My Polyam Adventures

Me and my boyfriend are still going strong. We've officially had our ups and downs, but the downs have been so strange to me; we haven't fought like I have in my past relationships, he's actually receptive to talking things out. Anyway— that's not the update.

He admitted to me yesterday

that he sees polyamory as a short-term thing for him. He feels monogamy is long-term. AKA, he's monogamous innately but he's willing to let me explore until he can't take it anymore.

I have no idea how this is going to pan out. I don't want to leave and neither does he. But, I don't want him to just be a temporary in my life.

I don't know. Life is strange.

Thank you all for being here on my journey!! ♡

So, Cerberus and I went on a mini road trip, and a lot of alters decided to show up! It was a lot of switching, which has exhausted him, but it was really nice to meet one of them and see the other two again. (After meeting A, I soon met another [B]! On the car ride today, I met C!)

I went to him with my previous concerns

about his relationship with the system, saying that, even though it's not my place to be, I felt quite sad about how he talked to and treated his headmates. He ended up taking this to heart and decided to try communicating with them, which ended up going a lot better than expected!! He still despises one of them, but he's getting on pretty okay with the others!

This is very pleasing to me, and the alters seem to be happy to exist in a bit more peace. It makes me happy to exist with them as well ♡. I'm REALLY hoping that this turns out to be a good thing for him and them, rather than a bad thing.

And. P.S.

It seems as though I'm developing a little crush on one of them...

the one Cerberus despises.... whoops.

I had a talk with my dad last night about the breakup and Cerberus. I told him I just wanted him to respect Cerberus and take him seriously. He said that he'll respect him as long as he's with me, and that he wants to meet him.

On the other hand, I told my mom the same thing, and she responded with saying that she won't take him seriously until she meets him. Kind of the same response as my dad, but it really isn't.

I can only suspect that my dad is a lot more open to Cerberus being in my life so soon after the breakup because he's been a serial cheater before. I suspect my mom is more closed off to him because she was the one my dad serial cheated on. In essence, they definitely have different views on how love is (mom is hardcore monogamous while dad could have been polyamorous if he took the time and effort).

I'm not really sure how to feel about either case.

It feels like my dad almost identifies with me, which isn't what I want, but at least he is more at ease with Cerberus. I never wanted to resemble my dad in that way, because I saw how much it hurt my mom.

But, either way— I'm excited for Cerberus to meet my dad, and the rest of my family when the time comes.

and I just unexpectedly met one of his alters. I won't be sharing their name, so I'll just use A for now. They were a little, it seemed, and they were very scared to be out.

I enjoyed meeting A, and A enjoyed meeting me. I'm pretty proud of myself for staying calm and making sure A was comfortable. I would tell you guys more details, but it just doesn't feel right to, even anonymously. Eventually, Cerberus came to and was very frustrated with himself and very apologetic.

I told him there's nothing to apologize for.

He's tried to supress them, and did for some years, but they're beginning to resurface, as one might expect. I wish I was better versed in DID, because I'm not sure what kind of input is appropriate to give him. In my opinion, I don't think supressing his alters is going to help him or work for him in the long run. Imagine how it'd feel to be suppressed by someone else? I can't fathom it. I wish he was more open minded to communicating with his alters and sorting things out so he (and A and other) can live peacefully.

But it's just not my place.

I'm not apart of their system. I'm not even a system, myself. Even so, I feel sad for the other alters. I hope A is doing okay in there...

My life has been short of wholesome at the moment, and this has led to me having some pretty gnarly flashbacks. But, I think that it's important to acknowledge and appreciate the good that's happened along side the hardships, so I'll share some of those that are blog-related ♡

[[First, I feel like I need to give a name to my boyfriend (my crush) for this blog— I've decided on Cerberus, for some reasons I'll likely get into later.]]

• I've aparently passed the mom test,

which has also aparently not been passed since Cerberus was about 14 years old. She told him that she likes me a lot!! I'm very excited, but also worried about ruining this reputation. I'm quite an awkward individual while she's a very confident person. I hope that when she gets to know me more, her opinion won't change.

• We wear matching earrings! It's really cute!!

• He's making me feel more comfortable in my skin,

which is something I didn't realize I was even missing to begin with. I'm a very animalistic person—as cringey as that may sound to some— and he's making me feel more comfortable expressing that side of myself. He can be a little animalistic as well, but that doesn't quite extend past the bedroom as mine does.

• I'm starting to slowly feel more and more like myself again.

I'm almost a little suprised that I'm healing as fast as I am, but I remind myself that this breakup is likely a lot easier due to there not being any trauma involved.