cringe but also not free

me btw. if you care

and i said / well that’s / only part of the plot

so last november i lost about a quarter of my vision in my right eye. i went to the optometrist who got me a same-day emergency referral to an opthamologist at a hospital in a bigger city and after multiple weeks of driving back and forth and doing a million blood tests and having my eyes dilated 400 times and getting tested for TB and getting an MRI and doing a run of antibiotics “just in case” it was cat scratch fever they basically said “well your optic nerve is swollen and we have no idea why. see you in 3 months!” so three months later i go in and they still don’t know what happened. the swelling has gone down but my eye scarred and i’ve got a permanent blind spot now. i had to do an mri because a swollen optic nerve is a common early symptom of MS and i fit the age/gender/ethnicity/geographical category of people most likely to get MS. i stressed about that for about three weeks until the results came back clear but they tell me now that it’s still possible that it’s MS but the mri was done too early to tell. in six months or so they’re gonna have me do another mri. so i’ve just been like living with that hanging over my head. feeling awful so much of the time. miserable about losing part of my vision even though it’s not really all that bad (i probably lost like… 1/10th permanently and if i have my glasses on i hardly notice it unless something is directly in the blind spot). it hurts when i walk more than like half a block and i have a huge portion of my thigh that cycles on and off being totally numb pretty much all the time and my hands have gotten tremors and i truly don’t know if this is because i have MS or if it’s psychosomatic because i THINK i have MS and i’m just like stealing valor. idk man i’m so stressed and miserable and my parents health has been declining and i can noooot get a job and i think i wanna go back to school but like what if that’s a mistake! what if i apply to go back to school and then i find out i do have MS and my parents health gets worse. i just feel like my life has gotten worse and worse and worse and worse since 2020 and it’s so hard to believe it’ll ever improve again. six years of things being bad and then worse and then worse. now i’ve got two useless degrees in replaced by ai studies and dead industry industries. might as well get a ba in creative writing and then do an MFA and hope by the time im graduated all of that in my fucking FORTIES that student loan debt has been forgiven and i can still walk. whateverrrrrrr.