The Peasant Diaries

 January is a weird month. There’s no other way to say it. It’s a transition month and with any form of transition, a lot of s**t comes up (Sheryl Paul sums it up in the best possible way here).

    After the pure chaos that accompanies most of December, there is a form of a “come down” that occurs when the holidays end, the excessive and unnecessary spending lets up, the parties stop, the binge eating and drinking ceases, the perpetual hangover finally dissipates (hopefully) and Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” finally stops playing on repeat (much to my shagrin). It’s a time of year that can be filled with family and love (and sadness for many) but it can also be a physically and emotionally draining time with many people finding themselves exhausted and relieved for it all to be over with.            

…….and this is when January begins.

    In the ultimate contradiction, it begins as both a death and as a fresh new beginning. Always a scary word to hear, especially in our society, but the end of a year is truly a death. Physically, it marks the end of another year gone by in our life and emotionally it can mark the death of many things that we process either consciously or subconsciously. On the other hand, with plentiful New Year’s resolutions and intentions made, it is also the start of hope; hope for the year to come with renewed energy behind new (or old) goals and dreams. This is why January is such a unique month - because it marks both death and life at the same time. It calls on us to mourn and let go but to also hope and dream……….. however, it seems that most move right to the goal-setting and resolution-making and actually skip the more important (and obviously harder) stage which is the actual mourning / letting go.

    Whether we recognize it or not, and especially after the madness of December, there is a part of ourselves, our soul, that yearns for introspection; for some hibernation; for stillness; for solitude. I believe that January calls out to us to press the pause button and take a look around both internally and externally. It begs us to ask, what do I want? More love, a new job, more money, etc. are all great but what about the yearnings of the soul. What does IT want? If we listen, January pushes us to question what is working. What can be released? And most importantly, what no longer serves us that needs to be needs to be let go?

    Letting go can be a complicated concept because it can mean something different to any person. Of course the fundamental idea of releasing something in your life is a common thread, but besides that ‘letting go’ is a bit amorphous in its meaning and even more so in its execution. It gets even more complicated because we often push ourselves instead of listening to ourselves and ignore the calling to go within to see and feel what is going on inside of us. We have to slow down. We have to really listen. It could mean saying no to that date or that dinner or even a workout class……..but hearing what our body and soul really have to say will never happen by keeping ourselves constantly busy and saying “yes” when we really need to be saying “no” (or “maybe later”).

    We decide that we need to let go of something but we expect it to happen right then and there. Often times, we (consciously or unconsciously) expect the process to be over with when we make the choice to free ourselves. We want the instant gratification of feeling the relief of fully letting go without going through the process, which can be physically and emotionally messy. But the truth is that letting go is fundamentally messy because it will *always* bring up your s**t.

     Maybe letting go is a clearly defined path for some where the next step is clear as day but maybe for others it’s a long winding, confusing road that takes you two steps forward and one step back. Perhaps it brings up those difficult feelings of confusion, frustration, sadness, anger, fear and of course uncertainty but perhaps processing those feelings is exactly what needs to happen for the shedding to occur to set the stage for some immense growth. At the end of the day, serious growth rarely seems to happen when dealing with the “easy” emotions of joy, contentment and ease. This is not to say that these things are not important in life because they very much are and should be embraced with open arms. In no way shape or form should you solely focus on the “difficult” emotions and ignore joy and happiness for the sake of growth. They should both be embraced equally when they show up because they go hand in hand, unable to exist without the other.

     I’m not sure but maybe letting go means letting go for now or maybe it means forever…..or maybe it means letting go of knowing the answer to that.

   Maybe letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but giving in; giving in to faith; putting trust in something bigger than you because you realize that the situation (or whatever you want/need to let go of) is…….well, bigger than you.  

    Despite the sometimes gut-wrenching fear, maybe letting go is the next step in the strengthening or deepening of your faith…...a faith that you may or may not have even known existed within you.

    Maybe letting go is the one thing that you don’t want to do, but is the very thing that you need to do to learn how to trust the unknown in front of you. Maybe it’s a leap or maybe it’s baby steps that in retrospect are the equivalent of a leap. Maybe each baby step actually feels like a leap but you do it anyways because something deep down inside is ready…..or some higher source is telling you that you are ready. Whatever the move may be, taking that blind leap (step) into that unknown is trusting that whatever happens is not only what was meant to happen, but also for your highest good. That unknown may actually end up being the next great thing in your life.

    On a daily basis we are letting go in small ways like shedding the events of the day during a nighttime yoga class (or with a glass(es) of wine)........ or in big ways like leaving a relationship or job that no longer fits us. I believe that we are always in the process of letting go (or at least we should be) but January in particular gives us a little more room for it due to its unique positioning amongst the year. No single way of letting go is better than another - it looks and feels different on every person and that should be respected. 

     I guess in the end part of that letting go is learning to embrace it all; the good and the bad, the highs and the lows, the contradicting emotions, the confusion and everything in between. Maybe learning this is one of the truest declarations of self love; learning to shed what is no longer needed and what keeps you stuck and instead start (or continue) your journey back to You; back to your center, your core; the journey towards more joy and the life that you are meant to have.

***Please read previous post (novel) for the full story***

3 days into our dream Thailand backpacking trip, my friend / traveling partner discovered that she would have to leave early to tend to urgent family matters. It was devastating news but despite my uncertainty and anxieties, I made the decision to stay behind and travel alone. 

Turns out I learned a few things along the way............

_________________________________________

1.) Plans are a joke.

Honestly…..the big plans for sure are but even the small ones as well. We make plans so that we can try to control an experience (not in a bad way): what we want it to look like; what we want it to feel like; control what we want to see and what we want to do etc. and we do it with the best intentions - Lord knows I did - but it’s all an illusion…...because control is an illusion. As seen by most of my trip, plans were made and most of the time those plans fell apart. This was obviously an extreme case of plans falling apart, but the truth is we hardly have any control in this life. Plans certainly help to some degree and at times they are definitely necessary to make, but it seems they are mostly there to make us feel like we have some form of control so we don’t completely lose our shit. Not sure how many times i will need to learn this one (I have a feeling it’s forever) but as of now it continues to be an ongoing lesson in life.

2.) Riding a motorbike in Southeast Asia is also a joke.

And sometimes briefly introduces you to a near death situation that ends with you ass up in a red ant hill. As someone who loses all sense of motor skills and coordination on a regular bike, I obviously should not have been on a motorized one but regardless of that, the driving is insane there and I vote for taking a tuk tuk (taxi). 

*peep that Lavender Doterra oil which saved my skin’s life

3.) Alone time can take you to some really serene places of physical and mental peace, but it can also take you to the depths of hell.

The truth is that sometimes sitting on a beach alone for hours brought me more clarity than I have known in awhile…...but sometimes the uncertainty of what I was doing, where I was going or who I would meet pulled me back down into that dark place. There were some unsurprising issues of control and fear of uncertainty that came up but there were some unexpected friends that showed up to the party as well like a deep need for validation. As I have come to realize over the years though is that it’s hardly a dark place within us, it’s just a place that needs more light and understanding shone on it. These things that were bubbling up clearly needed attention and the stage was set for me to give it to them. Which leads me to my next point.

4.) Journaling can save your sanity.

Journaling was a great way for me to keep up with what what was happening physically on my trip but also where i was emotionally. When I was in the throws of anxiety for a couple of days on a somewhat deserted island, journaling was often my only comfort besides a fat order of some pad thai and possibly some mango sticky rice (judge me). I had to practice what i often preach to others, turn inward and see what it was that was causing the severe anxiety.

5.) Drinking out of buckets is an aggressive death threat to your liver.

Vodka + their version of Red Bull (glorified crack) will always end poorly……..or great, depending on the night / person.

6.) Uncertainty can be scary, but also extremely rewarding.

This was a huge theme on the trip: learning to be ok with not knowing what was going to happen next. Once again, a somewhat extreme occasion but at the end of the day “not knowing what is going to happen next” can be applied to almost any situation or moment in life. I think most people certainly acknowledge this fact on an intellectual level but it is a whole different story as to whether or not they actually accept it and embrace it on a soul level and into their everyday lives. It’s something that I struggle with, being able to let go of the illusion that there is any certainty in this life (besides death of course), but being on this trip and being hit over and over again with its almighty presence literally forced me to be ok with it. The alternative was feeling constant anxiety from resisting its presence and I was pretty over having to deal with that.

7.) You have no control over elephants.

You may think you do but lest we forget that they are 5 *ton* intelligent mammals.

8.) Food dishes are not always what they seem

Sometimes you think you are eating chicken and it turns out to be some form of cow intestines. Sometimes it’s best to not ask what your food plate consists of.

9.) Pictures are also not always what they seem

Not a new learning but still always a good one to remember since it seems to be one that we all forget, including myself. When I was on the island of Koh Lanta aka ‘The Gauntlet’ there were countless pictures that I took where I was smiling and looking incredibly blissed out but some percent of those smiles were not genuine. It’s a hard but very real fact and I’m all about giving the facts. Some of those smiles were filled with gratitude for the trip and the beauty of the island….but some of those smiles were filled with fear of the unknown, some loneliness and some anxiety of wondering if I was doing things “right.” Knowing how I really felt in those pics (whether they were posted online or not) was a good reminder that the people, places and smiles in images we see are not always what they seem, especially in social media…..which leads me right to my next point.

10.) Social Media can be a great gift and a terrible curse.

Nowhere near a new learning for me or any of us (unless you live under a rock) but the crux of social media really showed itself on this trip.

The gift: (When I had wifi of course) Posting picture updates of my trip was an amazing way of keeping my family and friends updated on my whereabouts and also sharing my experience with them.

The curse: When Taylor left, there was an obvious physical presence missing but what I did not process until later was the emotional presence and validation that also went missing. Yes, it was a blessing to be on my own and do things how I wanted to do them but I also no longer had someone there to share the experience with and on a more important note, I no longer had someone there to validate my own experience. It’s not something I was conscious of doing in the past, but I’ve come to realize I have often used my shared time with someone else as validation of my own experience. So when Taylor had to go home, some of my social media usage was to fill that void; to try to get external validation of my experience; to try to see if I was doing this whole traveling solo thing “right.” I’m not saying all of the postings fell under that umbrella but I would be lying to myself to say that at least some percentage did. It stemmed from fear and from one of my bizarre branches of internal perfectionism. Once I realized I was doing it, I made sure to only share things when it was coming from a place of wanting to give and not receive. And speaking of perfectionism and right and wrong……

11.) There is no right or wrong way to have an experience.

Everyone’s “Eat Pray Love” story is different (as a sidenote, I did not actually read the book or see the movie but people like to throw the phrase out a lot when they find out someone is traveling alone so I picked it up). I tend to lean towards extremes in my ways of thinking sometimes (a lot) and often see things in black and white; right and wrong; good or bad. I try to land in some neutral gray zone but that’s a serious and ongoing work in progress so sometimes it doesn’t happen. There were many times on this trip where that did not happen and I tried to figure out if I was doing things “correctly” since I had no foundation to work from. I had never gone backpacking in a foreign country by myself and my only base to go off of was other people’s stories and the internet.

When Taylor first left, I went into control mode because I wanted to have the “right” experience and worried about doing things “wrong” in fear of missing out on something. When I experienced not so funny WTF moments - and there were quite a few - I worried that somehow I myself was doing something wrong because it wasn’t turning out to be the picturesque experience that I was expecting. But you know what? It was actually the WTF moments that allowed my grip to loosen on the whole thing; for me to accept that whatever was happening was (mostly) out of my control and that it was all part of my own personal unique Bianca experience. I’d like to think the same rings true for life outside of travel as well. Trust yourself and trust your experiences exactly as they are (funny enough, part of my New Year’s intention).

12.) Night Markets are simply the best.

Best food. Best places to barter (Always a peasant) and best places to see a secret lady boy show.

13.) Don’t compare your trip / experience to anyone else’s

The beauty of backpacking is that you meet so many different, interesting, amazing and sometimes really crazy people……. and with meeting those people, you hear about their trip and you swap stories. It’s something that I grew to love, especially when I had my own crazy experiences to talk about, but in the beginning nothing stressed me out more. I would constantly compare what I had done, seen, felt, eaten etc. with what they had done and I always felt like I wasn’t doing enough. My trip felt like it was lacking which is a ridiculous thought since the fact that I was there alone unexpectedly is a unique story in itself. We all compare in life though. Whether it’s vocal or not, we all do it or have done it before. When I finally understood that there was no right or wrong way to do this trip since at the end of the day it was all just an experience (see #9), I was finally able to stop comparing and just enjoy others’ stories for what they were - which was just their own unique experience.

14.) Monkeys never have your best interests at heart.

Don’t let the cute face and human like features fool you. They are conniving creatures (this fool below is actually drinking my *only* post hangover water). 

15.) Companionship is a beautiful thing, but it can also be a crutch

As humans we all (well most of us) need some form of companionship - it’s natural and it’s in our DNA and for the most part, it generally just makes us happy. But our desire for companionship can also sometimes cross the line and weaken our own inner compasses; our self-awareness, self-trust and tools for learning to not only validate but accept our personal experiences (#9). Traveling alone allowed me to see the difference between wanting a companion because I genuinely wanted someone to share the experience with and wanting a companion because I did not trust myself to have my own amazing time by myself. I actually think that’s pretty important in life generally since so many of us use others as a compass for what to do instead of just looking inward and trusting yourself and your own experiences. 

16.) Connections can happen in the most random and unexpected ways

This seems like an obvious one but it’s amazing what you don’t realize/not aware of when you are in a completely new and sometimes challenging situation, especially when a lot of the time you are focusing on just surviving. During my travels I obviously wanted to meet people and make friends but I also wanted to control how and when it happened. I wanted to control outcomes. LOL. Right. Hardly ever happened that way. It was always in a really unexpected turn of events where I would meet the people I had true connections with: sitting at a bar by myself, eating at a pizza shop (I sure did have pizza in SE Asia and I enjoyed every bite of it) and snorkeling or scuba diving off a random beach. The situations where I was not expecting it is when it happened (such is the law of nature and life no?). Anyone else I met was a free for all in a hostel, on a tour, or drunk at a fire-show/bar.

17.) Things don’t always work out the way you want; they work out the way they should.

It’s sometimes an overused saying but it’s the truth. I could have left when Taylor left. I could have given up and gone back home. I could have stayed inside the whole time when I was having panic attacks but there was a reason that it was all happening. If we all take the time to see the big picture and focus not on what goes wrong, but on what actually goes right then we might be able to see that’s all for a reason. It’s all a learning and what’s needed at the time to push us into our next stage of growth. The learnings may not look like what you thought or wanted them to look like but that’s just the ego trying to control again. Let it go. Trust it all. These learnings, as hard as they may have been (or will be), are always happening for your greatest good.

                                           Part I : The Build-Up

9 months of anticipation. 2 months of planning. 19 hours of flying. And one text message that would make it all fall apart.

…….or as I like to see it, make it all fall together.

    Travelling around Thailand has been a seed that has been planted in my mind for years now, ever since I saw one distinct image floating around on the internet of one of the many breathtaking beaches that it has to offer. Who knows why it stuck but I never questioned it and instead dreamt of when and how I could get there.

     In a somewhat hollywood-esque fashion, I decided that the end of my 3 year relationship was the perfect opportunity to travel across the world. I saw it as my “comeback” (as if I had gone somewhere); my “How Stella Got Her Groove Back Moment” (so dramatic, I know). Knowing my best friend from college, Taylor, was going through a hard time as well and had always wanted to go to Thailand, I immediately picked up the phone and shot her a “wanna go to thailand text?” An instant “yup” was texted back and a few weeks later we had bought our tickets. Just like that, one of my big dreams was coming true and it would be happening with one of my best friends. I couldn’t have been more thrilled.

    As time inched closer to the trip and planning commenced, it seemed almost surreal to me that this was actually happening. I had talked about it for so long and there we were, a mere month away. The planning heightened my anticipation tenfold - I could literally feel the waves of excitement course through me when I would picture Taylor and I in the various locations and adventures that we had planned out.

    But that’s the funny thing about planning isn’t it? We spend all this time and energy into trying to make things go the way we want - see the things we want to see, do the things we want to do…….but hardly do things in life ever go to plan and this was no exception.

                                       Part II: The Crumble

     So……….9 months of anticipation. 2 months of planning. 19 hours of flying……...and the one text message that changed it all.

     The text message that would tell Taylor that her grandmother had gone into the hospital, leaving her family uncertain as to how long she would have to live. Let’s be clear, this is not a text message that you would want to receive under any circumstances…...but to get it while you are half way across the world? No. It was beyond comprehension. It didn’t seem real and for the first couple of minutes after we found out, neither one of us acted like it was real. We were just kind of frozen; completely in shock. There were too many things to take in. Besides the horrifying fact that we had JUST gotten to Thailand, there was also the logistics of getting back to Connecticut. For Taylor, family always comes first so going home was non-negotiable and I completely supported her decision. So once the shock wore off, she and I did what we did best…..we started planning. It was an automatic reaction not only from the stress and pressures of time, but it was also a coping mechanism for dealing with the intense emotions that were running through both of us since this information impacted both of our trips / lives.

    Our means of “coping” (frantic planning) came to an abrupt halt when in a fleeting moment of silence, we looked out of our hostel window and saw two Buddhist monks chanting a prayer over a woman who was kneeled in front of them in the streets. That is when the planning came to a screeching halt and the tears began. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard or seen. We held each other tightly and silently cried as we listened to the monks’ prayers, despite not knowing what was being said. In that moment, in that sacred pause that was given to us, I think we both allowed the situation to hit us…...not the planning that needed to happen…….but the fear, the uncertainty, the sadness, the anger, the disappointment…..everything that was boiling beneath both of our surfaces, ready for a release. It’s an overstatement to say that we were able to fully process everything in that moment, but we were given a chance to at least let the process begin.

    We had about 3 days together before Taylor had to leave back to the states which were spent finalizing her plans back home, trying to fit in as much as possible before she left and mostly just trying to keep up with all of the changing emotions. I tried to focus my energy on keeping things positive when possible and then offering support when necessary, which left minimal time for me to actually comprehend how her leaving would affect the rest of the trip; i.e: I would be doing it solo. When I did have time to think about it however, the idea did not frighten me but actually excited me. I was always wildly impressed and infatuated with the people, especially women, who had made the brave decision to travel alone. I imagined that one day I would perhaps embark on my own solo adventure but here it was right it my face, the opportunity to do what I had only dreamed of. Yes, it was somewhat against my will, but the Universe has a funny way of making things happen not when you want it to, but when you need it to.

     And so the day came for Taylor to leave. At the time, and even now, it seems surreal because, once again, I think it was too much to comprehend - there were too many (conflicting) emotions happening at the same time. In the moment I was sad for her because I knew how hard the choice to leave had been. I knew that saying goodbye to me and to this magical place, which she only got to partially experience, was devastating for her…...but it’s what needed to happen. I was also sad to lose my companion and the person who had been in my visions of this trip for almost a year, but at the same exact time I was excited to embark on this new adventure. As I hugged Taylor and watched her drive away, I felt more sadness and uncertainty starting to creep in as I waved goodbye to my friend; my travel partner; my safety net but I pushed it aside, ancy for this next part of my trip to begin.

                                       Part III : The Gauntlet

     It was all supposed to be very Eat Pray Love, at least that’s what some of those who knew I was doing the rest of the trip alone told me. Hilarious thing about that is, I never read the book or saw the movie so in my mind I had a very general and idealized image of what that meant. To me it meant eating good food, meeting new people and “finding myself” in a very cute and hollywood sort of way. And you know, the first day alone was exactly that. I was still in the same place that Taylor and I had been the past day or two so I was somewhat familiar with my surroundings - I made friends, I ate good food and I saw beautiful sights. I felt like I was doing it “right.” The experience was going exactly how I imagined it would go and I was thrilled.

     And then it was time for me to go to the next location: Koh Lanta, a beautiful relaxed island about 2 hours by ferry from the coast……..It was also my first official location that I was doing by myself. As excited as I was, there was also a sinking feeling in my stomach as soon as I started my journey to the island. It caused me to have a stomach ache for days which I attributed at the time to excessive travel and the food; but it was something else and when I arrived to Koh Lanta, to my dismay, I no longer felt excited. I felt I had made a terrible mistake but I couldn’t place why. I wasn’t staying at a hostel which made it more difficult to meet people but I could meet people other ways - I wasn’t worried about that. I kept waiting for my glorious “Eat Pray Love” moment to happen (once again, did not see the movie or read the book so I really had no idea what it was about besides a woman travelling by herself) but instead I found myself feeling anxious, indecisive and I was not making friends as easily as I had hoped. In reality, the stomach ache was not from travelling and food. It was those emotions coming to the surface that I had so conveniently stuffed away when I was saying goodbye to Taylor to deal with at a later time.; i.e: sadness, anxiety and uncertainty. Well, that “later time” was now and they were hitting me like a brick wall. They are the reason that Koh Lanta will forever be known in my mind as “The Gauntlet.”

     I was a wreck and I still couldn’t fully figure out why. It wasn’t the fear of being alone - I enjoy solitude and I happen to think I am great company, but I might be biased on that. I knew it wasn’t the fear of something bad happening to me, although I was pretty cautious / aware of my surroundings and never fully relaxed at any point on the trip. I just could not place where the anxiety was coming from and while I was able to partake in different activities on the island and somewhat enjoy the long stretches of beautiful beaches, I knew that I was not fully present and not fully taking it all in because there was a constant layer of anxiety tainting my view.

                                        Part IV: The Learning

     It was not until my last day there when I decided to do a yoga class on the beach where I discovered why this serene, beautiful island and the first stop on my “eat pray love” adventure was the gauntlet for me. As I laid in child’s pose listening to the sound of my own breath combined with the soft crashing of the waves, the tears silently began to pour from my eyes. No, it wasn’t the fear of loneliness or something bad happening to me. It was the fear of making a mistake. The fear that somehow I would not do this whole solo thing “right” - as if there was a right or wrong way of going about it.

     Yes. That nagging issue with self trust had followed me half way across the world. That pesky little mosquito of perfectionism had been biting me for days and I only just realized where the itch was coming from. For clarity, my personal perfectionism only partially comes from some outside ideal. The outside world and its bombardment of messages definitely plays a part because it’s impossible to block it all out, but mostly my perfectionism is an internal process that doesn’t manifest itself physically in ways that are noticeable to most (unless we are close or you are my therapist). It appears in the way that I think I should behave; the way I think an experience should go; how it should look and feel and how I myself should feel about it. These “shoulds” are often just figments of my own mind and unrealistic standards stemming from the depths of my own psyche, mixed perhaps with some social media images. The “shoulds” have a nasty habit of derailing the natural flow of life and of yourself - that’s the case for me anyways.

     I should be doing this. I should feel this way. I should be more carefree. I should be more x, y, z. The “shoulds” were the cause behind this stomach ache inducing anxiety. The “shoulds” were the reason that I craved a companion - not out of loneliness - but out of the need for validation of my experience that I was doing things “correctly” (a comical thought since there is no “correct” way - it was an ideal created within my own mind). What i really should have been doing was having compassion for myself that I was in a country I had never been to, traveling by myself unexpectedly without knowing anyone and in a situation that was completely unknown to me. This was not like studying abroad or doing an organized retreat; there were no people I knew to meet up with (in the beginning) and there was no home base, just me myself and I. Luckily Thailand is a backpacker haven and it’s easy to navigate once you get used to it but the whole thing was still wildly unknown.

     I was putting insane pressures on myself to be this carefree go with the flow person when the reality was yes, I was excited but I was also nervous. I was anxious. I wanted to have an amazing life changing experience but in the idealized pictures in my mind that experience of traveling alone only meant clarity, joy and adventure. It never took into account the anxiety, uncertainty and sadness that also can come along with it…..especially when you are not prepared for it. In a situation that was so foreign to me and where I was experiencing a large amount of uncertainty, I was reverting back to some old (and still sometimes current) habits of trying to control the situation so I could avoid the uncomfortable feelings and only focus on what we consider “good” ones. I realized that I was slipping into old patterns of categorizing my anxiety and sadness as weak when really they were a natural part of this crazy experience.

     All of these realizations happened within the confines of a 5 minute child’s pose and by the time I lifted my head, my face was drenched with the tears of my breakdown / breakthrough……...but you know what? My stomach ache was also gone and my yoga teacher was staring directly at me. She softly smiled and nodded as we moved on to the next pose and by the end of the class I felt like a weight had been lifted; I felt lighter and more free. I felt in the flow again. My mindset was completely different and as it always does, the universe picked up on the change and began to conspire with me. The rest of the trip turned out to be amazing not only because of the experiences but because of my acceptance of myself and whatever I was feeling during the experiences. There were some unforgettable moments but there were also some not great moments and that’s just the honest truth. There were friends that I met that I will never forget and beautiful scenery that will forever be emblazoned in my mind but there were also a lot of wrong turns, stumbles in the street, WTF moments and disappointing experiences that I thought were going to be amazing.

     More than anything, there were bigger life lessons and revelations once I took the time to step back and see them; once I took a breath; once I started having compassion for myself; once I loosened my grip on trying to “control” my emotions and my experience. Once I actually stopped trying to figure out what the damn lessons were supposed to be…...that’s when I learned (and continue to learn) what they were.

Did the trip turn out the way I thought it would? Nope. Sure didn’t. But like I said, it turned out the way it was supposed to. I don’t know, maybe deep down I wanted to travel alone. Maybe the Universe/God/Spirit/whatever you want to call it knew what was in my soul….or maybe just knew that this was exactly the experience I needed at this time.

Whatever the case, I am grateful for it all.

*More detailed learnings in next post

Today at Starbucks, there were goldfish in clear glass cups on every table outside. I don’t know why. I didn’t ask bc I assumed they were somehow related to the holidays…...which obviously makes the most sense.

Since I’m a spaz, I made a sudden movement and knocked the glass over and the fish went flying. I jumped up and immediately tried to grab the fish as it was flopping about, dying by the millisecond. Since I had no chill about the situation and could only imagine a goldfish death weighing heavy on my conscious, I got stressed and wasted precious seconds of its diminishing life trying to grab it. In my defense, it was violently thrashing about (assuming it was holding on to dear life) which made it infinitely harder to try to grab.

It was a high stress situation and it was out in the open air for at least a minute and a half before water was brought to me by equally stressed patrons. Because he stopped flopping about, I assumed he was a goner and I was already mentally preparing for the grief I was about to experience but to my pleasant surprise and immense reflief, he snapped back to life when he was put back into water.

Of course, turning it back on me, I audibly congratulated myself for saving its life…...despite the fact that I had been the one that put it in danger. Actually, really it was Starbuck’s fault. 

It was a bizarre situation and I’m still convinced that it was some social experiment that I failed….......or passed with flying colors? Or possibly a really awful reality show featuring patrons and ill-placed goldfish.

I don’t know.

The gentle reminder is not to underestimate goldfish. They are resilient. (or alternatively if they’re from a fair, they’ll probably die within hours)

A gentle reminder (for myself as well....always). That girl interrupts you as if you have you dont have a mouth to speak from? That guy has a big ego and makes everything about himself? She is passive aggressive and talks behind people's backs?    Tough thing to do (Lord knows I don’t all the time) but those pesky little things you complain about constantly about other people......most likely things you don't like or accept within yourself. Turn it back on you. Take responsibility for your annoyance and have some compassion for yourself. 

Maybe you'll be able to have compassion for that other person in the process.  

Or learn something about yourself.

Or still just hate the person and physically cringe at every move they make. 

Ok I’m back........and I have thoughts.

And so begins the “Gentle Reminder” series: a collection of posts reminding both myself and others of the obvious and not so obvious things we need to be reminded of in every day life.

     These work days are long; the longest in fact. The idea that “9-5” was actually a reality for most people at some point in time is laughable, minus the fact that I’m not really laughing because office hours in today’s world are not funny. Far from it. In the world of advertising the grind is real because the competition is real. This has always been the case with advertising because that’s just the nature of the beast - need to captivate audiences to sell them on an idea or a product or whatever you are trying to sell. But it’s not just advertising where the competition is fierce; industries across the board are becoming more and more saturated and to stay ahead of the game, more cutting edge work needs to be done. Work requires people. More work should mean hiring more people but because of our economy and/or companies trying to save money where they can, more work generally just means more work for the people that are already there. This means stress. Stress leads to unhappiness and burnout. Burnout leads to declining health. Declining health leads to pandora’s box of bad shit. 

     It’s a vicious cycle and one that needs to be stopped but when a person decides that they can no longer be a part of the cycle, says “No more” and leaves, does the cycle stop just because they did? Absolutely not. The company simply hires another willing and able body. There is always someone who can fill the void which is why the cycle does not stop. I have worked at high pressure, high demand, high stress machines of companies and I have seen firsthand and been a victim to some aspects of pandora’s box of bad shit. Before I started meditation (see previous post on How Meditation Saved My Life), I was a constant ball of stress unable to ever fully relax or “come down.” When you work for 11+ hours everyday, it seems like a daunting task to unravel yourself and so many of us do not actually succeed in doing so. We continue to carry over yesterday’s stress and the day before yesterday’s and so on and so forth. 

     I have not figured out how to stop the system. I used to feel a lot of anger and resentment towards this - the nonstop work, the high demand, the grueling hours but then I realized, I put myself in this situation and how these machines of companies operate is far out of my control. However, if I am unable to stop the system or leave it, what is in my control is how I deal with it and help others to learn how to deal with it as well.......and even find some happiness along the way in doing so.  

    Health and wellness is not something that only happens outside of the office building (although that is extremely important)- if anything, it is MOST important inside of the walls since that is where people often spend a majority of their days. Free food and patio concerts are wonderful perks, but they do not prevent or even help burnout. They do not help to properly manage people’s stress or help them thrive (not just survive) during the constant grind.......No, it needs to go deeper than that. 

     Bringing my meditation teacher in to teach intro classes was the first step into taking that deeper dive into improving wellness around the office. Where free food and snacks may temporarily relieve / distract from stress, meditation actually addresses the stress and gradually releases it. It is not my place to speak on it, but I believe meditation courses should be covered by companies - or at least subsidized to some extent. Want your company to have good reviews on job websites? For your employees to not look like pissed walking zombies? For your turnover not to be so high due to job dissatisfaction and burnout? For your employees to feel like they matter? Then invest in their daily health and happiness (and again, not just with free food). If a company can pay the $10,000+ expense check for someone higher up in the ranks or give a $20,000 bonus, surely they can find some money to help a much larger scale of people for something far more important than expensive drinks and lavish meals.......but let me stay in my lane on that one :-/

     The next step has been diffusing Doterra essential oils in my department’s area. Smell is one of our first and strongest senses that instantly allow us to feel a certain way, depending on what the scent is. 

     Using essential oils is a proven ( https://vimeo.com/104634758) and non-expensive (albeit underused) tactic in changing the mood and atmosphere of an environment and the difference in people’s moods is almost immediate. The citrus smells have generally just improved overall moods while lavender tends to calm some asses down which is necessary when you are working under pressure for more than 11 hours out of the day. Ideally the use of the oils extends beyond my department’s area and used throughout the whole company. Imagine walking into a room for a large/important meeting and instead of being hit with the stale stench of stress and nervousness, you are hit with the wonderful and uplifting smells of lemon mixed with a little bit of orange or lime. I have a feeling that it could really change the course of that meeting.

     Lastly in an attempt to encourage the team to eat healthier and consume less sugar, a friend and I decided to make a “Candy Toll” for anyone reaching for the candy jar. The hope here was that some slight shame would be involved in writing one’s name and keeping a tally of how many pieces of candy were being consumed, but seeing as the candy jar is now empty.........this was not one of the successful wellness missions. #WellnessFails

- No money for a gym membership? Even LA Fitness’ scarily cheap price of $30 / month?

- Cringe at the thought of spending $30 for a one hour aerobics class? (Mostly need that money to feed oneself)

- Profusely sweat to the point where others are concerned?

- Don’t leave work in time to ever make a workout class?

- Don’t want to be bothered by the shameless stares of fellow workout members of the opposite sex? Hey, men can be targets too!...... (*que 5 minute dramatic eye roll where I temporarily lose vision*) 

If you answered yes to any of those questions, the Peasant Workout may be just the thing you need in your life. For the low low price of free  (minus a few optional pieces of equipment) and some form of internet, you too can achieve some pretty high quality levels of fitness. 

Will you have fancy machines? Nope. Will there be someone telling you to keep pushing and to keep moving and keep giving you encouragement? Nah. Not unless you choose to keep the volume up on your app / laptop and listen to the person instructing you. Self-discipline, along with the acute awareness of having $23 to your name and 1.5 weeks till your next paycheck, will need to kick in. 

So.........

Question: Love the diversity and efficiency of HIIT workouts but don’t have those HIIT pesos?

Answer: FitnessBlender.com is completely free and has hundreds of options to make you sweat profusely.......and no one will stare / be concerned about your physical well-being (Bonus: these workouts require minimal space so there’s no excuse) 

Question: For whatever reason (let’s be real, you pressed snooze 17 times) you only have 15 minutes in the morning before you have to go healthily sit at a desk for 8-12 consecutive hours out of the day staring at a screen?

Answer: 12 Minute Athlete has a variety options for just the occasion. Workouts range from 4 - 16 minutes with options for equipment or just body weight. (Bonus: If you live in a cramped apartment of just need to be quiet because your roomie will come for your life if you wake him/her up before they’re ready, there’s options for those predicaments as well.)

Question: Love to get that zen on but your office keeps you hostage from making your 8pm downward dog date? 

Answer: DoYogaWith.com has endless videos to choose from that range in both time and skill level. Even if your room is the size of Harry Potter’s closet, you can still fit in one shavasana at the very least. 

Peasant wellness is achievable if you want it to be. Think about your life. Think about you choices. Think about how you have two digits in your bank account and 10 days until next paycheck. 

Case in point: A FitnessBlender weight training moment. Photo cred: Bae (mom): 

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Week, I thought I would share a little anecdote.

     About 3 years ago, my life was hit with a serious curve ball when seemingly out of nowhere I was hit with borderline debilitating anxiety. It came on so suddenly and with such force that I was scrambling to even get out of bed in the mornings, let alone make it through a day of work without having to go to the bathroom to have a quick solo cry session. For the first time in my life I was having panic attacks and I didn’t know why. It felt like I was waking up from a dream, but that dream was my life. The confusion of it all then led to bouts of depression which then led back to more panic attacks and so the vicious cycle continued. I tried to hide it but at a certain point, it could no longer be hidden. The pain was too much, too confusing, and it was just physically exhausting. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and neither did anyone else since my life, from the outside, seemed pretty normal. I had graduated from a good college, I had a cool job, a boyfriend, a great group of friends, an active social life and no real serious complaints about life.   

     It turns out though, as with all anxiety, it really didn’t come out of nowhere. The reality was that it had been building up over years and years of constantly trying to live up to either some internal or external expectation of who I (or others) thought I should be. This combined with self-delusion and emotional neglect towards myself led me to live a life that was not aligned with who I really was. I was essentially living a lie (even if it was just internal lies I was telling myself), but that would not reveal itself until about a year into therapy. Yeah I said it. Therapy. The “T” word. It’s not just for the “crazy people” (although they go too). I’m not sure why there is so much shame in it these days, especially in the black community. Why should you be ashamed of something that will (or theoretically should) help you heal yourself and your relationships with others? Anyways, that’s a different topic for a different time……….Therapy was a huge help but the dark horse that really took my healing to a deeper level was meditation.

    Starting meditation, specifically vedic meditation, changed my life in some subtle yet extremely profound ways and it’s only been a year and a half:

I will always deal with anxiety to some extent but it is far more easily managed

sleep better and without taking anything

feel less stressed (the amount of stress is still the same if not more, but my perception of what I deem “stressful” has changed)

have better time management skills which leads to…….less stress and (see next point)

the ability to hone in on more things that I actually do want to do (like create a weird blog for example)

     Where therapy provided me with an emotional outlet, an ability to come to terms with my own vulnerability and sensitivity and insight into some issues / patterns in my life, meditation gave me (and still continues to give me) clarity and the tools to actually make different choices. Where therapy helped to shed light and take the shame out of my anxiety and depression, meditation (and continued therapy) allowed me to heal it. Let’s be clear here: there is absolutely no shame in anxiety or depression. That stigma really needs to just see itself out the door. If anything it can be seen as a gift. It can be seen as a sign to slow down; to take a look inward; to see what is not aligned within. 

     Meditation is not a magic wand by any means and it didn’t instantly solve my life issues; but sitting down somewhere twice a day where I could close my eyes for 20 minutes allowed (and still allows) me more daily rest and because of that, clearer insights into problem solving and often into my own neuroses.

     It really is an amazing (and sometimes scary) thing to just sit and see the absolute chaos that occurs in your mind but facing those thoughts and not getting caught up in them are the only way to take away their power. The truth is that we all get caught up in our own stories even if we never realize it; there is usually some story playing in the background of our minds telling us why we feel this way about this or that, why we don’t like so and so, why we like this thing and not that and so on. Meditation can give you the self-awareness and insight into what those stories are…….and then the ability to release them, or transcend them in the case of the Vedic style. 

     In a sense, meditation is a true act of personal courage. It was for me at least. It’s like actively choosing to take off the blinders or the rose tinted sunglasses and beginning to see things, life and yourself exactly as they are. Not everyone wants or is ready to see that. However, even though it may take away the rose tinted glasses, meditation then gives you the means of not only dealing with reality as it is but also building up a natural internal happiness as you do it.

   If it’s true (and it is) that our thoughts, or the thoughts that we choose to hook onto, create our reality, I shudder to think about where I would have been without meditation and also therapy. Truthfully I think I would have continued to be fine from the outside, as I imagine is the case for many people, - probably just a medicated, self-delusioned, anxiety-fueled, albeit high functioning, version of myself……...constantly on the edge of a nervous breakdown. So really in a sense, meditation (and therapy) saved my life. 

Top 4 In descending poop inducing order:

1.) popping balloons

2.) clowns

3.) slowly opening public restroom door and seeing morbidly obese person slumped over (the movie Seven may have perma-scarred, we're not sure)

4.) slowly opening public restroom door and seeing a morbidly obese person dressed as a clown, looking me straight in the eye, popping a balloon and then slumping over.

Tuesday morning musings. 

I just want to be real clear on my usage of peasant so as to not confuse / offend.

I am extremely blessed in my life and I try never to forget that as hard as that can be at times; but the truth is that I have a well-paying job (albeit soul sucking), I am healthy, I have a roof over my head (it’s my parent’s lavish roof), food is usually available to me, I have great friends, my parents are both alive and healthy (and insane) and for the most part my life is good.

My reference to myself as a peasant is solely due to my not so casual “i-had-to-go-to-an-east-coast-private-school” student loans (currently $93,652.45 to be exact) and because of these loans I have to have a peasant mentality. So, yes I have a well paying job and all of these great things in my life but one cannot really have a laissez-faire attitude towards money when one’s monthly payments are equivalent, if not more, to most people’s rent. I have to regularly check myself because at the end of the day even if that checking account is in the + (positive) realm, the reality is that I’m really in the - (negative) realm.

So, I am a first-world peasant and truthfully many people in this day and age are as well; especially people who at the tender age of 18 decided that they simply must go to an overpriced private school believing that was the only way they would get ahead in life (and also most likely because of conscious or subconscious expectations of what their life *should* look like); all the while not realizing the financial repercussions of this decision if their family could not fully pay for it.  

These fellow peasants may not call themselves that because they have well paying jobs, a nice-ish apartment and weekly happy hours, but rest assured they are (or at the very least, some form of a modern day indentured servant). Obviously this type of peasantry does not hail in comparison to what it means to be truly impoverished and wondering where your next meal will come from, but it does come with its own special first-world problems, a large one just being the psychological impact of having a heavy financial burden to carry around starting at a very young age.

Anyways at the end of the day, it’s all about perspective. Yes, it’s a burden and yes there are many repercussions but you are learning a great lesson in financial responsibility by paying for your 4 years of partying…...i mean learning. Own that shit. Find some humor in it. Be the best peasant version of yourself. It could always be worse. Always.