Another Random Blog

It's been a week since my oldest sister died, I can't help but feel angry and betrayed. I've helped take care of our other sister, making sure she eats and takes her medicine because I know she's hit harder. Hell they were best friends and despite being their other sibling I was never privy to being that close to either to them. I don't blame her but it's been a week and it's like everyone, family and friends have forgotten I lost my sister too.

My oldest sister died after a 2 year battle with cancer Wednesday. I haven't cried and I feel inhuman. I feel like I should be crying and a wreck like our other sister is. I've always struggled with my emotions like this and not reacting "typically".

It happened when my great grandmother, paternal and maternal grandmothers passed and paternal grandfather, my father died and I felt nothing though I feel no guilt for that, he was a complete bastard.

I won't be going to the memorial service, I've long had bad social anxiety and going to a service where I'd be with people I've long disowned or been disowned by (being gay in the deep south is tons of fun ya'll), and being judged for not grieving the same way others are. My sister is being understanding and frankly wonderful about it, my baby nephew will be staying with me so my brother in law can focus on supporting her.

My relationship with my eldest sister is hard to explain and maybe I just need to get it out. When I was little and especially a teenager she was my protector, my father (her stepfather) became abusive physically, verbally, and emotionally when I came out of the closet. She always protected me even after she left home, when my parents divorced he spread rumors hinting that he was scared I would assault him in his sleep on social media because I was gay, the next day he deleted his posts and my sister sent me, our other sister, and our mom a message detailing certain things he did and essentially blackmailing him into deleting his rants about me. I could never thank her enough for that.

When our other sister turned 18 their long strained and tumultuous relationship healed and they became best friends. Naively I thought the same thing would happen for us after all she always checked in and visited. When I turned 18 and started living on my own however I quickly became disabused of that notion, the first few months she visited and then stopped. I'll admit I was very clingy but couldn't understand what happened.

Ask to come over? She had guests, was at work, too busy, or not at home. Ask her to come over? Same thing but also she didn't have the gas money to come over (She lived a 10 minute drive away). During our family's Christmas get together I learned my sisters were having weekly dinners and multiple visits at each others house during the week despite the fact our other sister lived 20 minutes away from her. I was pissed but even then I tried to keep up communication but I'd only get one worded answers or sometimes 3 worded. ask how she was doing or how my neice was doing and her response was always good, okay, or fine so eventually I gave up. To this day she only texted me on my birthday or to get our other sister to message her back.