I was never one to strive for romance.
I was never one to strive for anything at all.
All my life I've just lived through things. School, college, work, it was all very mechanical.
I'm not saying I was emotionless or heartless, even if I'm straight faced most of the time, I just felt slightly disconnected. Like when you listen to a song playing in the next room. It's there, you can hear it, you can even sing along or dance if you please, but it's muffled.
I never expected a simple grocery trip would be the one to make the sound clear.
It wasn't grand, it wasn't a moment of epiphany, it was a simple act of politeness. Someone dropped their keys while reaching for a can and I picked them up to give it back. Simple. We didn't even exchange words. It was supposed to be simple.
For the rest of my day I kept thinking about it, at first I chucked it up for the strange way the person was dressed. They had piercings on the bridge of their nose and above and below their lips, a blue sweater with dark stripes that slid off their shoulder ever so slightly, revealing what I could only assume to be scarred cuts, a silver butterfly necklace and a scratched metal collar. But I've met weird looking people before, none of them stuck in my mind for longer than faint moment.
I kept thinking about the way they mumbled a half hearted "thanks", the way they looked as if they had pulled an all nighter, the way our fingers brushed when I passed the keys, the way they didn't even look back as they left the isle. All things that were so minute yet kept festering my thoughts. They looked like someone wore down by life, someone that scratched an itch I kept insisting wasn't there.
I must've gone insane. I was sure of it, because against my better judgement, I started going to the store every day, quietly glancing around, hoping I might find them again.
I kept going for a month. It became a schedule. Always at the same place. Always at the same time. The slight frustration that came with each failed attempt didn't even bother me anymore, overwhelmed by the mere prospect of meeting them once more.
Until, the eventual happened. They were there once again. I felt a strange warmth flow through me, excitement if I were to guess. I planned this ever since I first saw them, I would walk over to them, I would pretend to ask for information, use it as opportunity to get them talking, maybe fish for more, I would ask their name, offer mine, and when the conversation reached their natural threshold I would say goodbye, and wait for the next opportunity to see them again.
I couldn't bring myself to. Like a collector watching a framed piece from afar, I knew even the faintest touch would taint this. I had built up a fantasy in my mind at this point, bringing reality to it would only ruin it. The song would become muffled again.
So I kept my distance. I watched, silently thankful for the person's apparent lack of awareness for their surroundings. They walked through the isles with a discreet sort of grace, the type carried by those who don't care about the judgment of others, or maybe I was simply too enamored to tell. I could get used to the feeling.
That was, until a high pitched beep brought me back to reality. They were paying for their groceries, they were going to leave and with it this warmth.
I simply wasn't ready for the cold yet.
Against my better judgment, my rationality, my common sense, I followed after them, staying just far enough to not be noticed. I wish I could say I felt shame, I wish I could say I knew how creepy I was being, but the only thought in my mind then was how grateful I was that they didn't own a vehicle.
We walked, or at least I like to think of it that way, for about 20 minutes, until we finally reached a building complex. It wasn't very tall, 10 floors, no front door security, slightly run down. They unlocked the front gate and disappeared inside. Still, I stayed, waiting until I saw a sign of life from one of the windows.
Third floor, second window from left to right.
I only left then, pretending that this was how far I was willing to go.
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