*QPR's your ship*

I fell asleep in my friends' arms. It was eleven at night, we were tired, curled up in a small pile on my tiny bed. I had my head buried in my roommate's side, and one of my closest friend's hand on my shoulder, steadying me. It was quiet and nothingness and peace and their heartbeats in my ears, my hands in their hair.

"there is no platonic explanation for this--"

We pack four people to that little bed, you know. Laps used as footrests, collarbones as pillows, little lights like moonlight in rustic yellow bathed on their faces. The TV plays an anime. The words are repeated by my dear friend on my shoulder, curled close. My legs are asleep; my roommate may be, too.

"there is no platonic explanation for this--"

The cat curls on top of our criss cross mess of legs and arms and heads on chests to absorb the warmth of us all. She purrs in contented peace. When my roommate and I are left alone in the quiet, she cries, and watches the door for our friends' return.

"there is no platonic explanation for this--"

I will never kiss them but the top of their heads. I will never touch but the warmth of their arms. I will never take more than what's freely given, and in return I put my glasses on the bedside table fashioned from a guitar amp, and when I lean into their sides, I pick up my vulnerability and place it in their capable, tender hands.

"there is no platonic explanation for this--"

I sing for them. I cry for them. I work and I run and I withstand the worst of the world for them, because some days I get to cradle their forehead on my shoulder and some days I get to see their shining eyes.

"there is no platonic explanation for this--"

Maybe to you. But look beyond explanation. I love them. With my heart in my unsteady hands, with my nose pressed to the side of their head, with the buzzing in my feet and the warmth all around Iike the sunset pushing into the window.

"there is no platonic explanation for this--"

Is it enough to say I love them? With no strings attached? With reckless abandon and utter devotion and freedom and kindness and fear?

"there is no platonic explanation for this--"

I have flipped back and forth between thinking we are the intended audience of the actual game show "The Amazing Digital Circus" and while I do think we are a sort of 'secondary' audience, I've realized that we can't be. And it all stems around a strange interaction with Caine in the Pilot... let me explain. Remember the SUPER WEIRD scene where the cast tells Caine that Kaufmo abstracted and he says "Kaufmo Abstracted?! Why didn't anyone tell me?!"

I kept wondering what this could mean because it was super confusing to the cast and super confusing to us and I think I figured it out.

Caine already knew, and the over-the-top joke response isn't for the cast, it's for the REAL audience of the game show. And THAT audience already knew that Caine knew, and this is just a laugh track moment for them.

Caine is playing up this moment for THEM because it has comedic timing. But because we only know what the CAST knows, it means we also didn't realize that Caine already knew. And Caine allowed Kaufmo to run rampant because it makes for a good show. It's interesting to watch. Whether or not the audience and Caine knows MORE than WE do (since we actually ONLY follow the cast)... I think that could be debated... but i'm starting to think that this audience DID know about Kaufmo's abstraction before.

And just like a horror movie when a victim is about to walk into the room of a killer, it probably created a lot of suspense for that audience to see Pomni, Ragatha, and Jax about to open Kaufmo's door. They were probably screaming "DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!!! KAUFMO IS IN THERE!!!"

And if that's true, then that means Caine knows WAY more about what's going on than he's led us to believe. And the only reason why we don't know as much as he does is because we follow the cast at ALL times. We ONLY know what the cast knows. So maybe Caine DOES know about the mannequin running around the circus, and is letting it run around because it makes for good TV. It's INTERESTING and it will cause DRAMA at some point. (You can literally see that the eyes can see the mannequin in this image)

We've all assumed that Caine's "all-seeing eyes" are just dumb gimmicks because Caine seems to just miss EVERYTHING that's happening. But i'm coming to believe that it's just a front... that the all-seeing eyes DO see everything. But Caine doesn't let the crew know... just like the horror movie doesn't have a narrator say "hey just so you know there's a killer in that room" to the victim.

EVELYN'S HUMAN RECIPIES!

౨ৎ⋆˚｡🍜🥢★ ౨ৎ

This is one of the contribution I made for the @toh-cookbook-zine

My AO3 post of my contributions to the zine! [LINK] The zine entire collection on AO3 can be found here: [LINK]

“'Because there’s that part of your brain that goes, like, who’s to say it can never happen, right? What if that person made me nervous because I like them, what if liking romcoms makes me—sorry, what if it means I want that for myself. Or … or what if I’m an extremely late bloomer? It’s so hard to prove a lack of something much harder than to prove something exists.

"'So those thoughts might never go away. They haven’t for me, and I’ve identified as aroace for almost five years. But you know yourself. And you know the way you feel. So … let those thoughts run their course. They’re not real unless you make them real, but they’ll happen, and you just need to accept that they’ll be a part of you, but they don’t define you.'”

For a long time I restrained myself from holding hands with my friends or laying in their lap because I thought they were too romantic for our relationship. Even though physical affection is the strongest way I show I care, I purposely withheld that and withdrew from my friends because I was worried about being read as romantic when they knew I wasn't.

And that sucks.