coupling ambition with tenderness

The beauty of having the earthy feel when you study.

there have been points during my phd where i’ve caught myself subscribing to longstanding academic messages about accomplishment and hustle and competition. as someone who used her academics to make sense of her place in a new country, i am no stranger to academic validation as fuel.

as a 4th year doc student, however, i find myself more motivated to retain my identity outside of my work. i see it as a hard-earned epiphany, which struck me just as burnout was settling in alongside the desperation to see joy and color back in my day-to-day life. don’t get me wrong - i am on this path because i care about the work i do and the work i can do. but there is more to life and myself than fieldwork hours and dissertation writing and worrying about internship applications.

this is what i held on to this morning, visiting a nearby coffee shop that i’ve always wanted to try but never have. i woke up with dread and panicked-hamster-wheel-thoughts about whether i’m competitive enough for a fellowship or whether i’m doing okay in comparison to my peers or whether my cv is worthy (translation: whether i am worthy). i made the decision to shake these thoughts away today, go outside, journal and read, and just be more. be human.