@lauroftheuniverse

My mans unlocked a higher level of synesthesia

I wish I was a female tiger because then if I was talking to someone and I was getting off topic I could say “but I tigress,” and then kill and eat them because I am a tiger

Sometimes you gotta stop worrying about being the smartest and funniest person in the room and just enjoy being in a room with smart and funny people

I really implore y'all to stop letting the need to prove yourself get in the way of just enjoying life and the people you share it with. I'm using the word "implore" so y'all know I'm serious about it, btw

No it's not that I don't appreciate the flirting, I just wish you wouldn't do it while I'm in the middle of vivisecting you. Yes I know that it's really hot when I'm covered in your blood elbow deep in your chest cavity that's why I keep vivisecting you. But I keep getting flustered and dropping your liver and its really slippery so I keep dropping it over and over again leading to very comedic slapstick comedy where I slip on your blood and fall over really funny

posts that are significantly funnier with timestamps. what the fuck was i doing on christmas posting this