prettyquiescence

I thought it was love. Because it looked like the movies, felt like the poems, sounded like soft promises whispered in the dark.

But it wasn’t you I loved— it was the story I told myself about you.

You were silence wrapped in skin, a presence without presence. Red flags waved, not in warning, but like banners at a parade I wanted so badly to join.

I carved a safe space between my ribs, made a home of my vulnerability, but you never stepped in. You stood at the threshold, muttering reasons why you couldn’t, while I mistook your distance for depth.

You said you couldn’t talk. I listened harder. You said nothing. I built meaning from the quiet.

God—how foolish I was. Not for loving, but for falling for the idea of love— as if that would be enough to turn absence into affection.

You didn’t break me. I broke myself trying to make your silence sound like something sweet.

And now, I pick through the wreckage, not of you, but of me— of the girl who thought love was supposed to hurt, as long as it felt like something.

For the longest time, these three words have been nothing but lies for me. Sweet, sugar coated lies that soothe the souls of those who pretend to care about me. To me these three words have never felt real. I understand the weight behind them but I don't feel it. What i do feel is the absence of love. Constantly, deeply, thoroughly. I feel the absence of any and every emotion because I have been numb for far too long. I say I love you every night before I sleep to the ones close to me as a goodbye. Just in case tomorrow comes and I'm not here, i want them to be at peace and believe that I knew what love was and that I felt it for them. Growing up i was forced to tell people that I loved them. Friends, family, anyone. It was kind, it was a good thing to say, is what they'd tell me. Soon it became nothing but a formality. I want to love, I really do, in a way that drowns my soul. I feel it in me, most days, the sheer capacity to love someone truly in the purest of ways. But i can't. Because now when I think what I feel is love i think that subconsciously it's another lie. Another goodbye. Another formality. Another loop. And absolutely nothing real.

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you are just like me and i keep forgetting that's not such a good thing i'll let you remind me why

i wait for nothing i wait for sloppy kisses and slurred apologies everything you kept hidden

you're just afraid to be alone and i'm scared to be with anyone we're both sides of the same coin so let's flip it and see who's right

i can't stand to take a chance and you're all too willing to see it land i close my eyes and breathe deep of course it's landed for you again

so i relent, it's my fault i'm the one who started it all i don't need to believe it to say it i just wanted you to see it once my way

Where the lights don’t move and the colors don’t fade

Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams

In a world gone shallow

In a world gone lean

But there is a truth and it’s on our side

Dawn is coming open your eyes

Look into the sun as a new days rise"