"we're all floating in space on the edge of death"

on collision with your opposite can lead to such devastation. or two of the same just result in no difference.

it can matter as much as an unbalanced equation of the chemistry of living organism or as insignificant as the vast amount of space empty with a void only minutely occupied by such vast masses we observe.

the wind you feel can feel as soothing or as traumatizing as a butterfly's wings with the dangerous possibility of the wind carrying the wing's flap into a grander scale of possibility.

i am so worried about something i thought i had control of and desperately needed control of to make sure something doesnt happen. and in that i lost my rage, the anger that fueled me to be the better version of me. what i thought was peace was becoming my addiction. it became what i depended on. not because it brought me pleasure, but peace.

trying to let go and randomly typing this should help me in discovering what priority takes in my life. i always thought it would be alone until thr change happened. then through ripples in the timeline, changed course from what i was projecting to be my reality.

from walking across a concrete bridge to being hit with harsh winds, freezing winters, and constant travel of heavy burdens, the bridge that once seemed indestructible from an asteroid seems like any crack it has now can rupture all of it.

it seemed i was walking back and forth crossing the depths i was afraid of but in my travels, discovered the fog never cleared up. what i thought was the end was only another column that in itself had enough land to be considered the end point. ive been traveling back and forth on this bridge that i realized it goes on. the end is not in sight.

rather than be afraid of the unknown depths, the fear is staying in what im discovering to be one of the many small isoalted lands. after solace int this time, i can see the next island which this bridge connects to. but vaugely can i see what it holds. it's so far.

with risk, comes an avalanche of uncertain. an endless amount of cracks from an impact to a slate. should i remain on this bridge, i could fall into an endless pit. should i stay on the island, i might not be able to move forward or even come back to my beginnings. the beginning that has given me such strong base as a man.

what i had to do to get to this point was guidance of others. specifically those i felt were genuine. and as time passed by, felt the prescence was full of hate. a hate that was being harbored from days on end. to know how many days is to reach a black hole. the desire of attaining something that will engulf you in an emotion i could not comprehend until within my touch.

the reason i had to walk and try is slipping my hands. but as a broken glass, maybe i should just set it aside. burn it in flames until it can molded into something else. carrying seems to hurt. i refused change and yet others were quicker to it.

maybe thats why i stay on this island. what i thought was my end is my plateau. to harbor anger from humanity once again to allow me to build my equipment to travel on again without the worry of the past will take all of me.

i might not be able to allow others on my journey, but maybe they can use my camp ive left behind. a place to stop by and read my adventure. joining this trip would allow me to fall in peace again. i do not want to feel vulnerable.

i see the picture of what i once was. i smile as i might encounter such person on this bridge. when the light shines through this fog, i can see the next island. but most of the times it is too dark to see. left alone for so long has allowed me to see what i think are ghosts. demons. creatures too familiar to believe they are real. if i come across myself, i can only be strong to complete my travel for the innocence i once knew. the innocence i still hold on to for my younger self.

maybe i can help others. lead them to their dreams. that which i am beginning to understand wont be for me. complacent i have been, yes. joyful in the small items of life i have received. but to have my dreams are too distant to even desire. seeing other's rejoice in their accomplishments seems to give me more light than my own greed. i admit that much.

maybe on this new journey, i can leave behind desires. the weight has given my knees pain from which is not reversible. i take a point to say im selfish and greedy. maybe i am or maybe not. but i keep to hopefully be a better human.

in a couple of years, i will be ok or not. i look at right now and can only feel as a piece of leaf that got stuck in a ditch get washed by passing moments but unable to escape the mud that i happened to float on. if i could describe it better, i would. but when you leave the comfort ofvsomething whether because it was the right time or due to harsh conditions, the reality is that you fall.

i dont know what to feel but what bothers me is the inability to keep things the same. my desire would be for things to be the same. i dont desire things as my actions could show. but most of it depends pn factors i cannot control. and once they give me sight of a different picture, i cant force myself to push through it. could be the past that doesnt let me evolve but also, energy invested into a variable that can or cant give back is too much risk.

i just wish to be in a dark place and be left alone. with no worries, no responsibilities, and nothing keeping me stringed along. TTS is helping me reflect on it and i do appreciate what life has from ranging out deep in darkness to concrete rocks from the earth's center.

i just have to let go from my part as i can only see how this affects me in the sense of me wanting consistency. broken bridges can be fixed or replaced but glass containers need to be forged anew. picking them up to bring back the shape can just leave scars on top of compromised structural integrity.

maybe it's too vauge so if you read this, i hope you can find a coin to balance the scale on which you might be on.