Vice President of Enby Princesses

It's not that I havent tried hard enough. I simply can't. It doesnt work. I end up panicking and burnout.

So... I compromise. On payday I get a fun drink to reward myself for making it (sounds silly and unrelated but depression is weird lol) *and* if I did something I struggle with like brushing my teeth consistently for the pay period <- (using existing structures to work for you) I can get a small snack aswell. A small extra that would be nice, but only nice enough that it would be the recognition for my hard work. It's not restriction in the way people think, but it's a between option for the typical reward system that I find to be more safe for my nervous system. Im seriously spitballing but if you find this helpful please steal it! We all deserve to work toward nice things like feeling safe and having more consistent hygiene hehehe

I've been struggling with organizing my room as much as I've been struggling with emotional stability lately and I hate that she's seen it because it means silently admitting that I'm not okay. she's asked multiple times if I needed help cleaning and I declined each time, getting more overwhelmed and stuck and spiraling each time. the last time she said okay, and instead of leaving she started picking things up.

Immediately I felt the need to push her away, this incredible pit of guilt and failure boiling in the bottom of my stomach and clenching my throat. she turned on her playlist, and started asking me questions. About anything. I got to talking, and before I knew it I didn't feel that paralysis. I still got stuck organizing infinite baskets of tiny things over the bigger picture of the area but she just kept talking and did the big stuff for me.

She didn't say anything, and I felt worse at the end instead of better because how do I take the responsibility for this mess I got myself into now if she keeps taking it away from me? I couldn't bring myself to sit with it. I always have to be doing more for others or taking the majority of a problem because I feel like I've failed if I don't. And yet every time I mumbled my thanks anxiously or insisted "I was going to do that!" she assured me it was okay. She brought over a rug and hung up christmas lights, insisting that "this is how I do it" and asking if I liked it. I told her I loved it, which is hard to get her to believe when your facial expression of gratitude is blank autistic stare. the christmas lights kinda hurt my eyes but I keep them on, and I keep looking at them.

I never allowed myself to practice what I preach. I'm always so ready to help other people, and I don't want them to feel ashamed or sad. I do it because I love and care about them, so why do I refuse to allow myself the same?

and I know people will tell you that the time will pass anyway, but that really sucks to hear on its own.