It’s ‘feeling ennui about my career again’ Thursday.
Every once in a while I’ll tell someone my salary (if they ask) and the reaction I get is a visible wince quickly followed by some version of “but you love what you do, right?” As if they want to avoid feeling too much pity re: how little I make; as if ‘loving what you do’ makes up for worrying about money all the time.
And the thing is, I don’t love what I do, so I can’t even give them that. I like what I do. I sometimes find it very gratifying. I can’t imagine working in an industry where I didn’t have some kind of belief in the overall mission. But whatever I feel about it, it’s tainted by the lack of recognition via pay, promotion, or just professional respect. I once told someone I moved for work, and when they found out what I did they said to me with a straight face “I didn’t realize that was the kind of job you moved for.” My landlord has asked me twice what it is I actually do, and when I explained it to her (twice) I felt like I couldn’t make it sound like much. “I help students with research” makes me seem like a glorified tutor rather than someone with a master’s degree and almost 15 years of professional experience. And it’s not all I do, certainly, but I can’t find a way to express what I do that makes it sound like yes, this actually requires skills and experience. And it does require skills and experience, especially to do it well.
But the other part of this, that might have something to do with my inability to explain it to others, is that I find a large portion of what I do day-to-day to be annoying rather than challenging. Or even when it is challenging, I usually put a lot of work in and make very little impact or impression. Even if there are lots of things I like about what I do, I frequently feel like I’m not living up to my potential. Like I could have been or could be doing something more.
I know there are plenty of recent grads who would be very impressed by my job title, and who would assume I have a second graduate degree (I don’t), especially considering how over-saturated the job market is for librarianship. But I’ve been doing this for a long time, and a job that sounds prestigious means less to me than it once did.
I’ve talked to a therapist about this. I’ve taken the strong interest inventory test (which told me I should be a librarian). I have hobbies and family and friends. This might just be the ennui that people generally feel when they’re mid-career, but honestly, this is something I’ve felt to some degree in every stage of my career. I’m grateful I found a profession that I overall like, but the drawbacks never don’t get to me. I feel bored, and ineffectual, and like I could be doing something that fits me better. Something I could get more out of.
titsay
gummygunk
jbbartram-illu
snowghoul
discoholicmusic
germansingergirl
annaxmalina
pixelskylines
areudirty
