Me, Myself & I

This you?

so I posted that tumblr meme about king arthur coming back and claiming the throne after the queen dies and then LITERALLY MINUTES LATER THEY ANNOUNCE SHES DEAD AND I COME BACK TO THESE MESSAGES

I KILLED THE QUEEN WITH MEMES WHAT THE FUCK

the entire thing is worded juuust evenly enough to pass any legal obligation, but is still very much a “put the business first or else” type deal. all the little hypotheticals are like “sally is sick today! sally has been sick a lot lately. it is hurting production. you eavesdropped on employees in the breakroom without their knowledge and one said sally was depressed! depression isn’t real and we don’t have to pay for that. confront sally directly and tell her to get her shit together or else! :)” 

Disclaimer: Canon is stupid and I don't respect it

First <<Prev Next>>

Dick: did you take me in cause you’re lonely?

Bruce: ….no

Dick: it’s not polite to lie

~~~~~~~

Bruce: I don’t think I can let a child fight crime

Dick: *looks like he’s going to cry*

Bruce: okaynodon’tdothatyoucanfightalittlecrime

Dick: you’re the best! *leaves to make a costume*

Bruce: …. Alfred he said I’m the best

~~~~~~~

Bruce: don’t play with that, I’m taking it away from you

Dick: I’ll tell Alfred on you *clutches onto Bruce’s cape*

Bruce: … what

Dick: I’ll do it

Bruce:

Dick:

Bruce:

Dick: ALFR-

Bruce: *puts his hand over Dick’s mouth* fine fine fine

~~~~~~~

Dick: Bruce I had a nightmare

Bruce: that’s… not good

Dick: *frowns*

Bruce: do you want to go…. ride in the Batmobile?

Dick: yes!

~Bonus~

Dick: Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce where’s Alfred

Bruce: he went to visit England, remember?

Dick: oh yeah well I’m hungry

Bruce: …. I can make you food

Dick: okay!

~~~~~~~

Bruce: what do we tell Alfred *horrified*

Dick: *shrugs* that sounds like a you problem

Bruce: hnn

Dick: alrighttttt say I didn’t know you can’t put water on grease fires

Bruce: …. okay….. thankyou

Dick: anytime B man

~~~

Jason [literally a 6’0” tall absolute monster of a man who has guns strapped to his thighs, standing in front of several unconscious men]: *waves*

Kori: “baby?”

Roy “I’m already in love” Harper: “baby”

Based on this tweet:

First Next>>

Batman, frantically putting in numbers and calling someone.

Batman: pickuppickuppickup

Dick Grayson, who just got got in bed after a long patrol, groaning.

Dick: Hello? Bruce, what's going on?

Bruce: Dick I need you to come home right now

Dick: what's going on, is everything okay?

Bruce: yes, I just need you to come home

Dick: .... B I can't just come home I have work at the gym tomorrow and-

Jason, in the background: Holy fuck is that a dinosaur?!

Dick: was that a fucking child???

Bruce: ...

Dick: ...

Bruce: ...

Dick: ....

Bruce: yes

Dick, rushing out of bed, knowing good and well Alfred is on vacation and there is no way B can be alone with a new child: what happened?

Bruce: hestolethetiresofftheBatmobile

Dick: ... That doesn't mean you can kidnap him!!

Bruce: I couldn't leave him. He was hungry. We got burgers.

Dick: oh my god, okay, I'm on my way, have you called Alfred?

Bruce: ...no

Dick, rushing down the stairs to his car: Bruce I swear to God you have to tell Alfred

Bruce: what if he's mad at me

Dick: holy child abduction Batman, you have to tell Alfred before he gets back. I'm not dealing with that.

Bruce: ...okay

Dick: okay, I'll be there in an hour, don't let the kid die before I get there. How's he doing?

Bruce: .... I don't see him anymore

Dick: you don't- Bruce!

Bruce: gottogoseeyouwhenyougethere *hangs up*

Dick: he fucking hung up on me- *deep breath* it's fine, I'll be there in an hour, it'll be fine. He watched me all the time growing up, it'll be fine....

Dick: *remembering all the times he and Bruce sat things on fire because Alfred wasn't there*

Dick: ...fuck

Bonus:

Dick: so you stole the tires off the Batmobile?

Jason: yeah, what about it

Dick: I believe this is the start of a beautiful brotherhood

Bruce: oh no

~