Stolas⛤

Hi, my dearest friends! I’m Stolas, and I decided to blog about my existence as an attempt to keep tracks of my daily life and helping myself with my identity. Here’s a bit of informations about me.

adult wolfdog boy

c-ptsd with dissociation

aroace

I am still learning to accept myself so please, be nice even if you don’t understand… I just try to understand how I function to finally live.

– Post about our c-ptsd system

I am in a system. Whatever the origin is, whatever disorder is behind that ; I am not the only one here.

Maybe it’s my C-PTSD causing this or maybe not. But, my identity is indeed fragmented.

It’s like I’m a broken piece of glass among others.

Always conscious? Yes, mostly. Amnesia? Not much. But my sense of self is so unstable and my personality can be rather opposite of my daily me sometimes. Change in taste, in behaviour, in mannerism. Some memories are only accessible or clearer when a part is influencing me.

But that’s okay. Even if our experience doesn’t really fit what we see on social media, it’s still valid.

To help me explain myself better, I’m doing this post to summarise my experience with my dissociative parts so I could talk to my psychiatrist about it.

It always me in front: I’m always conscious but I experience some intrusions when it comes to triggering things. I feel like I do not control anything but I know I look normal on the outside. Those moments happen and go on their own, leaving me tired and confused. I don’t have a lot of memory gaps, but I do have some when those intrusions happen. Intrusions are uncomfortable, I tend to feel like my memories are blurry.

The parts that intrude influence me on the daily: they make me buy things I won’t wear on my own, they make me say things even if I don’t want to, they send me intrusive thoughts too. They also have names but I don’t know if they are enough autonomous to be called identity.

• Rex it/its

This is a protective part. It stops my emotions when they get too overwhelming. It’s form is a huge black wolf with red eyes and it doesn’t talk when it intrudes. Rex likes when we watch true crimes videos or documentary. A dog person but prefer calm dogs. He was there before I watched Balto but it seems to be inspired by him and it is an attachment figure for me, like a big brother!

Example: One day, when I was a panic attack because of my father, I dissociated and Rex came at first: suddenly I stopped crying, I felt no more anger and anxiety. I felt far away, and calm. It happens several times but I often have blurred memories after that. When I was walking my dog, a drunk guy told us something rude and Rex immediately took control to make us calm while I was anxious.

• Angel he/him

Angel is also a protective part but more a fighter than Rex. He is an Angel Dust fictionkin. He isn’t scared of being rude, he is very confident and defend us. Rex and him often argue to who comes to help actually. He’s very sarcastic and honest. Drawing is one of his hobby and he likes wearing fashionable clothes. He seems to hold the SA memories and is feminist just like me. He likes cats, not very fond of dogs but adores animals people usually hate (rats, pigs, pigeons…)

Example: Several examples since Angel is kinda a troublemaker. After Rex, Angel was here that day and he exploded the moment our dad told us something rude. He sent him all the things he did that weren’t right, he yelled at his wife while I was crying and having anxiety attack again. Another day, my grandma said something about SAs (I don’t remember well, Angel was already with me) and he suddenly made us say something I thought but didn’t wanna say so I don’t hurt anyone. Those kind of moments happen often!

• Coyote they/it

Coyote is a child. They are a little coyote therian that seems to only trust Rex for now. They are like the child me: timid, needs to hide, but kind and gentle. They likes every animals and wants to spend days with them. They seem to hold our childhood memories and they love plushies of all kinds. They are obsessed with Stitch and Toothless.

Example: It happened every time someone yelled at us but I dissociate and feel suddenly so small. I can’t talk but when I do it’s very childish and I lose my vocabulary. I often go to bed and watch something cute and funny. I can’t look in the eyes, and play with plushies. When we have our appointment to see if we were autistic, Coyote was here with me and influenced my way of acting, talking but I didn’t notice until recently.

• Stolas they/he

pls keep being urself !!

I talk about dissociative parts because this is how I experience it.

Most of the time, I am conscious about what I am doing. But, I’d say that 50% of a week I’m really me ; the rest of the time, I feel like I’m not exactly “me” : whether I’m “blurred” with someone else or I dissociate through the day. And sometimes, when I’m having trauma reminiscing, or too much anxiety, I feel like those parts intruded into me. Like, they can for a small amount of time take the control of the body and consciousness, while I’m still here but I can’t do anything. My vison becomes small and blurry, often along with a head pressure. Those moments end on their own once we are safe again, often my body feels drained afterwards.

Those parts seem to have their own tastes, behaviours and triggers (that I won’t elaborate that one to protect ourselves).

The first I noticed is a protective part. When he’s here, I feel very “wolf” and I’m overly into true crime shows or animals documentaries. I barely talk, I observe more than I involve into social events. People annoy him easily and he likes being alone.

The second and the most present beside me is a part very, very opposite to me. He’s harsh when he talks, isn’t scared to speak up for us or to involve into debate but he’s very stubborn and hates injustice. He likes to draw but we don’t have the same drawing style. He is irritated easily, and likes cats and pigs. When he is here, I do not feel any anxiety and no shame : he’s confident on the outside. Plus, he’s an Angel Dust and Blitzø kin!

The third one is a little child. He’s a little boy, very connected to coyotes. He feels like he’s more connected to animals than to humans and he trusts more females than males. He likes plushies and to play with animals.

This is basically what I noticed about those parts. Are they enough independent to be called “dissociative identities”? Since it has a repercussion effect on my daily life (social anxiety, exhaustion, anticipating anxiety…) , I know it’s a disorder. But which one can it be? I don’t fit all DID criterias so I don’t think it’s this one.

I am already diagnosed with c-ptsd and dissociation is part of it, but I don’t know if it’s a “normal dissociation” that I experience in that case. I mean, is it a normal dissociation in a c-ptsd configuration to experience:

Moments of autopilot with not much memories afterwards?

Switch in personality (colder, quieter or more social)?

Switch in taste (no liking what I usually like, liking things I dislike…)?

Sudden thoughts that don’t feel like mine?

Having several different opinions about one thing?

A lot of identity crises?

Same pattern (personality + taste) for same triggers (exemple : A is always present when something triggers my fear of abandonment but don’t come when it’s another trigger, same for B…)?

Losing track of time (forgetting how I came from A to B for example)?