𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

ive had really bad tummy pains my entire life and i thought that when I was younger it was just cuz of my anxiety because I got crampy before school or before a race or important event but in the last three years the pain has been unbearable. like I feel like Ill pass out from the pain, i cant walk talk drive or anything. my parents made me to go the doctor and the doctor said she thinks its just anxiety even though I told it IK its not anxiety but she ordered blood work and we found out I have a CRP (a protein that shows up when there is a whole lot of inflammation in the body, ig the average is like a 2.8) of 11.9 which is pretty high. Lowkey I cant wait to see my doctor and be like "oh i thought you said this was Anxiety ;)" and make her feel dumb for making me feel dumb like I dont know my own body (to some extent). Basically though I have a family history of Crohn's and I thought i was gonna be free from the auto immune disorders and stuff but now the next step is going to be a stool test (which idk why she didnt just take this in the first place, we could have had this stupid test out of the way) and then is thats showing that there is inflammation in my tummy then I have to go in and get a camera up the ass and see whether or not I need to get surgeries or medications or what. In the mean time, i just have to try to control the inflamation in my tummy through diet, stress etc. The stupid thing is tho, I actually cant eat shit. Basically anything you put in your body is going to cause some kind of inflamation especially if the inflammation is in your stomach and the food is going in your stomach. I thought this would be easy, eat good healthy food, avoid red meat etc, but i found out that foods that are good for you like fruuts and veggies are actually ass cuz they can irritate your stomach. I was reading that the whole issues is that if you eat bad stuff or your immune system just decides somethings wack and tries to attack your stomach then you get inflammation. The inflamtion causes all this squeezing and kills and damages the intestines menaing that 2/3 of poeple who have the condition all my family members have and that blood work is showing I might have will have to have surgery due to this condition. i dont really care about the surgery tbh, whatever just get it done but its repeated surgeries and it seems like peoples quality of life goes way down because you cant eat so you go on a liquid diet and then you have to go on immunosuppressants because your body is attacking itself so you get sick or infeactions more often because you cant fight shit off. just shoot me already

I got to attend a guest lecture from someone who spoke about the philosophy of loneliness. Basically, the idea is that there is loneliness, the kind we feel from being excluded or not involved socially, but also the kind that comes from a feeling of not belonging or being understood. The lecturer talked about how she left to study abroad and she had generated new ideas, feelings and a part of her own being. She learned to speak Italian, had different affinities for life but when she returned to her home, her friends and family could not share her love, her ideas leading her to feel a sense of loneliness. She felt that a part of her was not being seen. This idea that you should be seen and celebrated for every aspect of your life is important to making you feel full and accepted but when that doesnt happen you feel lonely and like you arent ultimately being seen and appreciated. This idea was really important in how I understood my own loneliness and where I think depression might come from for some people including me. When I was younger I was pretty secluded and since I didnt learn those social skills young I grew up with almost none and an inability to make friends. Ive never had a friend longer than a year and never a good one at that. I feel like Im missing something. As an adult i have gotten into a relationship, one for about two years now but still I feel lonely. I was confused as to why even though we spent almost every second together I still wasnt satisfied. This is by far my longest relationship Ive had ever, either as a friend or romantic partner. Hes fine, not terrible but nether great. When I listened to this lecture i was able to think about our relationship as a whole and where loneliness and love comes from because I feel that they may go hand in hand. My partner, when we first got together used to make fun of the things I like and still, refuses to partake in my hobbies and refuses to show an interest, citing that I prefer things that are made for audiences like myself not him so I shouldnt be angry or hurt that he doesnt like what I like. Still, I make the effort for him to feel loved and seen by interacting and trying to appreciate his own hobbies. Secondly, he has read my diary, so now I am forced to articulate and store my own thoughts and grievances in my own head to avoid them getting into his hands. Thirdly, he needs attention, and mine will never be enough. This is a whole different story about an entire different situation that has had a whole handle on me that I cant delve into again. Another thing is that he did something really really bad but I dont even know what to make of it. All in all, I can say tat Im realizing that the loneliness I feel even though I am in this long relationship. its not because of anything other than this poor relationship I have left myself in. I know only I have the ability to leave and find something else but Im stuck. Im far from home and have no one else near me to family family or friend. I havent been able to make any at school and have invested all my time and love into one person. Obviously the wrong person but what can I do? Truly, I have tried to end things my self a couple times and I hate the feeling or just falling into a deep pit and I need him to keep me out. I guess Im just scared because I dont know what to do. Im a fourth year at school and I feel very disappointed that I haven't done anything that I can be be impressed of. I need to get out of this and figure something out but Im petrified, just thinking about how Ill eternally chase some kind of happiness or high and never find it. Should I just stay where I am where im sfe and not in a deep pit? should I leave and fuck up? I wonder if I can find a place where I can make a better friend and maybe find someone who will see me ultimately and I wont feel so alone? Anyway, the link is https://aeon.co/essays/how-is-it-possible-to-be-loved-and-yet-to-feel-deeply-lonely for creasy and her ideas on loneliness.

Im being so fr, im terrified of math. If i could just get over this fucking hump i swear i could complete world domination and at the very least accomplish all of my dreams