Personalinity

Been struggling bad with my anxiety this week.

I had a week off University last week, and so when I had to go in on Monday I was flooded with so many fears and emotions. I know how stupid they are, and that people probably don’t care about what I’m wearing realistically, or that my hair is greasy, or that I look exhausted. 

This year, in particular, something changed in me and I have such a desire to try and make myself better. I know I’ll never be cured from my anxiety, it is in everything I do, every where I go, and in everyone I meet. My anxieties are everywhere. But, what I’m really looking to do is to find a way to make myself feel better in those situations, something I can do or something I can say that will help calm my nerves. I just want to be able to do things without the constant fear. 

I attended a workshop the other week at my university, and I learnt a lot. It gave me different things to consider when things do get tough, or things do go wrong. They are yet to change my life, because I tend to keep forgetting them when things go wrong, and so I’m contemplating tattoo-ing a quote or something on my arm. But, something I have learnt is the power of CALMING yourself down before going out. I tend to youtube a relaxing, breathing orientated exercise for around 5-10 minutes. Personally, as an incredibly anxious person, my muscles are constantly tight, my mind is constantly in over drive, and `I tend to shake sometimes. When I do these exercises, I feel so relaxed like I’m living in a bubble. A dream. I’d honestly, recommend anyone with anxiety to try, its hard to keep up with it everyday, and I admit I do fail too.

This blog also makes me feel anxious. I felt excited when I first decided to do it, but then I’m also insanely scared of being judged, failing, saying something stupid...oh, hello there anxiety :) here it is. lol.  But, I’m not going to give up just yet with it. I enjoy this idea of online blogging, like my own diary.

What I am proud of myself for doing this week is trying new styles of clothes. Even though its been failing miserably so far and it just makes me anxious.

I’m writing this blog post whilst I feel myself to be in a more positive mindset, so I can reflect on it when I am feeling bad again so that I can see it isn’t always bad, and that I do have hope for my anxiety.

cheesy. Not a very personal post, maybe I’ll delve into it into the future, but this is my overview to whats to come with my thoughts. 

I wasn’t sure what to make of my thoughts on this film when I first read the synopsis. Because of that, I decided to just leave any critics reviews or any comments on twitter regarding the film out of my mind and to just watch this film for what it was. 

I absolutely adore season one of True Detective, it was one of the first instances in which I became a Woody Harrelson fan, and so to see his credit in this movie did excite me. His role in the movie and his performance was incredibly gripping and emotional, and it really did drive a huge element of the film for Frances McDormand’s character. The powerful performances of Frances McDormand and Sam Rockwell were also incredibly real and the movie wouldn’t have been the same without their portrayals. Not only was the script tense, sometimes humourous and emotional, but the performance of them by the two was incredibly deep and compelling. 

Besides that, I really did find interest in the film. I absolutely loved how raw and realistic it was, the whole moral stance, police brutality, rape and racism are all heavy elements in this film, creating a very tense and tonal atmosphere. The story was also very dark and had a few unexpected moments, especially the ending. For what it was, I didn’t expect the ending to be so open to interpretation, and for a few moments I felt as if I wanted more of an explanation- did they ever find him? did they actually do what they set out to do in the car?... but then I decided it was better off left where it was. 

The Killing of a Sacred Deer is the exact movie I wanted it to be. But, afterwards I kind of wish it wasn’t. From what I’d heard around the film after its win at the Cannes Festival for Best Screenplay, the movie completely captured the awkward, eerie atmosphere that I crave.

The performances in this movie are I n c r e d I b l e. I mean, I honestly feel like this movie’s success has to hand most of it to the actors, how erratic, enigmatic, strange and innocent they were all appearing at once. This is especially true for Barry Keoghan, who played Martin. Every time he was on screen he immediately made me feel intrigued yet uncomfortable, his facial expressions and delivery of lines constantly leaving shivers. At times this is how I also felt towards Colin Farrel’s character, yet I admit to having more sympathy for Steven. A man who made a mistake has to pay the price. This constantly left me, personally, in suspense. How unnerving these characters are.  I mean, it can’t really be avoided, the sense of unease and uncomfortableness. The movie at all times building up intensity surrounding the mystery of the characters, who is playing mind games to who? The constant reminder of justice and revenge in this movie was also incredible, the theme of playing God and Devil an element I’m not alone in loving. 

I wouldn’t have trusted Kim, daughter of Dr. Steven and Anna Murphy, as far as I could throw her. The time she was on screen I was seriously begging Steven to chose her (which I think is both due to the incredibly script writing and work that went into making her character as selfish (?) and craving as she was, but also due to Raffey Cassidy’s amazing performance). If you have watched the movie (or even if you haven’t, and are going to) the MP3 scene with her brother Bob... just not cool with me. Bob, on the other hand, really tugged my heart strings. Unlike the other characters, I couldn’t put my finger on his agenda. The only time he seemed to attempt to save himself was when he cut his hair off, trying to please Steven and to win him over. 

Yet, even though the movie was full of its complexities, strange events, mysterious characters and more, I couldn’t help but be dissatisfied at the ending. I felt like not only was I feeling void, but the movie was. But, I have read some theories and connections to the greek play Iphigenia at Aulies by Euripides, that made the movie feel more whole and interesting. 

Also, I probably shouldn’t be shocked at this anymore, but Nicole Kidman is excellent.

I feel like this entire review is messy, which is slightly annoying for my first one on this blog, and I have so much more to say than I have. But, I’m going to end there before I explode into a hot mess. I watched this movie two days ago and I wanted to plant my initial reactions and thoughts as soon as possible. I feel like this is definitely a movie to dwell on for the rest of the year. 

So, I’ve decided to start a blog. I’m unsure whether its because I got a MacBook this year and so I’m feeling like the new it girl, or whether I’m doing that thing again where I feel like I’m going to commit to something productive but then never do. I’m also feeling incredibly inspired by my boyfriend, who writes articles and incredible creative writing pieces. With that said, I’m hoping to develop a blog full of my thoughts and feelings, how my anxiety is going, film reviews, and just general life stuff (and of course, lots of aesthetically pleasing reblogs of landscapes and pets). I’m not sure if anyone is going to care or want to read any of this, but I’m not yet sure if that completely bothers me. But, it probably will. I also want to find fellow bloggers doing the same things, so I’m gonna go on the hunt now.

Anyway, I’m going to end this post here before I splurge all my energy on this one post, and as a result leave none left for future posts.

xoxo, Gossip Girl.

Kidding, even though I sometimes wish I could pull a gossip girl on some people.