Love Is a Sexy Little Prick

It’s all starting to hit me now. The fact that my entire adult life is soon to be over. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic or anything. Nor am I looking for sympathy. I sit here in my room that I share and I realize that this is probably the last time I will ever live with someone who isn’t someone I am in a committed relationship with. I figure once you live on your own you never really go back. Coming to that realization has brought tears to my eyes.

All I see is my future. And let me tell you, it looks pretty bright. I see forward to what the next few chapters of what my life has in store for me. Like I said, the next person I see myself sharing living spaces with is someone I am committed to. Which means that a serious relationship cannot be too far away. I don’t say this to hurt you. I say this to inform you that I am just as afraid of moving on as you are to have me move on. I can’t see myself loving anyone but you. I can’t see myself marrying anyone but you. I can’t see myself truly happy with anyone but you. But it will happen. And it needs to happen. This entire move is in hopes of it happening.

You have made me the craziest I have ever been. No one has ever ignited such a flame in my heart that resulted in such passion. I loved you deeply and truly and a part of me feels like I will never experience something so intense ever again.

I believe everything happens for a reason. That we all have some purpose in this world. That there is a reason for all the fucked up shit that happens to good people. Maybe that was your purpose. Maybe you were brought into my life to show me my limits. To show me how far I will go for love and how far is too far. Or maybe we were meant to be something amazing. Something that they write about in books and act out in movies, but we somehow met a little too early.

I would have loved to see the alternate ending to our compelling love story. To see the part where you came back from the Disney program, knocked on my door with daisies and a Dr. Pepper in hand, and a well put together speech you thought of and memorized on the car ride back to California. And we kiss and it is pure magic and we ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

But as the song goes, “you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need”. I need this move. I need to show myself that I am capable of living in a world without you. That I am capable of picking myself back up after heartbreak. I need to know a world without you in it, so that maybe you can be someday.

I have many bad habits that I need to quit. Cigarettes. Caffeine. And you. Like a drug, we started out feeling amazing, feeling powerful and alive. We experienced so many new feelings we didn’t know we possessed. But like a drug, we slowly stopped being able to recognize ourselves in the mirror. We both became things we swore we would never be. Violent. Controlling. Spiteful. Unfaithful. Ect. The with drawl from you was the worst pain I have ever been in but our relationship was the most beautiful.

I will  always cherish the moment my eyes locked on yours on Wednesday September 26, 2012. That moment I knew my life would never be the same. I smile anytime I see anything Disney related. Rivers of Babylon will forever ring in my ears.

I am horrible with goodbyes, and if I saw you I fear I’d never leave. So I write this well thought out last sentiment to you my love. I will always love you and I may never love anyone in the same way I loved you. You hold my heart. I wish you nothing but happiness. I am so proud of the person you have become and I can’t wait to brag about our relationship someday when you make it big. You will do amazing things.

I love you.

I’ll miss you.

See ya later,