Oseman features an aroace main character!
Aroallo: an aromantic who is not asexual. A lot of aroallo folks struggle with being seen as horny people who are apathetic to their partners. Aroallo people may still feel emotions and connect with people. Aroallo people may also have friends, and they also don’t throw themselves at every single person they meet (if that’s who your character is, or its important to the story, fine, buuuuut maybe include another aroallo who isn’t like that, to avoid portraying a one-sided stereotype, as well as fully fleshing out the character in other ways). Aroallo people can also experience tertiary attraction, so an aroallo person can participate in a queerplatonic relationship that includes the sexual component in most romantic relationships but without the romance. You do want to be careful, however, that aroallo characters aren’t just a “token aro” who still behaves like an alloromantic character because their tertiary attraction looks so similar. Aroallo people should seem aromantic. If they are partnered, they might stay away from traditionally romantic things, like calling a partner “babe.” They might also explain their aroallo partnering to people, but maybe not everyone, as that can be a lot to explain. @aroallo-culture-is is an aroallo blog. I’m not aroallo very often, as I’m aroflux and aceflux, so my rare feelings of sexual attraction has to match up with my feelings that aren’t demiro/cupio/another identity under the umbrella. This post is an aroallo person’s list of how they realized they were aroallo.
Aroflux: someone whose romantic attraction varies from different aromantic identities on a regular basis, and some experience romantic attraction the way an alloromantic person would occasionally. You should decide which identities an aroflux people cycles through, and how often. I am typically demiromantic most of the time, romance-favorable or cupioromantic the majority of the time I’m not demiromantic, and rarely I’m alloromantic or romance-repulsed. I am never grayromantic in a way that doesn’t fall under some of the other identities that could be considered grayromantic. How often does their romance level change? Do they try to figure out what they’re feeling everytime, or just leave it? You should also figure out how a romantic relationship would work if a person doesn’t feel romantic attraction all the time, if the character wants a romantic relationship. For me, if I were in a romantic relationship, we would be queerplatonic or alterous when I’m feeling romance-repulsed. Maybe your character feels differently. You should take into account how a character is feeling whenever they’re talking about a crush, future plans that involve relationships, characters they ship, interacting with a partner if they have one, and interacting with romantic couples. @aroflux-culture-is covers aroflux folks; I’m also aroflux and open to asks.
Arospike: an aromantic person who occasionally feels rare and sudden bursts of romantic attraction, for as short as a day, or as long as months, before returning to their normal level of aromanticism. Arospike people in a relationship may choose to only be with someone as long as they’re feeling attraction, or may be in a tertiary partnership that turns romantic when they get their spike. @arospike-culture-is has more details. I’m not arospike, so this is really just a “here are possibilities! now go research what arospikes prefer!” although you should do that anyway, and I am in the process of doing my own research to link stuff to this post so I have a bunch of resources in one place.
Frayromantic: someone who experiences romantic attraction before getting to know someone, but it fades after they form a bond. Frayromantics might date even after losing their attraction, especially if they are also cupioromantic, or their attraction might develop into tertiary attraction instead. @fray-cultureis covers frayromantics and fraysexuals. I’m not frayromantic, but I got this information from a post I’m trying to find again to link to.
Lithromantic: someone who experiences romantic attraction but does not want it reciprocated. They may be uncomfortable with the idea of someone being romantically attracted to them, or may lose their feelings if they learn it’s reciprocated. Lithromantics might try to be in a romantic relationship, but be too uncomfortable and break up with them. Lithromantics may have crushes, but might avoid them in case it is reciprocated. Lithromantic is also known as akoiromantic, so @akoi-culture-is is probably a good place to start research! I’m not lithromantic enough that my word alone should be taken as advice (and you should do more research anyway) and if any lith/akoiromantic folks would like to give me posts to link to, blogs that take questions, etc, that would be great!
Nebularomantic: someone who is unable to tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction, due to neurodivergence. You want to be really careful accurately portraying neurodivergencies. Because a nebularomantic person can’t tell the difference between platonic and romantic attraction, being in a romantic relationship may be difficult, as they may not know whether or not they feel romantic attraction towards that person. A nebularomantic person might not want to date because they don’t know what they’re feeling, and may feel bad they can’t tell their partner if they like them romantically or platonically. They might also date, but with the disclosure that they might feel platonic things for them. @aroace-autie-culture-is includes some nebularomantic asks, as autism is a neurodivergency and nebularomantic is only for neurodivergent folks. I’m not nebularomantic, so it would be incredibly appreciated if a nebularomantic person could offer their own advice or experiences to replace my stitched-together advice from the blog posts I could find.
Platoniromantic: someone who is unable to tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction. A platoniromantic person might not want to date, out of fear that they won’t be romantic enough or they’ll let their partner down by not experiencing romantic attraction the same way. They might date, but tell their partner that they don’t know what kind of attraction they feel towards them, but they do know that they really like them. I’m not platoniromantic, so I got this mostly from tumblr posts, and I currently am looking for blogs that would at least be willing to take questions.
Quoiromantic: someone who does not know their romantic orientation, or does not want to define it. Quoiromantic people may also be unsure what romantic attraction is and thus not feel it can properly define themself, or may be unable to distinguish between romantic attraction and tertiary attraction. Quoiromantic people may just date whoever they want, in whatever way they want, rather than define their attraction. I am quoiromantic sometimes, but not as often as I am other identities, so my word shouldn’t be taken as The Only Truth (and it shouldn’t in any circumstance. This is one person’s experience). They may also choose not to date due to not understanding romance. @quoiromantic-culture-is covers quoiromantics.
Bellusromantic: someone who has an interest in traditionally romantic things, but does not wish to partake in a romantic relationship and does not feel romantic attraction. They may enjoy these activities in non-romantic concepts. Bellusromantic characters might feel tertiary attraction, or do traditionally romantic things with friends instead. I’m not bellusromantic, and so got this from tumblr posts. @orientedaroace-culture-is is bellusromantic and open to questions!
Angled aroace: someone on the aromantic spectrum who experiences romantic and/or sexual attraction, but also feels tertiary attraction. They need to have a romantic and sexual orientation, and also you need to know what tertiary attractions they experience, and how that affects their dating life. You might also want to rank their attraction to what they feel the strongest, and what they feel the most often, as that will help you if the character is ever talking about their attraction. You should also know if they ever have trouble discerning between their attractions, and if so, what they do to figure it out. I typically ask, “what do you want people to assume about you and x” when I’m trying to figure out if it’s romantic, alterous, or queerplatonic. It can also help to figure out what private moments between them will look like, because for me they tend to be slightly different depending on the attraction. It can be really subtle though, so the less experience the character has had with these feelings, the more confused they might be. @official-angledaroace was the only angled aroace-centric blog I could find, and I’m also an angled aroace and open to questions!
Oriented aroace: someone on the aromantic spectrum who experiences tertiary attraction, and usually does not experience romantic or sexual attraction. They may start out confused because they feel strong feelings for people, but they don’t experience it romantically. They also need to have a place on the aro- and ace- spectrums because they are aroace. You also need to decide what kind of tertiary attraction they experience, and if that attraction makes them willing to date people. Oriented aroaces also tend to have an orientation, like bi-oriented aroace. @orientedaroace-culture-is is a good blog.
Queerplatonic attraction/relationships: attraction that is not romantic, but may appear so from the outside. People in queerplatonic relationships may do traditionally romantic things, without there being romantic intent behind them. Queerplatonic relationships look different for everyone. Some people, like alloaros in qprs, are sexual with their partners. Some are sensual instead, which means they may partake in non-sexual acts of intimacy, like cuddling. @queerplatoniccultureis is a blog centered on queerplatonic attraction, and I’m also open to questions about it! Although I haven’t read it, I’ve heard that the book Loveless by Alice Oseman has the main character in a qpr!
Alterous attraction: attraction that is between romantic and platonic or completely outside of it. For instance, my alterous attraction is somewhere mostly platonic, and as strong as queerplatonic attraction, but they feel slightly different, and I experience slight sexual attraction as well. I won’t do anything past kissing someone I’m alterously attracted to though. You should decide the way your character’s attraction feels (is it outside or between platonic/romantic attraction? A mixture of both?) and also how they’ll act on their attraction. Maybe they don’t. Maybe they become friends with benefits. Maybe they ask their crush on a date. Any option available to people feeling romantic attraction, basically. @alterous-attraction-culture-is is a blog to research, and I’m also open to questions.
Aesthetic attraction: appreciation of someone’s physical features, the same that one would appreciate a pretty landscape. I experience aesthetic attraction, and it’s basically just thinking someone’s pretty, for me. It’s more of an appreciation of beauty than anything. If you’re an artist, then it’s like going, “their face would be fun to draw/would make a pretty painting/would make for a good anatomical study” etc. People who experience aesthetic attraction sometimes also describe sensual attraction as a result of this. Your character might only date people who they’re aesthetically attracted to, even though that kind of attraction-based-on-looks is often reserved for characters who experience sexual attraction. Unfortunately I can’t find any purely aesthetic attraction based blogs, but @tertiary-attraction-culture-is covers all forms of tertiary attraction. Also, as a nearly-unrelated side note, my aesthetic attraction messed with me realizing I was demisexual, because I experience aesthetic attraction first, and then sexual when I get to know them.
Tertiary attraction: attraction that isn’t romantic or sexual, like aesthetic attraction, queerplatonic attraction, or alterous attraction. @tertiary-attraction-culture-is covers this. I’ve heard that Loveless by Alice Oseman has a main character who experiences queerplatonic attraction.
Loveless: a person who does not identify with society’s concept of love, or does not believe in or has a disconnect from love due to trauma, feels as though love does not accurately describe their experiences, or doubt that they feel love. Loveless aromantics may sometimes describe what might look like love as compassion, mutual respect, enjoyment, or other emotions rather than love. Loveless aros might feel other forms of attraction, but not consider them to be love, and partner that way; but they also might reject any form of partnership alltogether. @loveless-aro-culture-is might help you research loveless aros. I’m not a loveless aromantic; I got this information from loveless aromantic blogs.
Lovequeer: someone who rejects the concept of love as society applies it to romance and redefines it around themselves and the types of love neglected by amatonormativity. They may feel tertiary attraction, or the types of love they shape their definition around might include platonic or familial love. For this, you’ll definitely want to figure out how exactly your character defines love, the types of attraction they do/don’t feel, how that shows up in their life, and maybe why they think that way. I’m not lovequeer, and I got all of this information off of tumblr posts, so you should definitely do your own research.
General Arophobia
Sometimes alloromantic people can see aromantic as low-empathy or lacking love, and while that can be the case, it isn’t always the case, and it’s important that both are represented. We can also be seen as childish or immature, like being aromantic is something to grow out of, which isn’t the case. Lack of knowledge about aromantic identities can lead to us having to explain ourselves all the time, and this can get pretty exhausting. This can be a factor in whether or not your character might come out—are they willing to deal with that? Aro people might also get asked uncomfortable questions by people about their lack of romance, or if they don’t feel romantic attraction, but do feel sexual. The biggest stereotype I can think of is the Heartless Aromantic, who cares for no one, and has no empathy or morals. This can also lead to villains being coded as aromantic, which is also a problem when there are no aro protagonists. While there are aplatonic, loveless, low-empathy aromantics, not all aromantics are that way, and if you do choose to write an aro character as such, it needs to be done with care and respect for the identities you’re portraying.
This post talks about telling aromantics things like “you just need to meet the one.”
This post talks about being a good ally for aro folks
This post talks about dismantling amatanormativity, which is also helpful if you’re trying to write a world without amatanormativity.
This post by @chaotic-carnifex talks about how it can be alienating to be aromantic.
This post talks about coming to terms with being aromantic, especially with not feeling romantic attraction.
