I’ll take “Things That Would Spectacularly Derail The Plot If Certain People Met By Accident” for 1200, Alex.
Luke and Han on their way to the detention level and they’re sharing a lift with Tarkin, who recognizes the armor Luke’s wearing and orders Han and his Wookiee prisoner out on the tractor beam floor so he can fuck “TK-421” in the lift.
Luke getting discovered to be what Tarkin assumes is another random stormtrooper wearing TK-421’s armor for what Tarkin assumes to be illegal-activity reasons, and Luke has to deal with an angry high-brass officer who’s accusing him of stealing his favorite fuckboy’s identity for drug-smuggling or the like.
Luke giving Tarkin his real name, like a moron, but Holy Shit That’s A Grand Moff! and Tarkin hearing “Skywalker” and switching gears fast enough to jam something because “Oh shit I can’t treat this one as a substitute fuck, Vader will polish his boots with my liver.”
Tarkin hitting a new destination button and Luke barely has time to get over going from being menacingly threatened to menacingly flirted with before the lift doors open and there’s Darth Vader and he legit thinks Tarkin’s going to propose a threesome before Tarkin announces that he’s found this guy “impersonating a stormtrooper and he introduced himself as Luke Skywalker” and Vader’s attention is ALL THE WAY ON HIM and what is going on here?
Meanwhile Han and Chewie have run back into Obi-Wan who’s all “what do you mean you lost Luke to a Grand Moff who looks like a cadaver, oh banthafucking SHIT” and hightails it to the nearest lift to get to where Vader is.
Han and Chewie rescue Leia, Leia steals herself a uniform and ID/keycard from one of the dead detention center guards, it fits like absolute shit and will fool absolutely no one but she’s going to find Obi-Wan and shoot Tarkin in the fucking face and the walking carpet and the smartass pilot can figure out between themselves how to keep up.
The most surreal five minutes of Luke’s life, breaking the record set by the last five minutes, has just barely gotten to the “I am your father” stage when Obi-Wan crashes the party.
“Ben, why is the guy who killed my father saying he IS my father?”
“Obi-Wan, you told my son WHAT?!”
“How the kriff am I your son? Were you married to Anakin before you killed him?”
Obi-Wan has to choke on that one, and Vader’s response is interrupted by Leia, who walks in, shoots Tarkin in the fucking face, and throws herself into Obi-Wan’s arms and starts yelling at him about how long it’s been since she’s seen him and why is he picking fights with dangerous Imperials without her and why did he delegate her rescue to a … “that,” waving a hand at Han, who shares a what-the-fuck-is-going-on-here look with Vader and says “hey don’t blame ME, I’m only here because that guy wanted to fuck Luke in the turbolift.”