Welcome To The Tortured Showgirl Department

anyone else got problems

no you’re the only one

ok. sorry

Im glad they made up romance for stories and music but can you imagine how scary it would be to deal with all that for real

do u wanna come over n just lay in bed

stop posting about your badly behaved dog i mean husband online if you’re going to get upset with the people telling you he’s a bite risk. “look at what my husband packed me for my lunch” and it’s the most insulting low effort assortment of snacks you’ve ever seen accompanied with a note that says “i see you as subhuman”. “ugh guys stop telling me my husband doesn’t respect me you’re not the ones in the relationship you don’t know what he’s really like” yes i do and i think you should have him put down.

“I know what that means” would send me into psychosis

men be like “apparently hating women makes u a misogynist 😂😂”

slamming your knights visor down when you’re finished talking to them, like slamming the phone back on the receiver.

can i fall asleep on your chest while you play with my hair?

guy who just had like 3 weeks to do several things and didn’t do them: boy i need a week off!

I'm probably someone's "not this guy again" on Tumblr

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

At some point in your life you will be adding garlic to a dish and you will think "that is not enough garlic." These are angels speaking. They are correct. Add more garlic.