unraving rae

i am 24 y/o suffering with bpd, recurrent depression, ednos

this is my main blog where i primarily post about ✨ bpd, mh and traumas ✨

tw for sui, addictions, sh

i do also have some sides blogs

• a side girl blog, with occasional personal vents about my life and struggles

• a creative writing blog ✍️:

• an art blog, mainly vent sketches and edits 🥀:

dear Death,

• turning to substances the moment you feel turbulence into your life to numb it

• overeating and/or speeding around when under time pressure or dealing with last minutes tasks

• imagining a lot how a bad thing happens to you, like an accident, so people would be concerned and care

• age regression when being triggered by past violence, soothing yourself and talking in a childlike voice/way

• hyper sexuality to deal with SA trauma in an illusion that you can regain the control that was lost then

• contrary, being totally repulsed by anything sexual and having no drive or appeal to it, or feeling extremely guilty if you wish it

• silent anxiety attack/fidgeting/stimming/chewing your cheek when someone dear to you does not respond at calls/messages

• punishing yourself for the most little mistakes, getting emotional flashbacks of past abuse each time you “screw up”

• wrongful beliefs that people are out there to get you, that they want to send you away or get rid of you, emerging paranoia

• daydreaming for hours about a peaceful, beautiful life and/or childhood you’ve never gotten to have

• using self harm to release the inner turmoil because all emotions are too loud and too much

• ruminating over it constantly with no intention to actually act on your thoughts, but they still linger 24/7

• becoming reckless about your life, not caring if anything bad happens to you: engaging in self destructive behaviours and addictions impulsively, not looking when you cross the street, neglecting your health and so much more

• waking up after a silent attempt, and having to go to school/work pretending like nothing happened at all last night

• telling subtle jokes about wishing to die and getting weird or worried looks

• writing the goodbye notes and keeping them hidden - just in case

• attempting without wanting to actually die, but being a loud scream for help you re not getting

• the attempts that are a cry for help turning into hopeless attempts when you are convinced to go along with and make it work

• waking up after a failed attempt, and your first thought being attempting again

• losing someone to suicide makes you feel furious but deep down you understand their pain that was unbearable, pain that you also feel now and want to go to be with them

• talking friends and loved ones out of suicide while you are unsure if you re going to make it through yourself

• being left on seen/ghosting

makes me feel as the person is pushing me away, reopening my abandonment wounds

• small changes in tone/mimics/facial expressions

gives me huge anxiety that i upset the person, so in conclusion i'm a bad person and they are sick and tired of me

• people setting up boundaries

rationally respecting it, but my emotional brain feels terrifying rejection and it s a step away to sabotage the relationship so i won t be abandoned first

• getting into fights with loved ones

makes me feel unjustified, rage rushing in, splitting on them then regretting my words/thoughts calling myself a soulless monster

• being told i m too emotional/overreacting

makes me feel so immensely invalid that i shut down completely emotionally and never show emotions to that person again

• people getting tired of reassuring me they won t abandon me