⋆deer-in-disguise⋆

Except James is literally ambidextrous but doesn’t know it cuz he never notices when he switches hands

"Yes," Remus gasped, slapping his hands on the hospital reception desk. "I'm his husband. Remus Lupin."

Behind him, James and Peter slammed to a halt.

"His what?" James choked out.

Remus didn't even look back, already taking the visitor pass from the nurse. "Thank you. Room four?"

"Down the hall to the left," she smiled.

Remus started walking fast. James jogged to catch up, grabbing his elbow. "Remus… husband? What the fuck? Did I miss something?"

"They only let spouses in before noon," Remus said, not breaking his stride. "We updated each other's emergency files last year."

"You… you committed medical fraud?"

"It's not fraud, it's…. Look, it just makes things easier."

"Right. Of course," Peter muttered to James. "Of fucking course.”

They found Sirius sitting on the edge of a hospital bed, his arm strapped into a sling. He lit up the second he saw them.

"Moony!" Sirius whined, reaching his good hand out. "They took my jacket. You have to track it down before they ruin it."

Remus immediately stepped right between Sirius's knees, automatically reaching out to adjust the strap of the sling so it stopped rubbing against Sirius's neck. "I'll find it. Are you in pain?"

"Just my pride," Sirius mumbled. He leaned his chin against Remus’s stomach and closed his eyes with a content sigh.

James stared at them. He looked at Remus, whose hands were currently busy gently checking the back of Sirius's head for bumps, and then at Sirius, who was nuzzling into Remus's jumper like a touch-starved kitten.

"So," James said loudly, clearing his throat. "Sirius. Remus just informed me that you two are legally wed."

"It’s easy, Prongs," Sirius answered without opening his eyes. "Spouses get a lot of privileges. It's a purely administrative marriage."

"Administrative," James repeated flatly.

"It’s a simple matter of logistics," Remus corrected simply, right as he leaned down and pressed a kiss into Sirius's hair.

Peter buried his face in his hands, looking disgusted by the sight. "They're going to adopt a child next week and claim it was just easier than getting a dog."

regulus, squinting suspiciously: someones probably talking shit rn

*at the same time*

sirius: yeah up until regulus was like 7 he couldnt pronounce 'r' so he would talk like 'siwius can we play tomowwo?'

james: what does that have to do with you knowing how to lockpick with a muggle paper clip

Remus sat, content, under the canopy he’d brought to the beach, his book spread on his lap and his sunglasses firmly on his face. Life was perfect, until–

“POTTER WHAT THE FUCK?!?”

Looking up, he saw a dripping-wet Regulus stomping out of the ocean, the scowl on his face so big that his features twisted. Behind him, James stood waist-deep in the water, absolutely cracking up. 

“Reg! Reg, wait!” James called, still laughing, trudging slowly to shore, not doing anything to help himself out of the proverbial hole he’d dug himself. “Love–”

“Potter, you know I can’t swim, and yet you pick me up and carry me–”

“I’d never let you drown, baby, c’mon!”

Now Remus was thoroughly amused, grinning as he watched James follow Regulus up the beach.

“Reg, please. Wait!”

For a moment, Regulus turned, eyes full of flames, hands on his hips, as he glared at James. And James, the idiot that he was, stopped short, mouth falling open as he took in the sight of a wet, shirtless, angry Regulus and forgot how to function. “I…erm…fuck. You’re so hot,” he muttered, shaking his head like a dog with water in its ears.

“Hey mate, I have a question,” James said as soon as Sirius picked up the phone, trying to keep his voice to a whisper, but failing miserably. 

“What's up,” Sirius replied back. 

“Is it a crime to fake drowning?” James asked, eyes glued forward even as he spoke. 

It took Sirius several seconds to answer. “Prongs, what the fuck?” he asked after a while, sounding thoroughly concerned. 

“Nah, nah, it's just I'm at the lake, right?” 

“Right,” Sirius replied because he knew that much. 

“Right, and there's this lifeguard here, and he's like insanely hot.” 

Sirius was quiet for another second. Then, slowly, patiently, almost like he was trying to avoid pain, he asked, "What does he look like?" J

ames swallowed, then looked over to said, ‘Insanely hot lifeguard,’ and tried to find the words to describe him. "Well, he's short, right, but not ridiculously short." 

“Okay,” Sirius responded.

“And he's got this kind of moody look on his face. Like…he's not happy he's here, but he'll deal with it.”

“Okay,” Sirius replied again, sounding less than pleased.

“And then he's got this silky black curly hair that, mate, I swear, I just want to run my fingers through!” 

Sirius breathed heavily. “Does he look like me, by any chance?” 

James looked over again, trying not to be too obvious, even though he nearly tripped over himself to get a better glance. “Yeah, actually, he does look a little bit like you. Odd, that.

There was a long pause, and then Sirius replied, "James, that's my fucking brother. He just got a job there last week." 

James blinked, looking from his phone back to the lifeguard, then back to his phone again. “...Okay, but where did we land on the whole fake drowning thing because–?”

Jegulus microfic - 370 words

Slightly nsfw

Regulus flipped a page of the book, snuggling deeper into his blankets as it became even more smutty. His cheeks warmed as he could feel himself blushing bright red. Just as he was about to turn the next page, the door burst open, the noise shockingly loud compared to the previous silence.

Regulus squawked, letting out an embarrassingly strangled noise as he jumped out of his skin, slamming the book shut and accidently dropping it off the side of the bed.

James stood in the doorway, grinning like an idiot… until he saw the shocked look on Regulus's face and his smile dropped.

"Oh, sorry, we're you sleeping?" He asked, shutting the door and making his way over to the bed.

"Not quite," Regulus said, all to aware of how red his cheeks still were.

"Oh," James noticed the book lying on the floor. "You were reading? Is it a good book?"

"Wait!" Regulus said, reacting too late as his brain failed to process that James was picking up that book in time.

He flicked to a random page in the middle.

Unfortunately, mostly all of the pages were similar to that of which Regulus had been reading.

James's eye's widened as he read, and Regulus snatched the book of him before he could read any more. He slammed it shut again, shoving it in the draw of the bedside table.

"Oh, sorry," James said, cheeks pink.

"I— what are you doing here?" Regulus asked, pulling the blanket up to his shoulders even though he was wearing clothes.

"Oh, I came to give you this, actually," James said, blinking as he remembered, and pulling a chocolate bar out of his pocket. "I got it from the store on my way home. Thought I'd come say goodnight before going to bed."

"Yeah? Well, goodnight," Regulus said, already wondering how he would get any sleep with the lingering embarrassment. Of course James would be the one to find out that he'd been reading gay smut at night.

"Goodnight," James said, putting the chocolate on his bedside table. He paused at the door. "And, um, I've got some more books like that in my room if you want them."

***

Barty : *proudly presents* here

Baby : *blinks*

Evan : *jaw clenched* I meant ADOPTION barty!

Barty :oh...

Barty : *pouts* but it's so CUTE!! look *shakes the baby*

Evan : *exasperated sigh* please return it to its parents barty.

***

james : *as he hands regulus another shot* getting you drunk so you can admit you love me :)

regulus : … we’re married.

james (texting back): hi, sweetheart

regulus (nervous): NO. I mean- hi, deer

james (smiling): you're sweetheart anyway so hi, baby

So I bled 'til I cried, 'til I felt I might die

To be known the way you should is to put yourself through hell, hell

Still, I waited and tried, 'til it killed me

'Cause you're right (It killed me, it killed me)

I can wait if I want

But it'll never be good enough like I want to believe it is