i know i said i was going on a break but this idea had me by the neck!!
prince nikolai of ravka is finally of age to marry, and all of his advisors are suggesting eligible woman after eligible woman.
but nikolai is like fuck this,, i just want to be a pirate.
plus thereβs something so distinctly unromantic about choosing who he wants to be with based on their name and a short description.
the very last princess, however, captures his attention
princess zoya has apparently been trapped in a tower for years now, guarded by a fearsome dragon. his advisors warn him against her, as getting to her in the first place would be A) time consuming, and B) very risky.
βIβLL DO IT,β he announces.
βdo what?β his advisors ask warily.
βRESCUE THE PRINCESS.β
βthatβs literally the exact opposite of what we told you to do.β
and with that statement of complete approval, nikolai sets out to go fight a dragon, help someone who needs it, and hopefully evade marriage for as long as he can.
he picks up a rando along the way, some scientist named david who seems to have been born without a sense of humour.
βcanβt believe iβve got to be my own wise-cracking sidekickβ nikolai mutters to himself after the umpteenth joke that completely goes over davidβs head. oh well. things could be worse!
and then, as is the natural tendency of things, they get worse
the tower is partially crumbled, with only a solitary bedchamber to be seen in the distance. along with the obvious structural defects and poor utilisation of space, the property is also seriously devalued by the giant blue dragon just chilling near the door.
once heβs done being scared witless, nikolai has to admit that thereβs something ferociously beautiful about the dragon.
david opts to stay behind and βbe on the lookoutβ.
βfor what?β nikolai asks in disbelief.
βother dragons,β david says vaguely.
if he was more prone to theatrics, nikolai would have thrown his hands in the air in frustration.
what the hell, he may die soon. he throws his hands in the air in frustration.
βis this that new dance people are talking about?β
βDRAGON,β he says by way of greeting.
βfool,β the dragon rumbles. not a great start, but at least he isnβt nikol-fried.
βI HAVE COME TO RESCUE THE PRINCESS,β
neither speaks for a while.
βis this the end of the conversation? do we fight now?β he ventures.
the dragon bares its teeth in response.
nikolai makes a hasty retreat.
the new plan is to instead attack at night.
near midnight, the whole plain is pitch black, with only the faintest outline of the tower visible. perfect. the dragon is nowhere to be seen, which is less perfect, but that feels like a problem for future nikolai.
present nikolai scales the tower, hoping that the princess is impressed by his upper body strength.
when he hops in through the window, he runs straight into her
zoya has a sword in hand and unfortunately does not look impressed in the slightest.
she does, however, look devastatingly beautiful. and mildly murderous.
βwho are you, and why are you in my bedroom?β
though he may not be able to vanquish dragons, nikolai definitely knows his way around a grand romantic speech.
βiβm Prince Nikolai of Ravka, and i have come to rescue you. but not to marry you!! you were just the furthest away and most inconvenient princess.β
she actually snorts. itβs very unladylike.
βi donβt need rescuing.β
βreally? but this placeβ¦ the architectural flawsβ¦.β
βi like it here,β she fixes him with a stare.
βokay, okay, fair enough. at least let me help you redecorate.β
this is purely a charitable impulse. it has nothing to do with how she may be the most gorgeous person he has ever seen in his entire life, and he owns a mirror, so that really means something.
she points the sword to his neck.
βif you try and take me from here, iβll kill you.β
βwe can start with wallpaper,β he says in response.
he gets david to bring paint, wallpaper, and the contents of medieval ikea.
slowly, the tower starts looking like a place that someone could live in.
slowly, he starts getting to know zoya better and she stops looking at him so suspiciously.
deciding he wants to spend more time with her happens fast.
as they work, she regales him with tales of other princes and princesses who have come to try and rescue her. most turned away after seeing the dragon. the rest she defeated in sword fight, and they left in shame.
βis this a rite of passage for royalty?β she wonders aloud.
βit makes for a good story,β he says, and then pauses and considers.
βbut maybe the princess saving herself would be a better story.β he thinks he catches her smiling, but she flicks paint at him and turns away before he can be sure.
theyβre nearly done with the lightning print wallpaper when she asks, all of a sudden, βwhat are you still doing here?β
βavoiding marriage.β Β
βyou donβt ever want to get married?β
βi donβt want to marry someone i donβt love, and princes arenβt really allowed to fall in love,β he says, even as he suspects that he may have already broken this rule. βweβre supposed to marry whoever is the richest and most convenient.β
βprincesses arenβt really allowed to fall in love, either,β she says, like itβs a confession. βweβre supposed to marry whoever storms into our tower first, even if weβre only nine, and the prince is fifty.β
she busies herself after this, but nikolai remembers her saying that the dragon had only ever killed one person, and understands her a little better than he did before.
when they are, by anyoneβs standard, done with their decorating, and when he is, by anyoneβs standard, absolutely gone for her, nikolai reluctantly goes up to the tower one final time to say goodbye.
βiβm sorry for trying to storm your tower.β
βiβm sorry for trying to kill you.β
but he knows that neither of them are really sorry at all.
βif you ever decide to go on vacation, ravka is quite beautiful at all times of the year. weβve even got some towers, so youβd feel at home.β
she smiles, loose and silly, and he thinks maybe heβd scale a hundred towers and fight all the dragons in the world to see it again.
βmaybe iβll come storm your castle.β
βiβd like that,β he says quietly. a complicated expression passes over zoyaβs face, and then she passes him empty paint containers to take on his way out.
nikolai mopes all the way back to ravka, and for once is thankful that david isnβt prone to making jokes.
βwait, werenβt we supposed to bring the princess with us?β david asks as they reach os alta.
βshe didnβt want to come with us.β
βso you made me carry all of that swedish furniture for nothing?β
βthat wasnβt a romantic ploy.β he splutters. βit was justβ¦ doing a nice thing for someone.β david is unconvinced.
βzoya said she might come and visit,β nikolai says, more to himself than to david, and spends every single day after they get back waiting to see her walking through the gates of the castle.
after about a month, he starts to lose hope. she did seem very attached to that tower.
two months later, when he hears news of a giant blue dragon flying towards ravka, his first thought is that itβs coming to belatedly kill him for trying to storm the castle.
disturbingly, heβs just glad to see a reminder of the weirdest and most marvellous few weeks of his life.
the dragon disappears into a nearby forest, and the soldiers busy themselves with preparing a defence.
in the clamour, nikolai sneaks out to the forest.
as heβs walking around, wondering if it should really be this hard to find a dragon, he spots zoya in a clearing. Β
her sword is out, and he feels a sudden sense of nostalgia.
βwhen you said youβd storm my castle, i didnβt think you meant it literally.β
βi had to return the favour,β she says.
βand also i had toβ¦.β she hesitates, and then kisses him.
itβs warm and wonderful and even if the dragon burns him alive in the next few seconds, heβd still feel as if heβd lived the best life that any man could.
what do you say when your most fragile fantasies, the ones you keep hidden in the dustiest corner of your mind for fear that if you think about them too much youβll never think about anything else, come true?
βthe swedish furniture worked.β
βiβm rescuing myself,β she corrects.
βare you staying?β heβs never hoped for anything harder.
βif youβll have me,β which is a completely ridiculous condition, because sheβs only the most amazing person heβs ever met. the utter confusion shows on his face.
zoya sucks in a breath. itβs the first time heβs ever seen her look nervous. she gives him a wry smile and says, βhere goes.β
and then she turns into THE dragon.
in hindsight,,,, nope. nopity nope. he was absolutely not expecting that at all.
sheβs only her scaled scarily beautiful self for a few seconds before she transforms back to her normal scarily beautiful self.
βcould you love me still?β she asks, her voice raw.
in lieu of an answer, he holds his hand out to her, and lets his fingers briefly become shadowy talons.
βcould you love me still?β he echoes.
βat least iβm a pretty beast. which discount magician did you have to devour for your claws?β she queries as she takes his hand, with a smile so brilliant that itβs hard for him to be offended.
they get married in their alternate forms, though it takes them forever to find someone courageous enough to officiate.
finally, a girl named nina offers to do it, but sheβs not quite normal either. there are rumours that she can control the dead.
and after that?? well. even monsters deserve a happy ending.
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