Tell me a tale

i want yummy bugrer

like, they would have one that basically makes him "flop" and go limp and motionless, basically triggering a really strong "freeze" response or tonic immobility

it's quickly become clear to me that this take has a lot of potential to be really, really fucked up

so like, they could have a set that makes him feel really sick, like debilitating levels of nausea. (a kind of emergency failsafe to keep him under control) they could have a set that basically tells him to shut up, makes it difficult or impossible for him to speak for a little while. And if we're in a version where Bucky's captivity under Hydra involved sexual abuse, there might be a set to trigger arousal.

it could get so twisted and could play around with like, others' assumptions about him vs. what he's actually dealing with, so other characters might THINK the trigger words have the capacity to turn him into a crazed murder machine and thereby make him dangerous, but in reality they mostly render him helpless and/or humiliate him, or just cause him a lot of discomfort and pain.

several fics I've read have had scenes or plotlines where SHIELD or whoever has to like, deprogram/desensitize him to the trigger words? and it's always kind of, vaguely upsetting because it's like a really torturous and evil form of exposure therapy.

but having the trigger words be a poorly defined kind of scifi MKUltra pseudoscience magic thing enables this (and enables it to be "justified" in-story, dodging a conversation about coercion in psychiatry)

If the words work by triggering responses he was conditioned to have, scenes like that suddenly become very straightforwardly, "let's put him in a situation he can't escape and trigger him until we successfully shape his fight/flight into a freeze/fawn," which is so obviously abusive and retraumatizing, which, yay, we can write about that. BUT the way the trigger words function in canon is using scifi MKUltra pseudoscience magic to create a situation where they "Have To" take away an abused character's autonomy because of the danger he poses to other people

(...not even the potential danger to HIM, which is wild to think about, since if the trigger words can completely override his free will and ability to act out of his own volition, that means whoever uses them theoretically could force him to do literally anything they wanted. He is the number one person in danger in this situation)

come to think of it there are a LOT of fics that put Bucky through forced psychiatric treatment or therapy (not to mention that canon did that) and i can't remember them addressing how that's fucked up.

like. okay. so. my fic has a scene where Bucky (who still has no idea who he is or who Steve is or what's going on) has an infected wound in his thigh and is filthy and delirious and basically actively dying, and Sam gets Steve to physically hold Bucky down so he can wash him and treat the wound.

this is, one of my favorite whump tropes of all time, and the angst is cranked up to 11 by the fact that in this story Bucky has experienced sexual abuse and Sam is FULLY aware of that, and he's still about to commit a massive violation of Bucky's consent and bodily autonomy, because he does not see a way around it.

And of course, one of my favorite things to write of all time ever is when a character is good hearted and emotionally intelligent and has the best of intentions and doing the best they can and they STILL fuck up Real Bad

so a couple chapters later, Sam is talking to Bucky and says this.

I wrote this because this is the kind of thing I wish to see in fiction more often, where the narrative doesn't tie a bow on this kind of blink-and-you-miss-it fucked up situation and slot the characters' actions into either Right and Justified or Wrong and Fucked Up.

And I could have skated right past it and tied a bow on it saying that "Sam did the best he could with the tools he had, so it was fine, because it was to save Bucky's life and therefore justified" OR I could have tied a bow on it in an equally unsatisfying and stupid way by saying "It wasn't fine, because there was some other option that was right there that Sam should have seen and didn't, so it was his fault and that was bad"

It is, really really satisfying, to me, to write something where "this was wrong and shouldn't have happened" and "this is the best they could have done in the situation they were in" can coexist, and especially important to me that he expresses this to Bucky, because we don't get Bucky's POV on that scene but it was definitely potentially retraumatizing, and just. Having that acknowledgement is probably a big thing for Bucky.

that is, to consistently trigger a trauma response that specifically looks like becoming submissive, pliant, and eager to please

this is really juicy to me because it could LOOK to the other characters like he was betraying them if it was used on him. And also, just, the shame and humiliation he would feel over it.

In most of the fics I read, when the trigger words are used it's like, everything in his head suddenly goes quiet and everything seems simple and clear, he is back to being a numb and unfeeling murder robot again

On both sides of this too.

I can understand why I reacted a certain way and still acknowledge that someone got hurt and I can understand where someone else is coming from and still decide I need distance.

today's post is a muriel appreciation post!!!

"Person who has nothing to strive for, finds someone who pushes them to be better" -> Asra and mc

asra if you romance julian: yeah so um he was my ex but i promise it's okay haha. also be careful bc he's like LOTS of trouble okay? haha--

asra if you romance nadia: omg look at you!! you're legit made for each other bc you deserve the best and she IS the best so like. slayy

asra if you romance portia: idk who she is but she seems nice and idrc as long as you're happy and keep each other safe :)

asra if you romance muriel: hello besties i am your biggest fan and i volunteer to officiate yall's wedding plspls

Turns out you can roll a 7 on a d6

vaginal atrophy, even if that part of the body is never used in a sexual manner, can cause physical cramping akin to menstrual pain, dryness, itching, burning, watery discharge, as well as frequent uti’s and urinary incontinence.

if you ever think you have to live this way you don’t, it’s as easy to fix as getting an estrogen suppository from your doctor, which stays localized and does not effect the body’s hormone levels whatsoever.

sexual health education and information sharing is far more important than your fucking dysphoria.