Another Castle

I know my worth. I know my value. I know that I am loved and cared for. That is all that matters.

However, I do tend to let these things fall into the background because I have major depressive disorder. I struggle every single day with remembering these simple things. At times, I feel so alone with whatever thoughts I have and don’t feel that I can talk about them. Other times, I pretend to be happy so others don’t know that I’m struggling every single day just to get out of bed, take a shower, and live life.

The depression is caused by chronic pain that I’m told is fibromyalgia, but there has to be a reason I’m in this much pain. It’s also caused by the dizziness that I’ve had over the last (almost) year. I’ve been rendered unable to work and do anything that I used to do. I’m not sick enough to qualify for SSDI but I’m sick enough to get long term disability.

I’m so sick and tired of all of this stuff. Now to try to get sleep despite being in such pain because I have the love of my life sleeping next to me. They’re all that I could have hoped for and asked for. The biggest thing now is making sure I let them know how much they are loved because they’re struggling on their own.

Cancer sucks- they’re having to watch a family member die with cancer and they’re not doing well. I need to be strong for them. I’m struggling because it’s the time of year my own father died from cancer, but I need to put my brave face on and help them through this time.

Well, shit has gone down a lot while on my hiatus from Tumblr. I'm hoping the idiots from our main social media pages aren't even on Tumblr because what I've got to say is:

The United States is fucked in every single way.

Do not read if you are sensitive to the topic of abuse. This goes in detail but also is vague enough that it doesn’t have exact details.

I spent six years married to a man who had changed the day we had gotten married. 

I had my first child. Within three weeks of having my son, he forced me to get a job. I could no longer stay home with my child. I was still recovering from a c-section. 

We moved across the country to be closer to his mother. His father had reportedly had a lapse in his schizophrenia and was calling my son by my husband’s name. His mother lied about me, saying I couldn’t take care of my child who constantly cried due to colic. He yelled at me over it. I went into a dissociative auto-pilot state for several years. 

Husband got a job, worked for a month, and was “injured”. He was on worker’s compensation for 6 months due to carpal tunnel he had reportedly acquired on the job. Worker’s compensation ended shortly after I started working another job. During this time he had no problems playing guitar for hours a day. I made sure to tell his worker’s compensation company that. He just didn’t want to go back to work. 

Fast foward, we’re finally living in our own apartment. I’m working my butt off at minimum wage in mental healthcare. We can barely afford the bills we had, let alone anything extra. He insists we need to use all the extra money I have to purchase him marijuana. I insist that I need gas to be able to go to work to pay our bills.

I’m told that money isn’t everything and I shouldn’t be working as much. 

I go from doctor to doctor trying to fix myself because my husband said I was crazy. I tried all the medication. I tried counseling. Nothing seemed to be helping and everything I told him my doctor’s said would help me cope, he would not allow for me to do. 

I get pregnant with a second child. This is still during the time that I was in a dissociative state. 

I come out of dissociative state. Things are worse, since he was now trying to get me diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder. My counselor gives me the diagnosis of Complex PTSD with dissociative disorder instead. He’s irate.  My husband keeps asking me constantly over women he could date in addition to being married to me. I tell him I don’t want someone else involved. I tell him we shouldn’t bring anyone else into our relationship until we fix our current failing relationship. He won’t hear a word of it. He says that the only thing that can fix our relationship is sex. I was suffering from sexual dysfunction at the time. I know now that I wasn’t attracted to my husband anymore. Sex wasn’t the answer for fixing a failing relationship. He didn’t spark my interest anymore. I just wanted to make sure my kids were provided for. 

I keep working. I keep trying to make more money at different jobs. I follow the dollar. I land a management position. He complains I’m working too much still. He complains I don’t help around the house more. He complains that he never gets a day off. He’s not worked for 5 years at this point. He’s smoking $200 worth of marijuana a week at this point. He says his newfound heart problems are because of me stressing him out. I point out that he’s had cholesterol problems since he was a teen. I offer to help with meal planning that would be more heart healthy. He scoffs at the idea, saying that he won’t ever be a scrawny man because he’s a real man. (He weighed over 300 lbs at this point) His heart problems were discovered after I took him to the ER one day. They had to stop his heart and restart it. That day, part of me wanted him to die. The other part of me called out to him when he wasn’t coming back. He finally wakes up. Things only get worse from there. 

He became physically abusive, threatening me with knives, threatening me with my life, my kids, anything that he could use to make me scared to leave him.

He approaches me about a female who he says was a domestic violence victim and that we should help her and her kids from being homeless. I begrudgingly agree. 

I end up being alienated in my own home. The woman is taking all of my husband’s attention. The woman tells me I’m just being jealous. The woman tells him I need to be gotten rid of. The two were a match made in heaven- narcissistic, manipulative, and abusive toward me and each other. 

I decided to go through messages before I had decided I needed to leave. My reasoning: They seemed a lot closer than he had been letting on. They had been talking for two years and had let each other know they loved the other. Within the week, he was asking me if he could date her. Within the month, he had gone beyond anything I had agreed to when it came to them dating. By the time Christmas rolled around, I was no longer in the house after they manipulated me leaving into a physical altercation and they had their story set straight with each other about what they would say happened.  I found out later she was pregnant. I never consented to my ex having sex with another woman, let alone getting her pregnant. I know you’re going to say, “You really think that wouldn’t have happened?” Well, when an agreement is made and that is something that was agreed upon, then yes I expect someone to keep their word. 

I found out later that she was very pregnant and that she ended up pregnant June of the prior year- the first time he went to go meet with her to give her a phone so she could contact people she needed to stay in touch with. 

I was arrested by police. I was investigated by DHHS. I was scrutinized for everything I did. I was homeless, starving, and got lucky with help from a few people along the way. I lost my kids in the process. 

I find out about a year later that my husband’s now ex girlfriend molested my children. I report to DHHS. I report to his school the new information. I talk to my attorney for divorce about it. Nothing happened despite a child saying in front of two adults unprompted that their sibling and their self had been sexualized. 

Yes, you read that correctly.  I am a domestic abuse survivor. 

TW: mentions of abuse, murder, pedophilia I have a husband that I am currently in the process of divorcing. The day I decided to leave him, he physically assaulted me. He gave me a black eye and bruises all over my body.  I got arrested. Not only because he had an in with the police department, but also because I had scratched him in self defense.  Word from the wise, if you’re being attacked and decide to defend yourself instead of getting beaten to death, you are better off being arrested. 

I found out he was cheating on me just a few days prior. He had a girlfriend on the side since June. He moved her into our home under the guise of her just being a homeless mother who needed some help and that he knew her well.  He didn’t. Turns out he had been messaging her for well over two years and by the time she was moved into our home, she was pregnant with his child.  She posted photos on how far along she was. She was 37 weeks along when she decided she was going to perform an abortion on herself and killed a full term baby. She now carries said baby in a box. She even claimed that I, a female, impregnated her and that my children were demonic and deserved to die.  My 6 year old son let me know this same woman had sexualized him. I reported it to CPS only to find out that my ex-husband must have told my son to tell them he made it all up because there were never any findings of abuse. My son had come to me and told me about it unprompted on how she’d cover his and his brothers eyes and tell them not to look while she proceeded to touch their genitals.

I knew from the day she arrived with bags of items that were only her own and had nothing for her children that she was not an abuse victim. She never provided for her children. She left me to care for her children while she went into the back of the house to practice tarot and smoke weed all day. She left garbage all around the house. She never picked up after herself. She pushed me out of my home and lied to police officers.