This is my ultimate album for Blossom vibes. It has everything. Just pop it on and let your mind wander. I almost don't want to explain it because it would take me three hours to go through every single song with my hot takes.
But if you do listen, I highly recommend listening to the whole album in order. It's meant to be listened to that way.
I'm just gonna grab some choice lyrics. Some songs are just Cheryl. Some are Cheryl/Jason. Some are The Blossoms. Some are CHONI.
We Know Where You Sleep
Close your eyes when we kiss…
‘Cause I am prepared to set myself on fire for this
2. The Kids Will Grow Up to Be Assholes
You don't want your messes cleaned
You don't want your bodies fixed
You don't want your problems solved, stories all resolved
You'll have nothing to lean on
You don't want your stitches sewn
'Cause then you'll have the big unknown
We'll be watching you so watch your mouth…
You better watch your mouth
3. Wait Until I Get My Hands on You
So go ahead, hold your breath
Be my guest, see if I care
‘Cause it's your life, it's your face in the place of the mirror
And here's to you, merci beaucoup
But wait 'til I get my hands on you
That's all you will get – a bear hug from your armless brother
So save your teeth for the toothy grins to your mother
4. You Will Never Take Me Alive
Did you know that you nurse a beehive?
Come and get it! Come take me alive
All our noses are aiming at grisly frontiers
We will show this cruel world…
We will show this cruel world we were here
5. Delivered in a Firm Unyielding Way Lingering for Just a Bit Too Long to Communicate the Message “I Own You”
She usually comes to see me at night, and she— she lives up in the attic, and sometimes when my friends come around, she— she hides from them.
Um, a lot of, uh, household items go missing. We've had guests that— that have encountered her.
She likes this place. She likes the attic especially, that's why she lives up there.
6. The Most Important Part of Your Body
‘Cause when you know too much
Aren't you able-bodied, dear
I think you know too much
The mind knows what the mouth wants
7. You're One of Them Aren't You?
Go ahead, good friend, scream all you want to
You're legless and limping and lost and it's just like they like you
And I can feel your tender bodies coming near
I see 'em hanging from the crystal chandelier
I'm hope for the hopeless
I'm help for the helplessly hopeful
Life is long when you're lonely
The ugly, the unclean, the unfit will fuck the unhappy
8. The Song Will Eat Itself
Singing strong knees, clean kidneys
Singing for sharp minds
Let's organize before they rise
Singing strong knees, clean kidneys
Singing so they hear
Let's let this world know we were here
9. ...And All the Candy You Can Eat
And that's the fever talking, honey
"I've come to fatten you up"
'Cause I'm an open book, my honey
Except for when the book is shut
10. All Manner of Pox and Canker
The baby hair you saved
Will circle around their drains
They got a big sick surprise for you…
Yeah, it's, it's in the oven, it's in the oven
11. At the Other End of the Leash
I come home right on time
Calmly loosen my necktie
We stare at the wall watch
We're moving the furniture around
I come home first in line
Wanna loosen my necktie
But it's your world we live in
We're moving the furniture around
12. The House is Alive and The House is Hungry
I want a man who splays down in the street
The swinging bodies and the children in the wet concrete
The house with the laughing windows
Spilling blood like a cheap innuendo
I love you, do you love me?
Let's set our hair on fire
Let's twist our bodies down over coals
Let's give them something they can't ignore
I love you, do you love me?
Let's set our house on fire
Let's cast a mirror right back at fear
Let's show this world we were here
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i had totally forgotten and it DOES rule that jason triggered riverdale's wrath by trying to leave town permanently. he didn't know youre not allowed to do that :)
having so much fun reading jason's death differently every time it's brought up. anyway had Also sort of forgotten that the whole point of his plan in the first place was to fake his own death.. which doesn't really work in riverdale because the fake is as real as anything else. archetypal comic book characters coexist with regular people; characters shop at stores that reference their own non-existence. tannis root exists in riverdale but derives its properties not through reference to our world but rather to the fictional world of rosemary's baby..
anyway all this to say that the pervasive sense of unreality in riverdale derives from the fact that the fake/real distinction fails to cohere in a world that is populated with unreal artifacts which operate in a manner indistinguishable from those things we know to be real; ultimately all you really have to do to make something real in riverdale is to speak about it as if it is real, at which point it is at least as real as anything else we see on-screen. glamazon prime was nonexistent up until the point that veronica said she had shopped there, at which point its packages appeared on her doorstep. jason was alive until he asked cheryl to say he had died, at which point her words made it so. to fake your death in riverdale is not meaningfully distinct from dying for real; or at least, not distinct enough for jason to be able to survive it.
another perfect example of COURSE is midge dying via production of carrie; as the actor playing carrie she was meant to stage her own death at the end of the musical but again because riverdale does not distinguish meaningfully between the real and the fake, her fake death becomes real 👍
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you’ve probably seen the jokes about how archie andrews from riverdale went to war, but the producers refuse to say what war it was
but i’m here to tell you that the reliality is stranger than you could possibly imagine unless you watch the show
this is archie’s dress uniform
(the tepia overlay is present every time he wears it, i have not altered the shot at all)
this is archie and his buddy in the trenches, in their combat uniforms
yes I said trenches. that screenshot is from a flashback archie has to a member of his platoon loosing a leg to enemy shells in no-man’s land. (he specifically calls it no-man’s land)
Okay, so it’s WWI. That’s deeply weird, given Riverdale takes place in more or less the present day (there’s a weird amount of old-timey tech, but everyone also has iphones and laptops, so we can assume the old tech is people being retro), but it’s at least an answer
but it gets weirder.
because we know what country archie was fighting in. his deployment was in uzbekistan.
now despite it being called a world war, not every country was involved in the first world war. uzbekistan did not fight on either side.
because the country didn’t formally exist until 1991
so in whatever parrallel universe riverdale takes place in, new york and the town of riverdale exist essentially in the present day, the soviet union has fallen, but former soviet union countries are still fighting a war which should have ended more than 100 years ago.
so that’s bonkers, but i’m not done
in the episode in which archie decides to join the army, the school digs up a time-capsule from the 1940s and opens it. inside is a picture of four riverdale high students who were shipping out to the army the day after the time capsule was burried
the ghosts of these four WWII soldiers then appear to archie, convincing him that he should join up and fight
so to be clear, archie fought in the first world war, in a country which did not exist during the first world war, because he was told to by the ghosts of soldiers from the second world war, a war which could not have happened yet because the first world war is apparently still ongoing
and also it’s the present day and archie owns an iphone
Look say what you will about riverdale. I’m lying you can’t say anything about riverdale. But the women on there were like…… so insane it made me want to jump up and down. Women are NEVER allowed to be as feral with no consequences in media as they were in riverdale. Betty didn’t have a maternal bone in her body and it was just like a normal trait of hers??? Cheryl was downright cruel a lot of the time and she was ALLOWED TO BE. She got nicer but only to the main cast bc they befriended her. Veronica loved illegal business practices and she murdered her dad and she was never even in DANGER of going to prison. I love this show. Let women be people like they are on riverdale…
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