Give me some coffee then we'll talk

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the idea of shane having a separate small fridge in the garage where he keeps frozen mice for spaghetti, but this means when ilya asks about it in passing while shane is looking for water shoes, he's distracted and just goes, "oh, drinks and spaghetti" and ilya just ??? you have?? freezer just for pasta????? actually no this sounds like a Rule you would make yeah sure why not.

Spaghetti is all curled up and a little stressed out, since Shane so rudely removed him from his favorite piece of bark. But hey, this is nice and warm, and oooh, wow, that's a cave! Spaghetti likes caves.

In less than three seconds Spaghetti has slithered inside Ilya's sleeve. He is standing very still. There is a snake slowly wriggling over his armpit and he is not going to scream because he is So Incredibly Manly. The snake has flickered its tongue over Ilya's chest. He can feel its tiny snake nose poking around his nipple. If this snake bites his nipple he will make Shane sleep on the couch.

The snake climbs up to Ilya's neck and settles in a squiggly-shape on his shoulder, with its head peeking out of his collar. Shane turns around to put the disinfectant bottle away and pauses.

"Awww!" he coos. "You look so cozy!"

"Yes, he is very cozy." Ilya says. His voice is a little high-pitched. "Maybe he should go back now. We interrupted his nap."

"Oh, it's fine for him to be out a little longer," Shane says. "You're warm, he likes you."

"Well, it was rude to disturb him. Probably we should let him rest." Ilya says, trying to dislodge the invader from his shirt. Fucker. It's a good shirt and now he's stretching it out trying to evict a reptile. The things he does for love.

Shane takes pity on him and scoops Spaghetti out of Ilya's collar, then drapes him over a plant and shuts the enclosure door.

"You were very brave, babe." he tells Ilya, and kisses his cheek.

"I was not scared. I am very strong, very cool hockey player. It takes more than a little animal to scare me." Ilya lies.

the idea of this corn snake chilling in the equivalent of a snake mansion is KILLING ME. there are children with less space and enrichment than spaghetti.

also shane at 18 was still making an impression on his team in montreal and knew by then that "hey, i have a snake" gets side eyes he doesn't necessarily want, so only hayden knows about spaghetti on the montreal team, but after he's on the ottawa team, spaghetti comes up because ilya needs someone to understand his pain, and it becomes a superstition that if spaghetti eats his mouse no problem, then they have good luck for the next 10-14 days until he eats again. shane literally get @'d if the team knows it's Spaghetti Feeding Day and he doesn't report in of his own accord.

ilya HATES this superstition. it's not enough that the snake lives in the same house as him where he lays his sweet head each night. now spaghetti is even in the groupchat. he gets ASKED about SPAGHETTI THE SNAKE at his JOB!!!! he has SUFFERED!! more than JESUS!!!

reblogging with my own tags because i'm actually so emotional about the idea of shane like. not expecting ilya to interact with or even like spaghetti. shane knows people don't like snakes. (even his mom put on a good show, but he knows she does NOT fuck with spaghetti as a concept and was happy when he moved out along with shane to montreal). spaghetti gets introduced to ilya at the cottage, but like. the snake has his own room for a reason. a lot of people don't like snakes, and shane has also had the reptile owner experience of people even wanting his pet to be dead or talking about how they would kill him. so shane doesn't talk a lot about spaghetti, and he KNOWS ilya does not like his snake. and that's okay. ilya is willing to be in the same house as spaghetti and not say anything bad about him, and that's good enough.

and i am SO in my feelings imagining ilya getting to shane's house earlier than him one day during the season when they're still long distance and shane finding him in spaghetti's room talking to him. and ilya is clearly a little unnerved by this snake but is just, "if you could do less with the tongue, i think would be better for me, if you can manage this. *pause* see, no, it feels like you just did EXTRA tongue thing just because i asked you not to." and shane is??? hello??? what are you doing???

and ilya is a little flustered getting caught talking to spaghetti but also says he was trying to get used to spaghetti because he knows shane likes carrying him around but doesn't when ilya is over, and ilya doesn't want him to not get to carry his pet around if he wants to just because of him.

@merliren

tears in my eyes laughing at the idea of yuna drinking her wine and thinking, "oh you poor fool," because she senses a kindred "does NOT fuck with snakes" spirit, but that's something shane gets to handle on his own.

but meanwhile ilya who had not previously considered the idea that the snake could ever comprehend or desire escaping his enclosure is just when the snake did WHAT

But I also really enjoy the idea of him saying something bitchy under his breath once, that just happens to be caught by one of the gay guys at the party, and now he's surrounded by the loudest, outest, gayest men who are all gleefully pointing to various people at the party or shoving their phones in his face to hear his bitchy opinions.

They form a big group, and eventually Ilya comes along thinking he has to rescue Shane, but he quickly realizes Shane is having a great time being judgemental with the lads.

To be clear, Shane still knows nothing about fashion, but he knows what looks stupid, and he knows when people are trying too hard, and he knows what good, expensive shit looks like so he can clock any knock-off from a mile away.

And the gays can help point out why the things he thinks are ugly are, in fact, ugly.

I also really like the idea of him ganging up with Kip at the awards night and just reading all the other hockey players to filth. Like, Kip just giddy and giggling at his side while Shane systematically destroys every person who walks by (his husband included). He's quoting stats. He's bringing up known (and sometimes unknown) character flaws. He's pulling old plays from memory and breaking down exactly why and how that player fucked up and what it means about him as a person.

But after he and Ilya come out, something shifts. His hair's a little longer, his shoulders are a little looser, and suddenly he's not Shane Hollander, hottest boy next door. Suddenly he's, Shane Hollander, who obviously just had sex and is radiating how good it was at ALL TIMES.

His latest underwear billboard causes three fender benders and goes viral.

When he tops Cosmopolitan's list of hottest hockey players (again) with a bullet (AGAIN) he shows up to the photoshoot with an obvious hickey and asks them not to cover it up because "Ilya wants people to see his handywork."

The world was not prepared for Shane Hollander, the Man who Fucks. Ilya couldn't be happier.

Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, socially, financially.

Life is asking a lot right now.

Pause when you can. Breathe when you remember.

Safe foods that fit Shane's diet are a harder one to crack. At one point Ilya has a spreadsheet. Yuna colour codes it. When they have what they think are solid options, Ilya trials them and then offers emoji updates to Yuna in real time about the results. Ilya's Recently Used dashboard is messed up for WEEKS, but it's worth it. The winning foods are bought in multiples, made in bulk, Tupperware'd, labelled, organised, frozen. Shane tears up a little when he opens the freezer and realises that he spent their offday with Arthur at the science museum, and Ilya spent it making sure he could eat without a meltdown when his brain says no to almost everything and he's too shutdown to make choices.

Shane likes going to Ikea when it's quiet there and they're not likely to be mobbed for selfies. He never used to go to, because he'd have a great time at first but then he'd always eventually have to leave feeling suddenly upset and overwhelmed, but with Ilya, it's fun. He likes walking through the little showroom bits pointing out the things he thinks are neat, and he likes talking about how various things fit into small spaces conveniently and he likes the ingenious storage solutions and he likes the many, many organising options and he really likes that so many things are standardised. He loves the stuffed animals - DJUNGELSKOG and BLÅHAJ and BLÅVINGAD are all very soft and squeezable and they have several in a guest room closet for when he wants something to hug that isn't Ilya or Anya. While he wanders and feels things and pokes at little boxes and shelves, Ilya makes sure to that they are at least 15 metres from the candle section at all fucking times, because the intensity of the fumes from that shit will send Shane into an overstimulation spiral in 0.075 seconds, and FUCK that.

Shane strains a muscle at practice one day, and has to stay late with the PT for a massage. He comes home gritting his teeth and snappy and takes an extra long shower, despite having showered at the rink already. After a blowjob and a smoothie and some intense cuddles, it comes out that the medicinal smell of the standard-issue, basically universally used therapeutic massage oil the PT uses - that all sports PTs Shane has ever seen use - makes Shane want to punch a baby. Overnight Ilya suddenly develops a terrible allergy to it, and it's banned from the arena and all team use by close of business the next day. It's a much less stressful minor injury rehab than any Shane has ever had. He stops skipping his massages unless dragged in by his ear, he's a lot looser after hard games, and Ilya definitely benefits*.