Processing My Experience

The worst part of my stalking experience personally wasn't the fear, though that has rewired me forever. It’s knowing they still have a version of me. One they keep alive in their head, polished, twisted, to be used as fuel for whatever story they need to tell themselves.

I can block them everywhere. I can move on. I can build a life they have no part in.

But somewhere, they are still carrying me. Feeding me lines. Rewriting my voice. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to stop them.

I'm so tired of being nice and pretending to be fine while knowing I can never truly escape her. I can never go back to posting my work, I can never go somewhere without being on alert, I can't go do extracurriculars I love because she's there, I can't talk or post my life because she will see it. I CAN'T LIVE NORMALLY ANYMORE BECAUSE OF HER. People say "just ignore it" MFER I CAN'T. SHE MAKES DAMN SURE OF IT. I'm so fucking tired of everyone pretending it is just drama when she's literally threatening lives out here. HOW AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED?!?!?! I'm honestly probably gonna need therapy from what this experience has done to me psychologically, and I'm sure that knowledge would give her intense satisfaction. YK WHAT YOU WON, HOPE YOUR HAPPY ASSHOLE. I WILL NEVER EVER EVER TRUST A FRIEND AGAIN. I WILL NEVER GO IN PUBLIC WITHOUT FEAR. I CANT BE IN CROWDS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF MY ANXIETY.

GREAT WORK, YA BROKE ME, HOPE ITS ALL YOU EVER DREAMED OF.

A part of being stalked and harassed nobody mentions is that nobody will fully believe you when your stalker or attacker looks normal. When they look non-threatening many will assume they are. "A girl can't be a stalker, what's she gonna do really? She looks so nice, don't ruin her future with police." Mentality. It doesn't matter that I'm a girl as well or that she's done it to herself because she knew she would get away with it. She's perfectly normal looking with good grades, she would never.

The adults around me have largely failed to protect me. Many minimize it as “just a friendship breakup” because she looks completely normal and put-together on the outside. They ignore her threats as angst and her writing as a rough patch. This contrast between how she appears and how she actually behaves has been one of the most disorienting parts.

To them it doesn't click, they weren't the ones receiving threats or having someone fantasize about their death so it doesn't have weight.

They didn't open their laptop at midnight to see this line staring back

" I need her gone

I need her dead"

or this one

"We gather now to mourn a loss

The death of which was no great cost

So indeed, here we stand

To mourn the loss now of a friend"

or

"You should be happy

That I care more

Because if I didn't

I'd knock at your door

With a shining metal

Slick in hand"

or

"Bringing metal past teeth

I'd blow my brains out

On your steps

If, of course

I cared less"

or

"I can pretend

That my respect

For your "boundaries"

Is keeping me alive

For now, I'll pretend,

With this story in my mind

Of how I'm saving you

By choosing not to die"

or

"I'm begging you to answer

As I'm growing bolder"

or

"I wish to do more

Something rather drastic

Something at your door"

or

"I should simply die

Which I've dreamed of more

Than our splitting paths

Or me knocking at your door"

or

"I pried your jaws open

Fed you text through a syringe

I stuffed you till you overflowed

Lips spasming to constringe"

or

"I am a thinker

With you on my mind"

or

"you should run

While there's still

Time

Before I ruin everything

Before this love ferments"

or

"I can find you everywhere

When I catch a glimpse

Of red hair

Or similar glasses

At the store"

No, This wasn't your life, so what's it matter to you?

I must be dramatic, nobody would do that.

And these are just tiny exerts of what she posted publicly, + God knows what's private. So thank you so much responsible adults. I appreciate you, glad this reminds you of yourself with your college boyfriend. So happy you wanna help her publish her writings about me.

I’ve done everything I can to protect myself, creating new safe spaces, warning my people, documenting everything while still trying to live my life. But the fear, retroactive horror, and constant “what if” thoughts are exhausting.

I believe my stalker sees herself as Coriolanus Snow and me as Lucy Gray.

She titled something she wrote pertaining to me A Moth To A Flame, which is a line from The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes that Dean Highbottom says to Snow about the self destructive nature of humanity, and later while rereading the book I discovered the line and everything about her mindset and motivations finally clicked for me.

In The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, Snow becomes obsessed with Lucy Gray, the wild, free, talented girl who refuses to be controlled. When she “betrays” him by trying to escape, his love twists into something possessive and destructive. He can’t have her, so he spends the rest of his life haunted by her, never fully letting her go.

That’s exactly how she has behaved.

She was fine when I was close and loyal. When I set boundaries and left, she spiraled. Instead of accepting it, she started writing poems and fanfic where she’s the wronged, clever manipulator and I’m the one who abandoned her. The “if love won’t keep you here, hate will” line from her fanfic is basically her entire mindset.

She keeps a version of me in her head that she can punish, mourn, and obsess over. She shows up where I am. She monitors my life. She writes about me constantly. Even in silence, I know she’s still carrying me around, rewriting the story so she’s never the one at fault.

It explains why she can’t stop. In her narrative, I’m Lucy Gray, the one who got away. And Snow never stops thinking about Lucy Gray.

I’m not saying she’s consciously thinking “I’m Snow” every day. But the parallels are too strong to ignore: the obsession with control, the romanticizing of toxicity, the inability to let the “betrayer” disappear peacefully.

I've been getting aggressively stalked and threatened since ending a friendship (literally bc of boundary pushing btw) for six months now. I want to clarify that I am 100% straight and she always said she was as well so this is NOT some breakup situation (Although her behavior would be insane even if it was). While we were friends she broke into my hotel room, tried to sleep in my bed or to get me to share with her constantly, took my things, and just always required me to be right there 24/7 even after being told that I was busy or unavailable (that would just make her mad and she would go on about how I must hate her.) I ended the friendship six months ago when she insulted my religious values and my intelligence because I refused to watch a web cartoon that was blatantly against them. Since then I've dealt with emails, threats, public slandering, her showing up places she knows I'm at, her contacting my loved ones, and even watching and copying my spotify playlists through new accounts as I blocked each one. She's threatened to end her life, end her life at my house so I have to "clean up her corpse", my life, written multiple violent fanfictions she publicly posted, as well as written me over 40 poems (they range from apologetic to romantic to graphically violent), that she has both posted and emailed me since she is blocked everywhere else. I've accepted that there is nothing more I can do to stop it and have come here to process and hopefully heal.