see the thing is i do think that it can genuinely hurt like a bitch to be told / realize "you really fucked that one up champ" especially if you have anxiety around the idea of being a good and moral person and not wanting to "mess up" / be a bigoted ass, it's just that you do have to imbibe some "get the fuck over yourself" juice because the way our society works is that in many cases the people who you are a dick to are just expected to hold your hand and comfort you through it? like a parent expecting their child to tell them that this was Fine actually, or a man with women, or a white person with people of colour, so on and so forth, even just like....a boss and employee hierarchy situation where the employee might feel the pressure to reassure the boss that actually they totally know that mx boss is actually Good and Well Meaning At Their Core, if the boss is the type of person to put the onus of "make me feel better" onto their employee. like it does suck to learn you've done a shitty awful thing. genuinely not a great experience. but you can't center yourself in the matter and you do need to process those emotions outside of the situation and away from the people you hurt in a way where you can genuinely meaningfully apologize/understand what you did to fuck up. i'm not saying isolation is the solution (it isn't) and like, so much of a relationship is contextual. and like .... someone can be accused of "holding power" in a relationship while not actually holding material power that actually matters in terms of the situation -- i'm thinking about couples where one of them is paid better, for example, sure, but the one who is paid less is enacting psychological torture on the other one and then pulling the "well you hold the power here because you make more income than me" line out to prevent the victim from identifying that they've been victimized at all. like i can't dispense to the world a guide to how to conduct every single relationship or every single situation because i don't know every single thing that has ever happened and depending on exact circumstance i'm wont to say different things (as most people are; context is everything). but i think that like. generally speaking when you do a bigotry or a cruel thing to another person, it's not weird for you to feel guilty or bad about this, but it is like...you can't turn this into a "i need you to tell me that i'm actually a good person" towards the individual(s) you hurt. like you need to process your feelings before you can make a meaningful apology i think. and depending on the circumstance maybe you will be processing some of what happens together (like, in family or couples' therapy) but some of the processing you definitely need to do by your dang self. so as to get out of your own head about things (and get your head out of your own ass if need be) so you can properly assess the situation and look at your actions and work on yourself without attempting to be like "actually have you considered my backstory" or kneejerk reacting towards the person(s) you did a shitty or cruel or bigoted thing towards. like not just sitting alone in the corner but i think like proper introspection where you can get guidance from a trusted individual, like friends who tell shit to you straight, and/or a therapist who isn't a chud (honestly therapy is great for processing if you have a therapist who isn't a chud), that sort of thing. is where i'm at in the thought process right now.
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