I'll put you through that fuckin wall

ANTMFunny: Adam, I have to admit, I was genuinely surprised when you reached out to me. Thanks for agreeing to speak to me.   Adam Smith: Of course, man, I enjoy your blog. I’m cool with getting roasted every now and then.   ANTMFunny: You do realize I made fun of you more than anyone else this season, are you sure you didn’t your head too hard in that botched flip?   Adam: Haha, I kind of made myself an easy target for everyone.   ANTMFunny: I think you doing this interview proves you have a good sense of humor about the experience. Is it fair to say you were having a better time out there than any other contestant this season?   Adam: Yeah, that’s definitely fair to say. In general, I have a better time than most people at anything. Applying to the show was kind of halfway a joke, and then when I got several rounds into the process, I was like, damn, I might actually get this. It was just so ridiculous that I made it onto the show that there was no way I could turn it down.   ANTMFunny: A lot of fellow contestants complained that you weren’t taking the experience “seriously enough,” but looking back, with silly string runways and Spyder Byte fragrance ads, you were probably taking the show as seriously as it takes itself.   Adam: I didn’t know how to model at all, so my strategy was to play to my strength, which was to be entertaining for the cameras. I’ll act like I’m on Jersey Shore and be the party dude and see how long they keep me.   ANTMFunny: And it worked. I think that’s a good strategy for the show. As long as you don’t mind not winning, just be entertaining. The show does a good job keeping the entertaining people over the “good models.” And I’m okay with that. I don’t really give a shit about the modeling. It’s a part of the show, but it’s also an excuse to have a show. Adam: It is a reality show loosely based around a modeling competition. You can’t take it too far, though. If the judges or Tyra or the producers thought I was literally making a mockery of the show, they would have gotten rid of me quick. I rode the line and they were like “that’s just his personality.” And it’s not like it was totally a joke. I did quit grad school to come do it. I tried to take the photo shoots seriously. Yeah, I had fun with it, but I’m not completely fucking around either.   ANTMFunny: That’s the attitude I’d expect from a “top 1% partier”. Where did that statistic come from?   Adam: I actually had outlined proof of how I was in the top 1% of partiers that I gave to the judges at panel during casting week. I was upset that was cut out.   ANTMFunny: Like a powerpoint?   Adam: [starts to explain his presentation]… Never mind, I realize how douchey it was, let’s skip that. The first couple episodes they edited me to be such an asshole and douchebag. It was hilarious how I was portrayed at first. It’s not like I could be mad about it – I presented myself like that.   ANTMFunny: We saw an evolution from you. I got so many messages saying they hated you and then were like “gulp, I think I like Adam” weeks later.   Adam: I really was entertained by all the hate I was getting at the beginning, but I’m glad people came around on me by the end. It probably wouldn’t have been fun to go down as the most hated contestant in ANTM history.   ANTMFunny: As far as we could tell, no one in the house was mocking Denzel’s beard weave. People were totally laughing at him all the time though, right?   Adam: At the very beginning, everyone was kind of trying to be nice. After it was there for a couple of days, we were making fun of him. I thought eventually they would let it slide since it looked so absurd, but they made him keep it on for every single photo shoot.   ANTMFunny: How would you have handled a beard weave makeover?   Adam: Denzel handled it very maturely. I feel like I would have gotten more pissed off to be honest. His portfolio is unusable. I mean, I don’t know if he was going to use any of those photos from the show in the first place, but now he definitely can’t with a beard weave on his face.   ANTMFunny: Do you have a favorite GIF of yourself on the internet?   Adam: I just see the ones on your blog mostly.  Maybe the front flip? I was pretty upset about that. I was trying to teach Keith how to backflip and was nailing my backflips. Then it picks up with Keith asking, “Can you do a front flip?”  

ANTMFunny: I had a theory that Keith was trying to sabotage you ‘cause he was the first person to say, “You’re not going to burn your script!” Was he trying to egg you on constantly?   Adam: Yeah, maybe Keith was smarter than he came across. He was the one to say to burn the script. And I actually did!   ANTMFunny: You literally burned the script and they didn’t show it?   Adam: I don’t know why they didn’t show it. I did like the scene out of Good Will Hunting and said, “You know how fucking easy this is for me?” and then threw the burnt script into the bathtub. Keith was the one to say “Would you burn it?” and I said, “I’d burn it!”

ANTMFunny: Speaking of Keith, did you get to see or touch the Manaconda?   Adam: I never actually saw Keith’s dick, that’s a negative. I’d probably say he’s not making it up. The very first panel when [Tyra] gave Keith the Manaconda nickname, that lasted like way longer than made it look. They called Keith up, they talked about the dick for three minutes – an uncomfortable amount of time, and then they were like, okay here’s your best photo.   ANTMFunny: What could they possibly have to say about a dick they’ve never seen for three minutes?!   Adam: I mean, they obviously couldn’t air all of it, but I wish you could have seen… it was just an unnecessarily long conversation about Keith’s dick.   ANTMFunny: It’s not just the conversation that’s unnecessarily long. Maybe the real question is did Chantelle get to see or touch the Manaconda?   Adam: Oh man. I want to take Keith’s side, that’s my boy, but that’s another thing that we’ll never truly know. I don’t know whose side to take.   ANTMFunny: Are you still in touch with Chantelle?   Adam: I haven’t texted her in a while, but we’re on good terms for sure. I was kind of the only person in the house who didn’t have a serious issue with Chantelle. Did you see she just got in an Eminem music video?   ANTMFunny: I did.   Adam: She’s not just in it, she’s like the main girl. If people don’t know Sia, they probably think Chantelle’s Sia… You know those stupid onesie outfits that Miss J brought? I traded mine to Chantelle. The deal was that any time I needed a beer for the remaining time in the competition, I would yell at her, “Chantelle, beer!” and she would have to produce a beer in my hand within one minute.   ANTMFunny: She wasn’t allowed to drink herself, right?

Adam: Yeah, none of the girls under 21 could drink, they said that even having a sip would get them disqualified.   ANTMFunny: Even though Chantelle could probably drink in Canada?   Adam: Yeah, I don’t know the drinking age there. In Korea, everyone could drink though.   ANTMFunny: So were the young people getting drunk there?   Adam: Yeah, we got Lenox drunk for the first time she’s ever been drunk. I don’t think they even showed this, but they wanted to have a scene where it looked like we were clubbing in Korea, but obviously we couldn’t actually do that. They rented out a nightclub for us. All of production was there to kind of try to fill up the club and they put some terrible music on. But they did give us an open bar for 30 minutes!   ANTMFunny: Well that’s not going to discourage binge drinking!   Adam: Haha, yeah, so we got Lenox drunk then. I actually did a beer on the head, too. [ANTMFunny: Adam spoke pretty passionately about his blog BeerontheHead.com. He even gifted a BeerontheHead.com t-shirt to Miss J. If you’re as passionate about people pouring beer on their heads as Adam is, check it out.] The whole scene probably looked too stupid for them to use any of the footage.   ANTMFunny: Let’s talk about the drinking intervention. If Tyra really had been going in for a kiss [as opposed to sniffing your boozy breath], would you have tried to slip some tongue in there?   Adam: I really wish I would have just gone for it! They would have aired that, right? [ANTMFunny: It probably would also confirm even quicker that he was, in fact, drunk.] Let me explain that situation. Yeah, we were drinking that day. It was Raelia’s birthday the night before and we had all got trashed, so I had a couple beers trying to get rid of the hangover. Raelia also had champagne from room service for winning the challenge that week, but we stopped drinking about an hour before panel.   ANTMFunny: And Tyra could smell that?   Adam: I don’t doubt that Tyra could have smelled alcohol on my breath, but then the producers pulled me aside and they’re like, “Adam, we partied in college, but we’ve never seen someone drink so much and have their shit together.” And I was like, “Okay? Is there a problem? Up until now, this has not been a problem. If anything, you’ve been encouraging it. I’m doing exactly what you cast me for.” I was a little confused. They were like, “If you could just tone it down a few notches for the rest of the competition,” and I was like, “All right, I’ll tone it down.” At that point, they actually did start limiting the amount of alcohol we could have in the house.   ANTMFunny: It also seemed like you had a lot of drunk confessionals late at night.   Adam: We had to do five minutes of confessional every night. I was the last person to go to sleep every single night, and I would wait until everyone had already done their confessional, and I would do pretty lengthy ones. I swear to god, I did every single confessional drunk. I think I dropped some good knowledge on them – I wish I could see them.   ANTMFunny: That’s how we got that thong lesson in the recap episode. Do we even want to know what stuff they censored out?   Adam: I think I said something to the effect of you want to have a nice half chub going on the runway.   ANTMFunny: Okay… Tell me about the fraternity quiz that’s all about you.   Adam: One of the categories is the Adam Smith category. The correct answer to every question is “Adam Smith,” but a lot of the time the pledges are too dumb slash drunk to pick up on that fact. We actually just lost our charter and that’s kind of a sore subject [ANTMFunny: it looks like the hazing gets a little more intense than an Adam Smith quiz], but up until very recently, they’ve done that quiz.   ANTMFunny: I was going to ask you to ask me the trivia questions to see how I’d do, but you already told me all the answers! And I’m not drunk enough – or at all - to get the answers wrong right now. Maybe it was a mistake not to do this interview drunk, though.

Will I get drunk for the next part of the interview? Tune in later for part two with Adam where he discusses potential showmances, his feelings on Franco Lacosta, and that incident with Romeo. Also find out which unlikely contestant once shouted, “I’ve sucked a penis before and I’ll suck it again!” 

1. Adam’s Drinking Superstition

You guys, stop spreading rumors. Adam does not have a drinking problem! He, like any of us, just likes to drink while he’s packing…

And drink throughout a twelve hour flight…

And drink after losing at a dancing challenge…

And drink before a photo shoot…

And drink alone while his friends are sleeping in the same room…

And then drunkenly kiss a poster of himself good night…

Okay, that part is pretty weird, maybe he does have a problem. 

The show may have eased up on the drunk Adam footage recently to demonstrate a softer side, but this week’s episode was a pretty good reminder that he’s basically drunk all of the time. 

A drinking problem in itself isn’t funny, but even the best people amongst have to admit that they laughed at him dismissing water during his hangover. 

Far be it from me to contradict someone who’s clearly an expert at hangovers at this point, but his “solution” of drinking more beers in the morning sounds like he’s covering up his headache by getting drunk all over again.  

Shei may be the one saying she’s excited to be in Seoul to “see [her] people,” but they’re Adam’s people, really - alcoholism in South Korea is rampant. In that sense, South Korea might be the worst place to bring someone like Adam. While Keith explains that he tells Adam he has a drinking problem “all the time,” Adam is busy muttering something about sake. 

Ask Adam, though, and it’s not a “problem,” it’s a “superstition.” Adam’s a mathematician, so you have to trust him on his “If the equation works, do it [chugs beer]” logic. You see, he drank heavily at the beginning of the competition, so now he’s gotta keep doing it or he might get eliminated!

Or he might get eliminated because of it, especially once Tyra gets a whiff of his drinking. A literal whiff as it turns out. Actually, I think the Tyra-vention was planned, mainly due to her unconvincing “epiphany” face. As if it only finally dawned on her that the guy who calls himself one of the country’s top partiers might be a heavy drinker. 

I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ll hear of Tyra’s concern because you know how she loves to interject herself into someone’s personal struggles. For now, however, Tyra lets Adam go with a warning that she has her eyes and nose on him. And if things get really bad, she’ll put her massive forehead on the case, too!

but 10% of it is genuinely bad stuff like that video interview where he's like "I got in trouble for non-consentually showing people my dick on set and i still don't understand why that's not funny"

Laminar Flow occurs when all the water is moving in the exact same direction, eliminating turbulence, and thus, creating a flow of water that looks like glass.

I can remember so many cartoons where grandmas would be like "here's a sweater i made for you" and the kid would treat it like the worst fucking curse