i made a master doc of all of wylan’s anxious habits and thoughts from crooked kingdom. enjoy:
“Wylan tugged at the hem of his sky-blue jacket… and tried to look at ease.”
“All he had to do was… figure out what to do with his hands. Clasp them in front? Too much like a singer at a recital. In back? Too military. He tried just dangling them at his sides, but that didn’t feel right either. Why hadn’t he paid better attention to the way waiters stood?”
“His hands were shaking as he took the bottle from the silver ice bucket…”
“So Wylan took stock of the room’s details - a trick he’d often used to steady himself whenever he arrived someplace new…”
“Wylan knew he couldn’t have prevented his father from double-crossing the crew and kidnapping her. He knew that, but he still felt responsible.”
“‘Oysters, miss?’ Wylan asked. His voice sounded too high. ‘Buttered prawns?’ Too low.”
“What am I doing here? He found himself gnawing on his thumb and forced himself to stop.”
…Kaz never yelled the way Wylan’s father did but, Wylan had learned to listen for that low note, that bit of black harmony…”
“...Wylan said, fiddling with a pen on one of the blotters.”
“Wylan tugged the strap of his satchel… Wylan tugged on the satchel strap again.
“Wylan was gnawing on his thumbnail.”
“‘Will he?’ Wylan said softly. He used his finger to draw a line across the map of Ketterdam…”
“Wylan pulled on his lip.”
“‘Don’t you think we should be more cautious?’ Wylan asked, his own face buried in the collar of his coat.”
“Wylan tried to make himself relax and unbuttoned the roughspun coat Kaz had obtained for him.”
“‘Come here.’ Warily, Wylan sidled closer.”
“Jesper released a guffaw that had Wylan looking frantically over his shoulder again, afraid of drawing attention.”
“Wylan tugged at a thread unraveling from the sleeve of his coat.”
“Jan Van Eck had done his best to care for his son, and if he’d failed, then the defect lay with Wylan… and everything he said made perfect sense. Wylan could not be trusted with a fortune because he would be too easily swindled. Wylan could not go to university because he’d be the target of mockery.”
“His father’s ire had been unpleasant, but it was his logic that haunted Wylan- that practical, irrefutable voice that spoke in Wylan’s head whenever he thought about attempting something new, or trying to learn to read again. ”
“Wylan felt ridiculously pleased - until he thought about Kaz finding out. Then he felt a little like the first time he’d tried brandy and ended up spewing his dinner all over his own shoes.”
“Wylan looked down at the bouquet. It seemed smaller and more straggly than he thought.”
“... on it sat a vase of the wisteria Wylan had seen outside. He inhaled deeply. The smell was comforting.”
“He set the wildflowers down on the desk. Their stems were broken. He’d been clutching them too tightly.”
“Wylan leaned over his shoulder and felt a hopeless, choking panic grip him… he fought for breath. ‘Jesper, please,’ he begged, his voice thin and reedy. ‘Read it to me.’”
“Jesper pulled him into the chair behind the desk and pressed against Wylan’s shoulder blades, urging him forward. ‘Put your head between your knees, focus on the floor. Breathe.’”
“Wylan forced himself to inhale, exhale, to gaze at those charming blue tulips in their white tile boxes.”
“Wylan took a deep, shuddering breath through his nose. He couldn’t fathom what was happening, couldn’t understand the scope of it.”
“So just do one thing at a time. It was a technique one of his tutors had taught him to try and keep him from getting overwhelmed by the page… Wylan had managed to apply it elsewhere”
“One thing at a time. Stand up. He stood up. You’re fine. ‘I’m fine.’”
“‘We’ll be fine here,’ Wylan managed in a voice that sounded too loud and too hearty to his ears.”
“Wylan studied his mother, his thoughts a jangle of misplayed chords.”
“He’d planned to play it beside her grave like some kind of idiot.”
“Wylan didn’t register the walk down the drive…”
“He hated that Jesper was seeing him cry, but there was nothing he could do, not about the tears, not about any of it. He buried his face in his arms, covering his head as if, were he to only will it strongly enough, he could vanish.”
“‘You don’t understand. It was me. I caused this.’”
“Because through all of it, he’d believed that he deserved his father’s contempt…”
“Wylan wanted to be brave, but he was cold and bruised…”
“Wylan had stayed inside for two days, terrified.”
“His second was that his father had sent someone new to kill him. He gripped his paddle.”
“All Wylan wanted to do was stand as close as he possibly could to him and know that he was safe.”
“‘Kaz,’ Wylan said, twisting the tail of his shirt.”
“Wylan nodded, anxiously. ‘I’d like that.’”
“‘I don’t know why I’m so nervous,’ said Wylan.”
“He’d clenched his hands so tightly in his lap his knuckles had become white stars.”
“‘I can’t read.’ His skin went instantly blotchy, but his voice was steady.”
“Jesper could see the anxiety in his face, what it cost him to speak those words. It made him feel like a coward.”
“Wylan fiddled nervously with the buttons on his shirt.”
“‘It felt like I’d choke on the words. I was so afraid he’d sneer at me. Or just laugh.’”
“... in the afternoons he’d spent sitting in the pantry or curled into a window seat behind a curtain, hoping that everyone would forget him…”
“Wylan drew a line on the floor with his finger.”
“Wylan’s heart stuttered. Sound it out, Wylan. A child half your age can read this without trying. He’d thought he was ready for this.”
“Wylan hesitated. ‘You can go if you need to.’”
“This was the nightmare he’d had countless times as a child - standing in public, his deficiencies exposed.”
“Wylan tried to smile, but Jesper could see he was all nerves.”
“‘I feel like an intruder. Like any minute, my father’s going to barge through that door and tell me to get out.’”
‘“I was terrified. I still am.’ He looked down at the keys and played a gentle chord.”