Good Morning*

small brain “hotel california is about drugs” normal brain “hotel california is about the music industry” giant brain “hotel california is meant to be taken completely literally and The Eagles are still trapped there”

galaxy brain “hotel california is a negative yelp review with a 2 minute guitar solo”

my DNA test results came back positive. i definitely have DNA.

quit bragging

Some girl in my class was talking about McDonald’s shamrock shakes and this yeehaw dude in cowboy boots said they suck and then he looked me in the eyes and said “what you’re gonna do is go to Arby’s, and get yourself a mint chocolate chip shake.” And he said it with such authority and certainty that I did so as soon as I got in my car

I see your concern y’all but this wasn’t a man telling me what to do. This is a man who had important knowledge and shared it with me. He was aiding me on a quest I didn’t even know I was on.

clown costume on, third eye stapled shut, lets do this ladies

pro cilantro and anti cilantro

Even better: the aliens all agree on who is edible and who is inedible, but the humans have no idea what the criteria is

Even better: there is no criteria, the Aliens just keep a running list of whenever one member designated a human as edible or not. People are baffled because the selection appears random yet all the aliens are up to date, so there must be SOMETHJNG

I love this because it implies the aliens possess either (1) a universal hive mind or (2) an intergalactic group chat dedicated to fucking with humanity 

*makes eye contact with security cameras to assert dominance*