As your doctor I'm prescribing you a high fluid intake, so have some water. And some juice for the vitamins. And some herbal tea to help you relax. Don't forget to take these pills, ignore that warning about "diuretic side effects". Make sure to take them with some water! You've got to stay hydrated after all. What someone in your condition needs is plenty of rest, so you'd better not move from that bed.
Hm? You need to what? That's not possible, you haven't had nearly the maximum liquid intake for a healthy adult bladder. Trust me, I'm a professional, I know what I'm talking about. The only way you could need to relive yourself already is if your bladder was somehow abnormally puny and weak and underdeveloped. After all, you went to the bathroom five hours ago. That's not long, is it? Just lie down and relax. There's no way you're getting up anyway. I won't allow it. That would be completely medically irresponsible, letting you walk all the way to the bathroom in the state you're in.
If it really turns into an emergency I suppose we could get you some kind of container. But you can hold it a bit longer, right? Of course you can. Have some more pills. Let me pour you some water to take them with. There we go. You'll feel better in no time.
That's odd, for some reason you can't seem to keep still. Or quiet. You keep making all these distressed little whimpering and groaning noises. Increased colour in the face...excessive perspiration...heavy breathing...that's definitely unusual. Is something wrong? I told you, you don't need to empty your bladder yet, that's impossible, stop talking nonsense. Your stomach hurts? Here, let me examine it.
I'll just apply a some pressure...I can only help you if you stay completely still and stop wriggling. There we go. It hurts when I touch it? That can't be right. Let me push a bit harder...your stomach seems fine, just a normal healthy amount of swelling from proper hydration. There's no reason why it would hurt. I think you must be delirious, imagining things. Maybe you're feverish...look at all that sweat. Of course the solution to that is bed rest and plenty of fluids. Let me get you some more water.
What? You can't drink any more or you'll pee yourself? Don't be silly. Any medical professional could tell you that the average bladder capacity is far higher than that. You've got so much more room! We can just keep filling you up for hours yet...Here's a nice big jug of cold water, I'll pour out a glass for you. Don't just sip it, gulp it all down. Every last drop. There. You're such a good, obedient patient.
Oh, and I'll need you to give me a urine sample. Don't get too excited, I just need you to fill this tiny cup. I'll keep an eye on you to make sure you don't pee any more than necessary. Just cut off the flow when it's full. You can do that right? Aw, you look like you're about to cry. Don't worry, I'll see that you get proper treatment. That's it, just let out a tiny bit aaand...stop! I said stop.
Hm, it looks like you had a little trouble stopping, but that's okay. It was only an extra trickle or two. Your lower stomach still looks nice and round and healthy. What's important is that you keep all the rest of that fluid inside you. Just lie back in bed. Drink another glass to make up for the hydration you just lost. Maybe I'll find that container for you...if I can remember where I put it. Ooh, pouring out all this water for you is making me need to go, I'll be right back. You'd better not move.
Oh, that's right, your container. Well, I think your problem is that you suffer from an overly weak bladder. The cure for that is to train it by holding! Just hold and hold for as long as you can and your muscles will strengthen. You can do that for me, right? For your doctor? Enough whining. You want to get better, right? I can't believe how squirmy you are when you've only had a little bit to drink. Once you're able to hold a normal amount I'll think about letting you get up. Let me start a timer.
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