Outspokenblogs

I can bear it no longer. It has settled in my heart, rigid and heavy. It chokes me when I breathe, clutches my chest like an avenger would his lover's killer. It bring me fears and tears and sleepless nights staring into the dark abyss.

And worst of all, it brings out in me, my ugliest self. The dark, heavy, grim jealousy that I keep hidden deep behind locked doors. Every waking moment, I am gripped with anxiety, self hate, rage and jealousy. And funnily enough, most moments of mine are waking.

I hate myself who caused me this pain, I hate myself for what I have become from this pain and I hate myself for not having been strong enough to deal with this pain with dignity.

I am drowning and I cannot save myself. I am filled with self doubt, I am ruining myself and any slim future prospects I may have. I am ashamed, and sometimes I just want to give up on life itself for this is not what I was promised growing up.

I wish I was someone else, I wish I was better, I wish I had succeed, I wish, I wish, I wish.

I wish this pain would stop consuming me like a tidal wave.

I sit here, drowning in self hate and pity. I know I should put it aside, I know I should work towards my future, its not as if I can change the past but the future is still in my control but I just CANNOT seem to be able to do that.

I am not a protégé. I am not one of those kids who study things once and understand them immediately and perform outstandingly in exam with close to no efforts. I am not academically smart.

Hi! I’m your regular, average-scoring, non-talented individual. Let me tell you my story.

I have a dream, like any and all dreams an average teenager tends to have. I daydream about this particular future fantasy a lot. The thoughts of my future, successful self tend to creep up in my subconscious quite often. In my fanciful imaginings, I usually tend to skip over the part where I must study hard and work tirelessly towards my goal. And when I do think about them, I imagine myself acing all the hardships of student life.

L. O. L.

The reality is so different that its almost ironic. Like I said, I am average. I am not talented in anything extracurricular either. I am the younger self of those mediocre people you see in public transports. (side note: i do like public transports over personal ones!)

And yes, it is for the lack of trying. I don’t have natural talents or retaining skills but if I worked really really hard like the inspiring kids in the news and the movies, I’m sure I’d be able to accomplish things (I don’t know for sure because I haven’t ever done that).

I could blame my sloth and procrastination on various factors like the lack of immediate perfection on starting new projects, fear of putting myself out there, parental expectations, anxiety and whatnot. But, I won’t. I will look for a solution to my problem.

And the solution is simple, right? Do it.

Yeah, I should. Because right now, I am at the place where I really need to buck up unless I wanna end up with a sad, struggle-filled life. I need to get to my dream that I keep replaying in my head. And for that, I need to stop thinking about my future.

I realised this today, which is why I sat down to write this. Stop thinking about your future. As Alaska young once said, “you just use the future to escape the present”.

If you read the title and are looking for some guidance, you came to the wrong place.

Go back.

Click on the little back arrow and continue scrolling.

Why are you still here?

Still reading…? Very well then. I’ll tell you a story.

Consider a person. This person has been with you throughout your character development till date. Lets name this person. I call them Avni. Their pronouns are she/her.

One day, Avni said to me, “I could never do something in life that doesn’t interest me. Yes, money is a very important factor in making life choices but to me, waking up and doing what I want to do will always be the first priority.”

And it got me thinking… Am I talented enough to be able to make such a statement? More importantly, Am I bold enough?

The answer is no. I may be talented and I can go about polishing myself till I’m the shiniest goddamned penny out there but no, I am not bold enough.

So, back to the topic. Avni and I were having a heart-to-heart and I couldn’t bring myself to talk about the grand epiphany that i had just had. Instead I said “I’m doing ____. Wish me luck.”

Now, the thing about all these Avnis out there is that they’ve seen you grow. They know you. They’ve been there for all of it and since they’re still there, I’m assuming they’re here to stay. Another thing about the Avnis is that they’re lil sh!ts and they know it.

So, Avni asked me, “why are you making this life decision?”

“Uhh… because it has a lot of money and a stable lifestyle.”

“Okay. I understand that. But, is this what you want to do?”

“…”

Did you feel that silence or are you an Avni?

I've been trying to come to terms with this decision — something I used to stubbornly deny — for so long and mid-process you have the audacity to ask me that? How dare you!

And just like that, the question was left hanging in the air while we went about our lives.

She followed her dream, I followed convention. She will wake up everyday and look forward to going to work, I will wake up and count the days till payday. She might not be able to buy xx bag, I might be giving it as a gift. She’ll love her life, I’ll adjust to mine. She will have her good days and bad, I will have my good days and bad.

In matters of all things general, I believe I'm very confident. I've often been asked how I got here and I always smile and say, "it comes easy to me". Its about time I tell you the truth.

My entire life has been one big epitome of,

"fake it till you make it".

Like everyone, I hate to lose face. I don't ever want anyone to think I'm all big words and no action. And that's why I've found myself in jeopardy quite a few times.

You see, the thing is, I love to exaggerate about myself in front of others. The look of awe, admiration, appreciation, respect and mild envy in their eyes is addictive. So, when opportunities present themselves, and they always do, people turn towards me with that expectant look in their eyes and I'm just sitting there like "f*ck".

So, I fake it. I fake my confidence, my abilities, my knowledge and do my damned best to realize and correct my mistakes before anyone else can notice.

And you know what? Its always worked out in my favor. Honestly, I've been so scared of people realizing I'm a fake that at some point, I started paying really close attention to all my actions. Before I knew it, i wasn't so fake anymore.

- John Boyne

This book broke me. It was one of the most wonderful books that one rarely comes across and they leave a life long impression.

The writing and narration was truly extraordinary. You can really see through a child's perspective. There is a curiosity of little things which we had as children but stopped caring about as we grew up. The way the author was able to successfully pen down the thought process of a child is commendable.

It is a story about two boys on different sides of a fence in the time of holocaust. It's a story of innocence and the realizations a child makes about the world and about the people around him which makes him rethink everything he knew. It addresses the complexities of the world in a naive, innocent tone which is quite sweet.

The way it is written is really easy to read and quite captivating.

I started @outspokenblogs​ four years ago when my enthusiasm for writing was raging, I wanted to be a writer and a successful blog was my way of proving to my parents that I could make it. After jumping through various blogging sites, I realized that tumblr was the best one, with the most exposure and interaction.

I was eager at first, posting either weekly or monthly, but eventually I just stopped. I always had some excuses that I presented as valid reasons to myself and kept on avoiding blogging. Looking back, a lot of things did happen but I wonder if I should have written about those things instead of using them to run away. 

After more than a year, I am finally posting so I thought that this new start should be about addressing some of those “reasons” which impacted my life and writing.

So much has happened in these four years and there are so many things that have gone unresolved that I want to change. Tumblr has always been my safe haven. I've been a part of the community for seven years and one thing is for sure: if there is one place people will listen to you and support you, its here.

Camino Island

~ John Grisham

Tangential to the usual legal thrillers of the writer, this book focuses on the lives of people involved in literature. The story revolves around a sharp minded book keeper, a struggling writer and a group of thieves.

We read about a successful heist of the most valuable possession of Princeton, the original manuscripts of famous authors, pulled off by four men. The sale of these manuscripts would be tricky as all of the world would be on a look out for them. How will they succeed in this one?

Written in the most appropriate manner, it easy to follow. The pace is neither too slow nor too fast and the description is extraordinary. Focusing on the world of literature gives it a unique touch and the heist is especially well written.

A Thousand Splendid Suns

~ Khaled Hosseini

I usually do reviews but I feel like this one already has many, all of them great so I will just try to sum up all of my feelings about this book in one sentence that goes like:

As a writer, I have always struggled with the notion of insignificance. It is my worst fear. I want focus, a drive that leads me to significance but I also want to write for myself not for fame.

I am confused.

I am confused about wanting to be remembered and wanting to live to the fullest. I am confused about whether to be at a good position in job or in life. I am confused between making-it-work or it-will-all-work-out. I am confused about whether to completely give in to the competition and win or to let go of the competition and look at the bigger picture.

Reblog this if you are confused. Add what I have missed. Add what I have forgotten. Add what I may not feel but you do. Reblog this because someone somewhere is also confused and this may not be helpful but this can act as an ointment to the wounds of confusion that torment their lives.

The Target

~David Baldacci

This book revolves around the characters Will Robbie, Jessica Reel and a North Korean agent. This is the third book featuring Robbie but it is disconnected so it doesn't really affect the reader.

As the characters don't have heavy back story, it is good for light reading. A transition book that one might read after something impactful. The narrative is quite unique and the author used easy language. The events of this book always manage to leave you on the edge of your seat and the end will really bring ache to your heart in a good way.

Deception point

~Dan Brown

Dan Brown is one of my favourite writers and his writing never fails to fascinate me. One of the most riveting things about his work is that the story takes place in 24 hour duration which is unique and it always has a mind-blowing twist at the end.

This book of his is just as good as the others, revolving around the lives of an intelligence analyst who is the daughter of an up and coming politician, a marine biologist and a renowned astrophysicist. It talks about their lives and how they crossed path leading to an almost unbelievable and highly dangerous experience.

The white tiger

~Arvind Adiga

This book is a man booker winner and lives up to it. It offers a story of sweltering suspense, questionable morality and impressive shrewdness told by a narrator so crooked, volatile and all the while captivating.

It addresses the 'light' and 'dark' of the world, that is, the world of the rich and poor, high caste and low caste, fair and dark.

Unlike other books that I have read, this one is truthful and visualises life as it really is without any sugar coating.

The kite runner

~Khaled Hosseini

I can never find the right words to describe how absolutely amazing this book is.

It talks about the life of two afghani boys coming from very different families bond with the innocence of childhood. As they grow, we see how the emotional need for validation corrupts their thought process and drifts them apart. We read about the differences in their lifestyle, how differently life treats them and the role war plays in their lives.

The diction of this book is as beautiful as can be. The way in which the author describes things really puts a picture in your head, one that is hard to get out.

It's a book which can be called an emotional roller-coaster and it really helps develop one's character. This is a book that changes perspectives.

Shade

~Neil Jordan

The author is a writer and an Oscar winning film maker and his fineness was reflected in this book. Its a story in 1900-1950s, in Ireland reflecting a girl. The dark, mystical childhood at the house overlooking a river, to the lucrative and glamour filled career as an adult to the journey back to the childhood home where she meets her end in a very poetic way.

The Shining

~Stephen King

One of the first books I read, about five years ago. It was truly scary and it sparked in me the interest for an amazing genre: horror, which had remained unexplored by me at that time.

When I began reading it, I was pretty casual about it as my past experience with books of this genre had been 'goosebumps' which, let's face it, had not been a good experience.

As the story continued, I found myself spellbound. The book was something I could not put down. When you watch a horror movie, you see things and there is an element of surprise in the experience but when you read a good horror story, you can feel every little thing and there is a constant chill running down your spine.