ok I endured it. now what!!!!!!!!!

he gaggy on my rogers until I whoopsy-doo

engaging in a high risk behavior (lying back down after my alarm already went off)

honestly what the hell are you supposed to do. is my question

when my brother and i were kids we got in trouble for using the term "dadding" to mean making a promise you have no intent to follow thru on which is a testament to this country's disdain for creative types

No one ever: I hate Ellen DeGeneres.

Checking in eleven years later folks and it does seem like I was hugely wrong on this one. a BIG my bad to everybody involved

Unfortunately my body doesn’t know the difference between someone not responding to me because they’re busy, and being shot in the chest 27 times in a row

it's so sicka nd twisted how niccolo machiavelli wrote a book that tried to realistically recount the brutality of 15th century power struggles and his name is now a synonym for Suepr Evil Fucked Up Guy but thomas hobbes wrote a 688-page supervillain manifesto and he gets to have his name associated with an adorable whimsical stuffed tiger forever

“HOW WAS YOUR DAY RAT BASTARD?” 

being lonely as an adult is sooooo embarrassing like what do you mean the only one who can fix it is meeee