AAAAAAAAAAA

Probably no one will be surprised to hear that when I say “looking at maps” I mostly mean “looking at decorative sea monsters that happen to be located on maps,” but before we get to the fishy friends here’s the world map that opens the book, just because it’s kind of cool to see what has and hasn’t changed over the last 450 years.

Now that that’s out of the way, choose your fighter: 

 a) fringed sea-gnome

b) a letter opener

c) duck horse, or dorse

d) absolute unit

A key feature of this edition is that all the fish have easily some of the faces I’ve seen:

This one gets its own section because when I first saw it I thought the tail was a second head, and I can’t get over this duck-billed affront to nature serving not one but two of the most disgusted expressions I’ve even had the honour of beholding:

On one hand, the custom of depicting monarchs and powerful figures as Neptune was meant to symbolize dominion over the waves and is directly tied to imperialism

On the other hand, *gestures to entire sea monster*

On the third hand I had installed specifically for hypotheticals, this is so much funnier than any current trends that I think we should bring it back as a way of depicting celebrities and cultural icons? As long as you remove the trident/laurels/emblems there’s no reason being transported by sea monsters couldn’t have completely un-imperial symbolism ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

One of my many ideas that no one else appreciates is a band composed entirely of the weirdest musical grotesques from historical documents. Would they be holograms? animatronics? a cross between Medieval Times and Chuck E. Cheese? an avant garde boyband concept? I don’t know, but I do know I dream of a world where this guy goes platinum:

Even more faces:

#if you attempt to bring a tomato onto the premises you will be shot immediately by a sniper in roman legionaire's armor

We'll need to drag max miller into this thang I assume

This remarkable letter of unknown provenance surfaced recently in the cuneiform collection of the University of West Wessex.  Addressed to Azirapil from a Mr. “Crawly,” it appears to be begging for the other’s return to Ur from a western journey with another individual, Abiraham.  The relationship between the two (brothers? business partners? friends?) is unknown, and all three names are quite unusual.  The letter also mentions a Mr. Ea-naṣir in Ur; if this is the same Ea-naṣir as the merchant mentioned in UET V 22, 29, 71, and 81, then the original letter would be dated to the Larsa period, around 1800 BCE.  However, this particular copy appears to be a scribal exercise; the writing is relatively unskilled, and the cuneiform is Neo-Assyrian in form.  It is unclear whether the text is based on a historical letter, or if its unusual names and content were invented for scribal practice.

Text:

Tell Azirapil [1]:

Thus says “Crawly” [2]:

When will your time in the West be finished?  Abiraham [3] seems very dirty, and I am weary [4] in Ur.  [There is] a talented mirsu-maker [5] on Wide Street!

Watch out, for I have acquired a new friend.  His name is Ea-Naṣir [6], and I may play wickedly with him if you do not return.  

Come quickly!