popcornstudies

My new friends taught me that, especially as a neurodivergent person, I cannot accept the narrative I've been told: that I am not too much or too little, but exactly who I need to be.

Finals are a final exam, a test. Not a final verdict on knowledge or talent or promise or worth.

Study hard, do your best. But also congratulate yourself for getting this far, for all the hard work you have done to get to this point.

Suddenly, I will be transported away from my textbooks and laptop, my ratty sweatshirt and crooked glasses, and I will be back in my home town, standing among those five hundred and sixty teenagers dressed in purple gowns and honor chords and metals. Five hundred and sixty purple mortarboards with five hundred sixty gold tassels, five hundred and sixty students turned towards thousands of cheering faces.

Pomp and Circumstance stretching on and on and on until every one of us stood looking at the crowd before turning as one to face the future.

Before you give up, break down, or do anything drastic, please consider doing something unexpected in a positive way.

Go on that day trip, say yes to something you've been putting off, make that phone call to the person you haven't talked to in a while, jump into a new hobby, go to that new place for dinner.

I knew that I had set myself up for a challenging couple of months, balancing twenty credits, an internship, and both my school and home lives. I had hoped, however, that I would be able to settle down and focus on school.

Of course, when you need some calm, you're never going to get it. Within the first two weeks of the semester, I had a friend experience some violent homophobia near campus and received the news that my grandmother had entered hospice care. On top of that, I have been struggling with my mental health, trying to manage my ADHD, OCD, and depression in the face of many responsibilities and little sleep.

I have already exhausted my excused absences for the semester and received two reports of academic concern.

However, I am determined not to give up on myself.

I have wonderful friends and family who have been supporting me, reminding me why I do this. I have professors who are genuinely worried about me and advisors to help me reorganize my life. I have a purpose and a dream and a reason for what I do.

I have been seeking support from the different resources around campus to try and address my attendance and poor performance. I reached out to a helpline when the grief and anxiety became too much and I didn't know a way forward. I spend time doing ridiculous things with my friends and just doing nothing. Today I made a move for my health and cleaned the trash out of my room.

But...

My mental health is poor and I'm just sad because my grandma is going on hospice care and I'm relearning grief without my support system in a town where people beat my friend up for being queer just last week and I'm trying not to crumble under the weight of my responsibilities as a student, an employee, a friend, and a family member.

Starting in late January, I am going to be taking 20 credits of classes at my small liberal arts college. I'm hoping to post more about my experience with academics this semester.

Here's the classes I'm taking as a music, economics, and potentially English major:

Calculus I (mandatory to take intermediate econ classes, the only time it was offered was 8 am so I'm going to die)

Principles of Music (mandatory for music majors)

Principles of Macroeconomics (just finished principles of microeconomics)

Choir

Approaches to Study of Literature (mandatory for English majors)

General Education Course- Economics-themed section (mandatory for freshmen, offered in a bunch of disciplines, got my wish of being in the economics version of the class)

Voice Lessons

Chamber Choir

I'm actually in college now! I am working for my bachelor's degrees in music and economics (and maybe English if I can get the credit distribution right).

I just finished my first semester at a small liberal arts school across the state from the place I was born and raised until age 19. I won't lie and say it's been an easy start to the year, but I am doing well overall.

Though I've had a lot of issues with depression and mental health, I'm passing my classes and even doing quite well in some. I have a really great group of friends who support me and my goals and I am involved on campus. I have been working for the school paper, I've had some of my poems accepted at literary magazines, and I got a local internship in my dream field that starts when I return from winter break in January.

Last time I posted on this blog, I was staring down my final year of high school, a year that dragged on and brought a lot of pain an uncertainty, especially when it came to finding a college. A year later and I'm surviving (and maybe doing more than just surviving) at a good college that, while not my dream school, has given me a financial opportunity that will eliminate most of my family's concerns about student loans and taking on debt.

I'm coming into this year with a 3.7, my AP Capstone diploma, and 7 AP credits. I am taking 3 AP classes this year and 4 tests (I am self-studying AP Lang) and doing too many extracurriculars.

My schedule for this semester:

Select Jazz Choir

AP Stats

AP Lit

Concert Choir

Newspaper/Yearbook Productions

Weight Training (I have finally been forced to take PE)

AP Gov