So we walk into the Stark Expo, and everyone is there. A real Who’s Not of New York Celebrities. J. Jonah Jameson is there. JJJ was the Daily Bugle editor who would do fun things like scream about how superheroes were ruining the world. He’d say like “Ant-Man is a menace! What is stopping him from going full Godzilla on the Empire State Building!” and we’d be like “man that’s the wrong movie monster, J.” He was there. Everybody.
And in the sky above the main stage, we see a glimmer of red and gold. And it was him… Tony Stark. The Iron Man. But he’s up on stage with Justin Hammer and all these prototype drones, so we can’t get close.
Then, the drones start going nuts and shooting at Mr. Stark. And we run, but somehow I get separated from Aunt May. All of a sudden, I’m alone and facing down this drone by myself. Just me and my plastic Iron Man mask. And then the real Iron Man lands behind me and blasts it! He flew off, and I find Aunt May, and I’m telling her what happened as the Expo explodes behind us. And as everything calms down, he lands nearby. Tony Stark. He’s immediately mobbed by reporters, though. So, what are you gonna do?
Well, if you’re my aunt, you ball up the back of my hoodie, and you push me forward like a human shield. And then you start jogging while yelling “this eight year old has to meet America’s greatest hero!” Kind of implying that I might be dying. My feet were not on the ground. She was swinging me like a snowplow, I was just mowing down loud New York reporters left and right. I think I kicked J. Jonah Jameson in the face.
We get through the crowd and land at Tony Stark’s feet. Mr. Stark turns, looks at my aunt, and says “hi, May” because Tony Stark never forgets a bitch, ever. My aunt melts. She goes “hi, Tony.” Then it becomes apparent that she has no plan. So she pushes me towards him and says “this is my nephew, Peter. He’s also going to be a hero one day.” And i was like “what the hell are you talking about? I’m not gonna be a hero” because I had no superpowers and no crazy advanced suit of armor. Yet.
Based on my eight year old memory, Mr. Stark is about 13 feet tall. And he leaned down because, well, besides the Iron Man mask, i was also wearing this button I had bought outside. It was a cartoon button, and it had Justin Hammer on it, and it had a pigeon in Iron Man colors flying over him, and it was shitting on his head. And it said “bird-brained,” and I thought that was very funny. And Mr. Stark leaned down so only I could hear and whispered “hey kid, i like your button” and I said “you can do whatever you want forever” and he took my advice and invented time travel and then fucking died in front of me.
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