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the clash of "i need to rest on my day off" vs "if I rest now NOTHING will get done". yay broken motivation system and feelings of intense guilt at not getting anything done
queer rep goes thru these cycles where every couple of years lgbt people are like "we get no rep in media and the representation we do get is way too sanitized and it feels so fake and flat. wheres the queer characters that are messy and flawed and REAL??"
then someone gets brave and makes a character who is a real bastard and makes all the wrong choices and is maybe even malicious at times and they make this character explicitly queer. and then fans are like "this is what you think of us?? worst representation ever" and the creator gets absolutely lambasted, ESPECIALLY if theyre queer themselves
then everyone else sees this and either thinks its too risky to include a queer character, or wants to make sure they're only doing the good and nice representation with no flaws or mistakes
then queer people are like "we get no rep in media and the representation we do get is way too sanitized and
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i really need to shake some people and say “being passive in every situation does not mean you are not making active choices and it does not absolve you from harming others. consistently choosing to do nothing in every situation and believing that you couldn’t have possibly been the problem because you chose inaction and not a more agressive approach can in fact also be harmful.” because this keeps happening and its driving me nuts
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Back from the dead after a week of fever, coughing and stuffy nose. Thankfully, this lovely Inquisitor has helped me recover quickly, because...well, just look at him, hahah.
Commission for @in-the-drowning-deep with their lovely Lucien Trevelyan, as part of my YCH Animated Portraits.
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i think it's a normal response to go aveline SUCKS to refusing to toss fenris' file but also. in the spirit of thinking abt her character thru the lens of a character who's rly, rly trying not to see the contradiction between being a good person and being a cop, i want to break it down, bc it is kind of her whole deal.
Aveline: Are you safe, Fenris?
Fenris: No.
Aveline: You know, some guards give people the opportunity to lie if it will keep the peace.
Fenris: You can see what I am. Lie to yourself if you must.
even before she becomes guard captain, she's still trying to consolidate her friendship w fenris into her overall framework of 'guards = good.' this to me is a copout (badumtsh), and i think that's part of why fenris responds so bluntly. he understands his position, and he understands that he exists outside of aveline's desired worldview; aveline is the one tying herself in knots going okay guards are good but sometimes guards lie but when guards lie it's still good because it's abt keeping the peace. and fenris tells her flat out that she's the one lying. and he is right.
then she becomes guard captain and they have the infamous conversation abt what aveline found in fenris' file, essentially:
Aveline: You are known, Fenris.
Fenris: What?
Aveline: I'm going through Jeven's neglected reports. Some involve you. And requests about you.
Fenris: By whom?
Aveline: I don't know. They're old, poorly kept. But you should be on your best behavior.
Fenris: Thank you for getting rid of them.
Aveline: I didn't.
again, aveline is being forced to confront what she believes is right with this other thing she believes is right. she splits the difference: she gives fenris a heads up, but she doesn't get rid of the reports. compromise. belief system/sense of self intact.
except are they? bc she's still rly struggling.
Aveline: All right, I'm just going to say it. Fenris, you need to present yourself better.
Fenris: What are you talking about?
Aveline: You're squatting in Hightown. I sympathize with your claims, but your neighbors have influence.
Fenris: My claims?
Aveline: To the estate. "Rightfully stolen" isn't exactly something I can forward to the Viscount. Be more discreet about... yourself.
Fenris: I shall endeavor to exist with less offense.
incredible zinger from mister deadpan
aveline's still working overtime to keep these two competing (mutually exclusive) needs in balance. fenris can you just make it easier for me. fenris will you just try to be respectable. fenris i need you to pls pls stop ripping my brain in half.
but it's! not! working!
Aveline: Fenris, did you consider my offer for you to train the guard in Tevinter fighting techniques? I've heard nothing.
Fenris: My abilities were inflicted, not taught. I will not pass that on.
Aveline: Some good should come of them.
Fenris: No.
okay well what if fenris could just help the guard. then it all balances out. she can justify all the work she's doing to smooth things over for him if he's helpful to the guard, this is keeping the peace, sometimes little lies are necessary.
bc she is absolutely working hard to smooth things over for him:
Fenris: It feels good to be captain of the guard, yes?
Aveline: No, I will not change the patrols around your mansion again. There's already been too many questions.
Fenris: You wound my pride with such accusations.
Aveline: But you were going to ask.
Fenris: Eventually.
Aveline: (Laughs) I'll look at the roster and see what I can do.
enough that he feels comfortable bringing it up w her — joking w her. she even laughs. she's not sitting on jeven's reports, considering turning him in. she's doing what she says she can't do and pretending this isn't going to be in conflict w what she feels she owes kirkwall as guard captain forever. eventually she will be able to reconcile what she says are her values w what she's actually doing; eventually, fenris will do smth that allows her to reconcile those feelings.
but that never happens.
Aveline: Do you feel like a citizen, Fenris?
Fenris: Excuse me?
Aveline: You've been in Kirkwall as long as I have. Does it feel like home?
Fenris: I have no comparison, really. It feels like a free place.
Aveline: Maybe that's enough.
Fenris: We shall see.
she is anxious. 'maybe that's enough.' is it? is it enough for her? is she rly okay w all of this as it is?
Aveline: There's a war coming. Does it feel different, fighting by choice?
Fenris: You were never ordered to kill?
Aveline: I was a soldier, but I was willing.
Fenris: I was willing, as well, but not by choice. (Laughs) If that makes any sense.
Aveline: Does anything in this mess?
she does think abt what her position means. she thinks abt the contradictions inherent to her roles bc she can't avoid them. they haunt her — it's been almost a decade since she was a soldier when this dialogue happens.
in fact, she's been thinking abt them the whole time:
Bethany: Being a guardsman seems like a better life than being a soldier.
Aveline: Oh?
Bethany: My brother was a soldier. It's all about taking land and serving some king you've never met.
Bethany: Guardsmen, they do something real. They protect people. They make their lives better.
Aveline: I don't know if I agree.
Bethany: Neither would my brother.
like every single other companion in da2, aveline's worldview is constantly under threat, internally and externally. it is under threat in act 1, and act 2 brings it to a boiling point — w catastrophic consequences. by act 3, aveline, in keeping w the themes of the game, will either double down hard or make the more vulnerable decision that puts her at risk.
her arc is by no means a feat of mastery, but i think there's still plenty to mine there. tbh i think not engaging w what she has to offer narratively means you miss out on a lot of the ugliness of kirkwall, but also how precarious everything is — esp when aveline is interacting w extremely vulnerable ppl, like fenris, whom she cares abt immensely. and yet he upends her worldview. and yet she does not always treat him in a way that indicates she fully understands how vulnerable he is. and yet, the first thing she asks him is, 'are you safe?'
