“Over And Over, We Begin Again.”

I am currently working a really amazing job that could become a career. I’m blessed to have good health insurance, paid vacation days, paid days off, and a guaranteed day off for holidays.

Through my 20’s, I worked jobs that could fire me for being sick too much. I worked jobs where I was regularly forced to work unpaid off the clock. I’ve been harassed and even stalked by some of the customers/clients. Years of my life were spent with nothing more than a day off per week- and that isn’t counting when I would be working three jobs just to make ends meet.

I developed a thick skin and learned not to take customer’s words to heart. They’re just people. I learned when a manager was crossing the line and to walk away from a job that had a cruel and toxic life force. And I’ve learned to survive in those hell holes when I had no other choice.

Now that I’m in a place where I am financially stable, working a job I love, and working with people I love; I often have nightmares where I wake up to realize I still work in one of those other places.

I’m stronger and I’m smarter about what should and should not be accepted in a work environment. And I also know to be grateful for the amazing benefits I have. For those working alongside me who have this as their first job and go on to say it’s a horrible job, I both loathe and envy them for that. First is “how dare you not realize how lucky you are?” Second is “I’m so glad you haven’t experienced worse.” And while I find myself wanting to lecture, I can instead sit back and see everyone as people in different stages in life. For me, I have found a kind of peace. A place I know I can build up from. And I’ll support those that I can, commiserate, but still walk away with the wisdom that entry-level jobs for nearly a decade have given me.

Brazilian jiu-jitsu is different. There is no striking and it is primarily about grappling. You are up close and personal with your partner, and breaking the contact or stalling can cost you points. Learning how to figure out the rhythm of someone else’s body and expose ways to break their guard or submission is so cool. I’m learning how to use all different parts of my body so that I can roll longer. Since I’m just a white belt, drills are the primary focus and sparring isn’t a thing yet. I can’t wait to spar. I want to go in cocky and get submitted in three seconds flat so I can learn where my weaknesses are. For now, I’m focusing on learning the technique and making it perfect.

My instructors for both, much to my vain-ass self’s pride, describe me as a boundless creature of pure energy. To my chagrin, I’m seen as very cute because I smile and get super excited whenever I get knocked down or whenever I’m told to repeat a drill again and again. My BJJ instructors have put me on the competition path. After a few lessons, they asked me why I was doing this. I said that I want to learn to fight and win regardless of how big or strong my opponent is. They asked if I was worried about getting hurt, and I said that I am going to and currently doing everything to avoid injury, but that pain is not a deterrent. Quite the opposite. I was then asked if I wanted to compete. I immediately asked when the competition was and everyone in that gym in ear-shot started laughing. But in a nice way. The master of the dojo (I think that’s how you’d refer to him?) said that I had a long way to go before I was ready to compete. I felt a little deflated at that. Then he said, but you’re a runner, so I imagine you’re going to power your way into it with no trouble. And he then told me I was on the competition path.

It’s cool because this is all in Japanese. I’m not close with my fellow English teacher JET people. It makes me a bit sad when I see them so easily becoming friends and going out drinking and enjoying the night life. I’m not one for that scene. I don’t like drinking. And I also don’t like being out and away from my safe places, especially with people who just… idk. Like, we aren’t on the same page. I understand them, but I can’t relate. However, at BJJ, I feel at home. I’m making friends, even if it’s just during class and free mat time.

My social experience here in Japan hasn’t been what the majority of my fellow ALTs are able to do. I wish I could. I try and have tried. So I’m really happy to be able to be finding a community not only among my teachers at my school, but in BJJ classes. My new table of teachers are “bullying me” into going to karaoke with them. They leave me notes and we all chat and grab coffee and snacks together. And now my BJJ buddies are just… such blessings of pure light.