A Shrine To Man’s Vanity

shane would "he asked for no pickles. ☝️" and ilya would love it. not because he can't stand up for himself or any of that (he most certainly can; hes the worlds most brash and obnoxiously confident man <3) but because no one's ever stood up for him before. obvi its small scale and over a mistake, but ilya eats it up every time. and shane loves it bc he loves to take care of his baby even if they both know ilya is more than capable of doing this himself

It would be really funny if Ilya's bachelor party takes on mythic status because of his reputation, with tonnes of rumours and people saying there's nothing on social media because people had to sign NDAs, only for it to never have happened. Too many people joked about throwing him the wildest party ever and he spent the time in between the season ending and the wedding ducking and weaving plans because he was NOT jeopardising this! He is not waking up just before marrying Shane in another country, in jail, or drunkenly married to someone else! He just wants to marry the love of his life so bad he's not even waiting to order chairs, STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!

I GOT A FUCKING RAISE THE POTATO WORKED WTF

This potato works. Every. Fucking. Time.

Then bring me luck

the day after I posted this last time I was notified that I was selected for a really cool mentorship gig and got an unrelated glowing review at work

listen i am in the trenches rn i am not risking fucking up even more bc i skipped a tumblr chain post.

My absolute gospel truth and I'm sorry this is so sappy but--where I'm living, Ilya fully changes his name to Hollander when they get married, like just fully legally changes it. And despite the fact that he continues to use Rozanov professionally ("Just like J. Lo," Ilya says.) everyone who knows them personally obviously knows what Ilya's legal name is and also assume it's a way to kind of stick it to his shitheel father. To this end, and kind of as a joke at first, people start referring to their two-person unit as The Hollanders ("Okay, the Hollanders are in room 508" etc.) but it becomes steadily less and less a joke when neither Shane or Ilya really seems to think of it as one. Ilya especially seems to genuinely love it. He'll say shit like "Oh yes the Hollanders will be there" when asked if they're coming to a barbecue like they live in a postcard. He LOVES to give his name as Ilya Hollander and he LOVES to book reservations under 'Misters Hollander' and he LOVES to say the words 'Shane and Ilya Hollander' out loud with his mouth. I also think that for their last game together in the league Ilya and Shane wear jerseys that say S. Hollander 24 and I. Hollander 81 and it's like. An end of an era type thing. And they frame the jerseys.

yeah yeah yeah fuck-drunk shane but have we considered fuck-drunk ilya maybe shane rode him into next sunday or maybe ilya was just so lost in the sauce he got a little stupid about it so afterwards he just lies on the bed with little cartoon hearts floating around his head and giggling to himself because Wow he just loves shane so much and he feels so good and floaty but they have things to do today and ilya is in charge of the shopping cart but he keeps driving into things and if shane didn’t have good reflexes there would have been a flood in the wine section and he keeps pawing at shane and leaning into him and he hasn’t heard a word of what he’s said the last half an hour because his face is just too pretty and he’s having a hard time multitasking at the moment

Contrary to popular belief Ilya and Shane are an absolute pair of gossip hens. Nothing is more fun to them than wrapping up the FaceTime filth and then one of them saying “okay so can I be a bitch for a minute”