Mindfulness: The “How” Skills
The How Skills tell you how to do the What skills. They are non-judgmentally, one-mindfully, and effectively.
↳ Defined: Notice but don’t assess. There is no “good,” “bad,” “right,” or “wrong” when you’re being non-judgmental. The facts (who, what, when, where, and why) are to be taken into account; personal opinions are not.
“The sky is blue,” not “the sky is blue and I hate the color blue.”
“I’m really tired,” not “I’m really tired because I’m lazy and incapable.”
“I’ve been having a hard time lately,” not “I’m having a hard time because I’m a failure and can’t do anything right.”
“This conversation is making me feel angry,” not “I’m getting angry because Sharon is being ridiculous; she’s always out to get me!”
↳ Practice: Try to be non-judgmental in at least one situation today. If at any point you notice yourself judging, don’t judge yourself further. Noticing your judgmental thoughts is a sign of progress! So if it happens, just accept that it did and then try to move your thoughts back to a non-judgmental stance. You may have to do this several times.
↳ Defined: This is a very important skill, as it’s an underlying requirement to truly master the majority of the other skills. One-mindfully is about taking control of your mind, and rooting yourself in the present moment. One-mindfully has to do with accepting that the present moment is really all we can control.
When you’re doing something, do only that thing.
While reading, just read. If you find yourself lost in your thoughts, re-read the page over and over again until you’re completely in the moment.
While eating, just eat. Don’t eat while watching TV or while driving.
While taking a shower, focus solely on the task at hand. Bathe yourself, pay attention to the feel of the water hitting your back. If you start thinking about what you have to do before the day/before bed, gently bring yourself back to the present moment. Do this over and over again if necessary.
↳ Practice: Find a task to be mindful of today. Do only that thing. Lose yourself in the task at hand.
↳ Defined: To be effective is to do what works. It’s not to do what you believe is “right,” “wrong,” “fair,” or “unfair.”
↳ Example: A family is behind on rent. Their child really wants money for a new gaming console, but the parents know they can’t afford it. Although they’re sad because they cannot provide their child with the money, they know it’s the best choice for now. Likewise, though frustrated, the child effectively understands that his parents cannot afford the gaming console right now.
↳ Practice: Think of the last time you fought hard to make your point. Did you do what was effective, or did you “cut off your nose to spite your face?”
Sources: Julia’s personal DBT notes, further edited for Borderline Bravery.
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