The Polycule Diaries

framing polyamory as an “identity” or something you’re “born with” forecloses the most radical implications of non-monogamy, i.e the ability to reconstitute one’s relationships (romantic or otherwise) outside of received scripts revolving around control, ownership and hierarchy, basing them instead on voluntary association and abundant affection.

Do people refer to your relationships as “experiments”?

It did not go well

Being the designated driver for your partner and their date

Shopping with your partner to find the perfect gift for your metamour

Breaking a bouquet apart to give each person their preferred flowers

Telling your metamour secret tips and tricks you’ve learned for making your shared partner melt

Sitting and helping your partner plot how they’re going to ask somebody out

Making sure the house is nice, clean, and set up before leaving so that your partner can have their date night in

Paying to see the same movie several times in theaters because each of your partners wants to see it with you

Conspiring with your metamour on how to surprise your partner

Watching your partner’s kids or pets so that they can go see your metamour

Keeping each of your partners’ stuff in specific spots in your house so they never have to go looking for it amongst everyone else’s stuff

Subtly excusing yourself so that your partner can get alone flirting time with their crush

Helping your partner relax and prepare for a date

Remembering the shampoo each person uses and keeping some in your shower

Learning to cook something new because your metamour has dietary restrictions and you want to be able to have dinner with everyone

Me and my boyfriend have our own bedrooms. And I always feel when I tell people this I always feel I need to justify it. We do usually sleep in the same bed, you know. We are a couple.

It was important for us both, as it turned out, that we have to have our own space. Some of the reasons are specifically poly, and some are not–as with most relationship advice.

-having somewhere to have other partners over without imposing on your live in partner(s) is useful

-it’s emotionally healthy to have a space that is just your own where you can shut the door on the rest of the world when you need to. Where you can keep your things and decorate it however makes you happy.

-being able to easily have space during disagreement helps head off arguments

-being able to “stay over at your partner’s place” even when you live together keeps it feeling fun and exciting

-making a conscious decision to share a bed each night is a good way to practise informed consent, and makes it easier to have a night to yourself when you want to without it feeling like a slight on your partner

-being able to close the door on your partner’s mess means no more arguments over dirty socks on the floor